Best 253 of Louis C. K. quotes - MyQuotes

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Louis C. K.
By Anonym 13 Sep

Louis C. K.

Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you're aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Louis C. K.

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Louis C. K.

...Then I got divorced and everything changed, and I became a father in a whole new way and found a whole new set of difficulties.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Louis C. K.

When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find a way to articulate it and inspire them.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Louis C. K.

I look around, pretty much 100% of the people driving are texting. And they're killing, everybody's murdering each other with their cars. But people are willing to risk taking a life and ruining their own because they don't want to be alone for a second because it's so hard.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Louis C. K.

To me, there's a huge difference between criticism and reviewing. I really love reading good criticism of television and film. To me, a critic is someone who analyzes a show, describes it, talks about the people in it, puts it in historical context of other shows like it, compares it and stuff, and then talks about the intent of the show and whether it failed or didn't.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

My last name is Szekely. Sounds like Saykay. When I was a little kid I had an instructor in camp who called me Shnizneckely. He would make fun of my name and it hurt my feelings because I was a little pussy and I cried. He said, 'Well, how do you say it?' I said, Seekay. So he wrote 'C.K' on my jersey and everything. He made my name 'C.K' and I just stuck with it.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn't funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like him better than them, they were manipulative funny.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

Stand-up is probably the most solo performance in art.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Louis C. K.

Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.'

By Anonym 15 Sep

Louis C. K.

The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Louis C. K.

If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Louis C. K.

Comedians work great as actors because they're good under pressure. With a lot of actors, you have to make them feel like everything's going really well to get a good performance out of them. But, if you have a comedian on the set, you can tell them, 'Hey, you really are screwing this up,' and then they just get better.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

People say, 'My phone sucks.' No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I'm very suspicious. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd have the same solution to every issue.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Louis C. K.

Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Louis C. K.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Louis C. K.

Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars ... If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Louis C. K.

Everything that's difficult you should be able to laugh about.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Louis C. K.

For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing the thing. I rented it from Blockbuster and sped to that scene, and it was gone. I called up Blockbuster, and I'm like, "I got an erection, and the scene's not there.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Louis C. K.

I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

One time, I threw a candy wrapper on the street. I was with a friend who said to me, You just littered on the street! Don't you care about the environment? And I thought about it, and I said, You know what? This isn't the environment. This is New York City. New York City is not the environment. New York City is a giant piece of litter. Next to Mexico City, it's the shittiest piece of litter in the world. Just a pussy, runny, smokin', stinkin' piece of litter.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Louis C. K.

You can't direct without a good crew.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Louis C. K.

I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that were a little more offbeat.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

My show is sort of a short-film anthology, and I'm able to tell little stories that don't necessarily carry a whole episode in terms of narrative. I like the audience not being sure what they're getting. I think it's more fun to watch something when you're discovering it as you go along.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Louis C. K.

There's nothing that beats proving you're funny by making a funny thing, and right now there are huge outlets for that, with You Tube and all the other stuff online.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

By Anonym 13 Sep

Louis C. K.

I don't feel those limits when I'm on stage. For some reason, audiences let me get away with things. Remember, it's all comedy. Words. Thoughts. All thoughts are safe and worth exploring.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Louis C. K.

You have to be really tenacious. You have to keep at it. There are many roads to get there. If you can get yourself into Harvard, that's a good way to go, because every Harvard graduating class, the agencies come trolling around and they'll look for you. So if you go to Harvard, you'll get found there.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Louis C. K.

You know when you see a mother someplace just melting down on her kid? She's like, 'Shut up, I hate you, you're ugly!'... Any parents there are thinking, 'What did that shitty kid do to that poor woman? That poor woman. I wish I could help.'

By Anonym 15 Sep

Louis C. K.

There's people that say “It's not fair You have all that stuff.” I wasn't born with it. It was a horrible process to get to this. It took me my whole life. If you're new at this- and by “new at it.” I mean 15 years in, or even 20- you're just starting to grow traction. Young musicians believe they should be able to throw a band together and be famous, and anything that's in their way is unfair and evil. What are you, in your 20s, you picked up a guitar? Give it a minute.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Louis C. K.

It was a horrible process to get to this. It took me my whole life. If you’re new at this — and by 'new at it,' I mean 15 years in, or even 20 — you’re just starting to get traction.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Louis C. K.

All talking is good, negative and positive. Stabbing is bad; talking is good.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Louis C. K.

You gotta be optimistic to be single. Stupid! You have to be stupid. That's what optimistic means, you know. It means stupid. An optimist is somebody that goes, 'Hey, maybe something nice will happen!' Why the fuck would anything nice ever happen? What are you, stupid?

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

I was raised by a hard-working single mother, so my first role model was a woman. My only caretaker was a woman, and I have three sisters, so my community was girls. I have two girls, and my dog is a girl. My dead dog was a girl. I don't know. I guess I've always keyed in on that perspective.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Louis C. K.

Every year white people add 100 years to how long ago slavery was. I've heard educated white people say, 'slavery was 400 years ago.' No it very wasn't. It was 140 years ago...that's two 70-year-old ladies living and dying back to back. That's how recently you could buy a guy.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... "Sir, could you please stop?

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

I was an awkward kid.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Louis C. K.

You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'

By Anonym 15 Sep

Louis C. K.

The part that's difficult is being single, at 41, after 10 years of marriage and two kids. That's like having a bunch of money in a currency of a country that doesn't exist anymore.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

Stereotypically speaking feminists can't take a joke. ::audience boo:: See?

By Anonym 13 Sep

Louis C. K.

If I'm not on tour, I can run down to the comedy club and do a little stand-up. If you're an actor, you can't go - I guess there's forms of it.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Louis C. K.

I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school.