Best 571 of Jokes quotes - MyQuotes
Even the world’s greatest actor cannot fake an erection.
One can always come up with funny lists and jokes. You know what? I take it back. Not everyone can always come up with funny lists and some jokes. I'm very lucky to have a gift where I can do that pretty ably.
Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.
I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.
Second star to the right-" "-and straight on till morning? Yeah, I've heard that one before. Lit of the Ancient Homeworlds 101....
Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.
Working at the magic shop really gave me a sense of comedy because it was all jokes.
Some men are so indoctrinated that they sincerely believe that other than cooking and cleaning the only thing that a woman can do better than them is being a woman.
You know you’ve reached the end of a relationship: when your lover now demands that your jokes be funny before they laugh.
Sometimes my colleagues joke and call me Hannah.
The next best thing to a very good joke is a very bad one.
When I make a joke, nobody gets injured... when Congress makes a joke, it's the law.
You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument.
We feel that what's too far is when you make a joke and somebody gets hurt.
I like when people are trapped in the joke, when there's no escape. I like to lead people down the wrong path and then trap them.
I be dog if hit don't look like sometimes that when a fellow sets out to play a joke, hit ain't another fellow he's playing that joke on; hit's a kind of big power laying still somewhere in the dark that he sets out to prank with without knowing hit, and hit all depends on whether that ere power is in the notion to take a joke or not.
Jokes are unanswerable objections.
I am a rune a carrot a little joke
They are "sexcellent". That is a pun for you, you will find lots of puns on the internet! Also: blonde jokes.
Ana Claudia Antunes
What did the soup say to the tea plate? "You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into!" I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours.
Whether it is big or small, the size of a poor man’s yard incessantly reminds him that he is poor.
Have you considered the option of getting the joke? If not, try it now and redeem your soul.
I’d say the winner of this debate is the God of Death, who’s now several minutes closer to claiming all of us.
Casy said, "Ol' Tom's house can't be more'n a mile from here. Ain't she over that third rise?" Sure," said Joad. "Less somebody stole it, like Pa stole it." Your pa stole it?" Sure, got it a mile an' a half east of here an' drug it. Was a family livin' there, an' they moved away. Grampa an' Pa an' my brother Noah like to took the whole house, but she wouldn't come. They only got part of her. That's why she looks so funny on one end. They cut her in two an' drug her over with twelve head of horses and two mules. They was goin' back for the other half an' stick her together again, but before they got there Wink Manley come with his boys and stole the other half. Pa an' Grampa was pretty sore, but a little later them an' Wink got drunk together an' laughed their heads off about it. Wink, he says his house is a stud, an' if we'll bring our'n over an' breed 'em we'll maybe get a litter of crap houses. Wink was a great ol' fella when he was drunk. After that him an' Pa an' Grampa was friends. Got drunk together ever' chance they got.
I think things evolve into jokes. I don't generally write them down as jokes. I talk them out.
Hillary Clinton wouldn't have make a joke about wiping the server clean with a towel or now we find out about bashing old Blackberries to get rid of them or the fact that she had 13 Blackberries.
Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all axioms intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in those emotionally sound, it then chooses to get offended.
Beijing residents joke that to get a free smoke all they have to do is open their windows!
Slavery is nothing to joke about! And the history of this nation's [the USA's] involvement with slavery is nothing to pass off in a joke.
My friends joke because I will take my clothes off, at the drop of a hat.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
Time for black jokes, what's the time?? Can you handle it!
The older you get, the funnier fart jokes are.
a short cut to matrimonial unhappiness is not to have the same taste in jokes!
When somebody mangles one of my jokes, that bothers me more than somebody saying that I'm the worst comedian ever.
Usually my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.
I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
Ana Claudia Antunes
Per se, a prank is meant to thank. Rethink and thank the soft spank. And fill in the blank, Not even over drank, Knelt when they made you walk the plank.
Oliver Oliver Reed
Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Robert Louis Stevenson
You can read Kant by yourself, if you wanted to; but you must share a joke with someone else.
Everybody doesn't have to get every joke. People really appreciate not being condescended to.
Nicolas Cage is the best for taking the role of character Joker. He is pretty damn good at jokes!
In this story I am the poet You're the poetry.
It’s a basic rule of humor that a joke is always at somebody’s expense. Really good jokes, however, tend to be at everyone’s expense.
I always joke and say I want to invent a comfortable stiletto and then retire.
I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!” -Totie Fields-
I'm not really very funny, I just keep recycling jokes.
Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!
Breyona didn’t have to force a laugh. “Fellowship? Who do you think you are? Freedo the hobbit?” “It’s Frodo,” he said over his shoulder. “And if I was a character from L.O.T.R., I’d obviously by Strider.” Shaking his head, he continued down the trail, mumbling obscenities. “What is L.O.T.R.?” Shiv asked. “Who is this Freedo?” Both questions brought exasperated sighs from Bronson. “It stands for Lord of the Rings. Don’t you ever see any movies?” “Weren’t they books before they were movies?” Em asked. “They wrote them after,” Bronson said. Breyona winked at Danny. “That Freedo was hot,” she said loud enough for Bronson to hear. “Even with those dumb-ass furry feet, he’s my kind of cute.” Bronson threw his hands up. “Frodo. It’s Frodo. And he’s not hot!
Some people wouldn’t still be sane, if they were not religious or superstitious; some wouldn’t be disabled or dead.