Best 571 of Jokes quotes - MyQuotes

By Anonym 16 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Even the world’s greatest actor cannot fake an erection.

By Anonym 14 Sep

John Hodgman

One can always come up with funny lists and jokes. You know what? I take it back. Not everyone can always come up with funny lists and some jokes. I'm very lucky to have a gift where I can do that pretty ably.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jeff Ross

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bob Hope

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Linnea Sinclair

Second star to the right-" "-and straight on till morning? Yeah, I've heard that one before. Lit of the Ancient Homeworlds 101....

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jay Leno

Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Steve Martin

Working at the magic shop really gave me a sense of comedy because it was all jokes.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some men are so indoctrinated that they sincerely believe that other than cooking and cleaning the only thing that a woman can do better than them is being a woman.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

You know you’ve reached the end of a relationship: when your lover now demands that your jokes be funny before they laugh.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Hanoi Hannah

Sometimes my colleagues joke and call me Hannah.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Julius Charles Hare

The next best thing to a very good joke is a very bad one.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Will Rogers

When I make a joke, nobody gets injured... when Congress makes a joke, it's the law.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Stephen Colbert

You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Bobby Farrelly

We feel that what's too far is when you make a joke and somebody gets hurt.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Paul Mooney

I like when people are trapped in the joke, when there's no escape. I like to lead people down the wrong path and then trap them.

By Anonym 16 Sep

William Faulkner

I be dog if hit don't look like sometimes that when a fellow sets out to play a joke, hit ain't another fellow he's playing that joke on; hit's a kind of big power laying still somewhere in the dark that he sets out to prank with without knowing hit, and hit all depends on whether that ere power is in the notion to take a joke or not.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mason Cooley

Jokes are unanswerable objections.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Walter Wykes

I am a rune a carrot a little joke

By Anonym 15 Sep

Ryan North

They are "sexcellent". That is a pun for you, you will find lots of puns on the internet! Also: blonde jokes.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Ana Claudia Antunes

What did the soup say to the tea plate? "You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into!" I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Whether it is big or small, the size of a poor man’s yard incessantly reminds him that he is poor.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Erik Naggum

Have you considered the option of getting the joke? If not, try it now and redeem your soul.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Jeff Zentner

I’d say the winner of this debate is the God of Death, who’s now several minutes closer to claiming all of us.

By Anonym 15 Sep

John Steinbeck

Casy said, "Ol' Tom's house can't be more'n a mile from here. Ain't she over that third rise?" Sure," said Joad. "Less somebody stole it, like Pa stole it." Your pa stole it?" Sure, got it a mile an' a half east of here an' drug it. Was a family livin' there, an' they moved away. Grampa an' Pa an' my brother Noah like to took the whole house, but she wouldn't come. They only got part of her. That's why she looks so funny on one end. They cut her in two an' drug her over with twelve head of horses and two mules. They was goin' back for the other half an' stick her together again, but before they got there Wink Manley come with his boys and stole the other half. Pa an' Grampa was pretty sore, but a little later them an' Wink got drunk together an' laughed their heads off about it. Wink, he says his house is a stud, an' if we'll bring our'n over an' breed 'em we'll maybe get a litter of crap houses. Wink was a great ol' fella when he was drunk. After that him an' Pa an' Grampa was friends. Got drunk together ever' chance they got.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Marc Maron

I think things evolve into jokes. I don't generally write them down as jokes. I talk them out.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eric Bolling

Hillary Clinton wouldn't have make a joke about wiping the server clean with a towel or now we find out about bashing old Blackberries to get rid of them or the fact that she had 13 Blackberries.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Criss Jami

Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all axioms intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in those emotionally sound, it then chooses to get offended.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Lee Hsien Loong

Beijing residents joke that to get a free smoke all they have to do is open their windows!

By Anonym 14 Sep

Douglas Wilder

Slavery is nothing to joke about! And the history of this nation's [the USA's] involvement with slavery is nothing to pass off in a joke.

By Anonym 14 Sep

James Cromwell

My friends joke because I will take my clothes off, at the drop of a hat.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Daniel Tosh

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

By Anonym 19 Sep

Deyth Banger

Time for black jokes, what's the time?? Can you handle it!

By Anonym 15 Sep

Andy Samberg

The older you get, the funnier fart jokes are.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Margaret Deland

a short cut to matrimonial unhappiness is not to have the same taste in jokes!

By Anonym 15 Sep

Hannibal Buress

When somebody mangles one of my jokes, that bothers me more than somebody saying that I'm the worst comedian ever.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

Usually my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Anthony Jeselnik

I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Ana Claudia Antunes

Per se, a prank is meant to thank. Rethink and thank the soft spank. And fill in the blank, Not even over drank, Knelt when they made you walk the plank.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Robert Louis Stevenson

You can read Kant by yourself, if you wanted to; but you must share a joke with someone else.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Matt Groening

Everybody doesn't have to get every joke. People really appreciate not being condescended to.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Deyth Banger

Nicolas Cage is the best for taking the role of character Joker. He is pretty damn good at jokes!

By Anonym 16 Sep

Arzum Uzun

In this story I am the poet You're the poetry.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Richard Kalvar

It’s a basic rule of humor that a joke is always at somebody’s expense. Really good jokes, however, tend to be at everyone’s expense.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Sara Blakely

I always joke and say I want to invent a comfortable stiletto and then retire.

By Anonym 16 Sep

David Debacco

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!” -Totie Fields-

By Anonym 13 Sep

Reese Roper

I'm not really very funny, I just keep recycling jokes.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eric Edstrom

Breyona didn’t have to force a laugh. “Fellowship? Who do you think you are? Freedo the hobbit?” “It’s Frodo,” he said over his shoulder. “And if I was a character from L.O.T.R., I’d obviously by Strider.” Shaking his head, he continued down the trail, mumbling obscenities. “What is L.O.T.R.?” Shiv asked. “Who is this Freedo?” Both questions brought exasperated sighs from Bronson. “It stands for Lord of the Rings. Don’t you ever see any movies?” “Weren’t they books before they were movies?” Em asked. “They wrote them after,” Bronson said. Breyona winked at Danny. “That Freedo was hot,” she said loud enough for Bronson to hear. “Even with those dumb-ass furry feet, he’s my kind of cute.” Bronson threw his hands up. “Frodo. It’s Frodo. And he’s not hot!

By Anonym 18 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people wouldn’t still be sane, if they were not religious or superstitious; some wouldn’t be disabled or dead.