Best 70 of Art Buchwald quotes - MyQuotes

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Art Buchwald
By Anonym 14 Sep

Art Buchwald

No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Art Buchwald

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Art Buchwald

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Art Buchwald

Over the years I have met a lot of important people, but no one as important as Elvis Presley.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

I can now say without hesitation the Marine Corps was the best foster home I ever had.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Art Buchwald

When it came to writing about wine, I did what almost everybody does - faked it

By Anonym 14 Sep

Art Buchwald

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Art Buchwald

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Art Buchwald

Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

As my good friend Al Capp told me a few years ago, the best thing to do with a confirmed [hotel] reservation slip when you have no room is to spread it out on the sidewalk in front of the hotel and go to sleep on it. You'll either embarrass the hotel into giving you a room or you'll be hauled off to the local jug, where at least you'll have a roof over your head.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Art Buchwald

We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Art Buchwald

Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, "I am not a crook." Jimmy Carter says, "I have lusted after women in my heart." President Reagan says, "I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Art Buchwald

It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Art Buchwald

The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Art Buchwald

New York was the glamorous town that you only see now in old movies and on Broadway stages. The sky was lit up with dancing neon signs. It was safe to walk out in the streets.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Art Buchwald

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Art Buchwald

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Art Buchwald

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

And Man created the plastic bag and the tin and aluminum can and the cellophane wrapper and the paper plate, and this was good because Man could then take his automobile and buy all his food in one place and He could save that which was good to eat in the refrigerator and throw away that which had no further use. And soon the earth was covered with plastic bags and aluminum cans and paper plates and disposable bottles and there was nowhere to sit down or walk, and Man shook his head and cried: "Look at this Godawful mess.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?

By Anonym 15 Sep

Art Buchwald

When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

Ascot is so exclusive that it is the only racecourse in the world where the horses own the people.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Art Buchwald

On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Art Buchwald

The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Art Buchwald

Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Art Buchwald

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Art Buchwald

People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man does not drive, there is something wrong with him.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Art Buchwald

Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, it is the only time we've got.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Art Buchwald

I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Art Buchwald

People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.