Best 501 of Hilarious quotes - MyQuotes

By Anonym 15 Sep

Sister Souljah

Damn, is this bitch a crackhead vampire? She stays up all night. In the morning you're looking at her like, did you ever go to sleep?

By Anonym 14 Sep

Karl Kraus

No ideas and the ability to express them - that's a journalist.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Will Rogers

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

By Anonym 19 Sep

William Shakespeare

What man art thou that, thus bescreened in night, So stumblest on my counsel? *Who are you? Why do you hide in the darkness and listen to my private thoughts?*

By Anonym 16 Sep

Tara Sivec

It was all fun and games until someone else's dick was in your girlfriend's TMJ mouth

By Anonym 16 Sep

Derek Landy

I was going straight for Mantis, but then that bloody gas got in my eyes and, I don't know, some massive bloke reared up in front of me. I hit him, but I swear, it was like hiting a wall." Gracious nodded. "You hit a wall." Maybury blinked at him. "I what?" "I saw it. You ran into a cloud of gas and stumbled around for a second until you reached a wall, and then you shrieked and punched it. It was very heroic.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The only real reason that some relationships and marriages have not yet been ended is because in each case one of the partners has not yet found their ideal partner or someone they love or at least like.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Katie Cross

It’s so … normal.” “I don’t eat small children.” “Shocking.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Rita Rudner

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

By Anonym 18 Sep

Beth Garrod

The majority of boys think the highest form of creativity is weeing a pattern into snow.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Rainbow Rowell

It made her want to have his babies and give him both her kidneys.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Lisa Kleypas

Thankyou,"Catherine said, the smile still hovering on her lips. "That is kind of you my lord. But i will never dance with you." Which, ofcourse, made it the goal of leo's life.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Heidi Cullinan

How did I know? Paul, I've known since you were eight and I caught you masturbating in front of the TV to Bo and Luke Duke.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Eliot

And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it.

By Anonym 19 Sep

David Levithan

tiny doesn't just sing these words - he belts them. it's like a parade coing out of his mouth. i have no doubt the words travel over lake michigan to most of canada and on to the north pole. the farmers of saskatchewan are crying. santa is turning to mrs. claus and saying 'what the fuck is that? - will grayson

By Anonym 15 Sep

Charlotte Whitton

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

By Anonym 15 Sep

L. H. Cosway

Dearest Annie, Roses are red. Violets are blue. I’m using my hand But I’m thinking of you. - Ronan P.S. Just to clarify, I’m using my hand to write this note…get your mind out of the gutter.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The fact that you have just buried your parent or parents and/or sibling or siblings does not make you less likely to die today.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dwight Morrow

The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.

By Anonym 19 Sep

David Eddings

The priest DID have it coming, though," Lelldorin declared hotly. "What priest?" "The priest of Chaldan at that little chapel who wouldn't marry us because Arianna couldn't give him a document proving she had her family's consent. He was very insulting." "Did you break anything?" "A few of his teeth is about all-- and I stopped hitting him as soon as he agreed to perform the ceremony.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Will Rogers

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Sharon Lathan

Elizabeth smiled warmly. "For you I will allow it, Mr. Trask. How is your wife, sir? Still putting up with you, or has she finally come to her senses and run away?" Trask laughed, slapping his knee. "I see married life has not tamed that wit of yours, Miss Elizabeth! Well done! Your poor hus- band, to be saddled with such a wench!" Lizzy assumed a mournful face. "Yes, it is a tragic affair. It is merely a matter of time ere a cell at Bedlam will be his home.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Meredith Duran

Lord John: 'The court has suffered most sorely for your absence. We hardly know where to find our amusement now.' Lady Nora: 'I am sorry to hear that, I suppose it takes some wit to produce one's own entertainment. Are you often bored?

By Anonym 14 Sep

Tom Cruise

Psychiatry is a pseudoscience.... You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do...Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, you don't even -you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Christopher Moore

You know what? You know what? You know what?' I was waving my finger under her nose. 'You scratched the Son of God. That's your ass, that's what.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Brandon Sanderson

You've never heard of bagpipes?" Cody asked, sounding aghast. "They're as Scottish as kilts and red armpit hair!" "Um . . . yuck?" I said. "That's it." Cody said. "Steelheart has to fall so we can get back to educating children properly. This is an offense against the dignity of my motherland." "Great," Prof said. "I'm glad we now have proper motivation.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Marissa Meyer

Well," Cinder finally grumbled. "I guess that was pretty fast thinking." A relieved grin filled up Thorne's face. "We're having another moment, aren't we?" "If by a moment, you mean me not wanting to strangle you for the first time since we met, than I guess we are.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ellen Degeneres

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Derek Landy

I am what prevents the Accelerator from being a bomb." "Except you didn't," said Gracious. "Because you weren't around." "I got bored." "You're a machine." "Machines can become bored, too." Gracious looked suddenly concerned. "My toaster is bored?" "Perhaps, " said the Engineer. "I do not know many toasters.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Suzanne Wright

Everything ok here ?" Ryan grunted urging her with a hand on her lower back. "He thinks you should mind your own business,"Makenna told the Beta,translating the grunt. Dominic cocked his head."You understand his grunts?" She lifted her chin."I thought it was crystal clear." Dominic turned to Ryan."Marry her." Ryan grunted again before heading for the door. "What did he say?"Dominic asked her. "Fuck off,"she translated.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jim Davis

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Even the world’s greatest actor cannot fake an erection.

By Anonym 15 Sep

R. L. Mathewson

Ah, Robert?” “Shhhh, not while I’m praying,” he said, momentarily losing his place before he started again, “thank you for letting us survive that trip from hell. Thank you for ignoring my prayers for a quick death when I didn’t think that I’d be able to survive another day of starvation,” he said, making her roll her eyes in annoyance. “You were given three full meals a day just like everyone else,” she pointed out, not bothering to mention the fact that, on most days, he’d received second helpings. She sat down on a bench near their luggage, wondering just how much longer he was going to keep this up. “I’m sorry for all the cursing that my wife forced me to do while I was on that boat,” he continued, ignoring her even as he amused her. “As you know, she’s been such a bad influence on me. Thank you for pulling me from near death and somehow giving me the strength to survive.” “Near death?” she asked, frowning. “When were you near death?” “When was I near death?” he asked in stunned disbelief as he opened his eyes so that he could glare at her. “How could you forget all those times that I could barely move? When I struggled to find the will to live so that I wouldn’t leave you a young widow? Did my struggle for survival mean nothing to you?” he demanded in outrage, terrifying the people that were forced to walk past him to get to the docks and making her wrack her brain as she struggled to figure out what he was talking about. “Do you mean those few times when you had a touch of seasickness?” she asked, unable to think of anything else that he could be talking about since he’d been the picture of health during the majority of the trip. “A touch?” he repeated in disbelief. “I nearly died!

By Anonym 18 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Trenton Lee Stewart

Mr. Benedict: "After I woke up and composed myself, however, I realized the flowers must certainly be yours, Constance, to do with as you please. At any rate -- " Mr.Benedict broke off, for just then Constance jumped to her feet, snatched the bouquet from his desk, and hurled it into the wastebasket with all the force she could muster -- so hard that flower petals flew up out of the wastebasket like tiny pink butterflies. Then placing her hands against the wall to steady herself, she stomped one foot repeatedly into the wastebasket as if trying to put out a fire. "I see we are of the same opinion," said Mr. Benedict as Constance returned to her seat, and the others congratulated her on her judgment.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Derek Landy

This isn't the first time I've used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability." "Who was the test subject?" asked Aurora. "I test everything out on myself before taking it into the field." She stared at him. "You zapped your own brain?" "And it didn't do me any harm apart from the dizziness and the vomiting spells and the weirdly persistent ringing in my ears. Also the blackouts and the mood swings and the creeping paranoia. Apart from that, zero side effects, if you don't count the numb fingertips. Which I don't.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Stephanie Hale

Why are you staring at my boobs? My face is up here,” Trudy exclaims. Jack, the hotel employees, and I jump back like we’ve been electrocuted while the seniors don’t skip a beat. No. She. Didn’t. These geriatric devils are so bad.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Lana Mcgregor

Fuck, you’ve been to the sex store.” “Sure have.” Josh held up a plastic bag. “Man, that was fun. And by fun, I mean seriously fucking creepy...

By Anonym 15 Sep

Gena Showalter

What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Derek Landy

He looked at Ghastly. "Thoughts?" "I want to kill Sanguine," was the first thing Ghastly said. "And I want to do it slowly, in front of a lot of people. Using a hammer." Skulduggery nodded. "Very healthy.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We think we like or love some people until we see them regularly.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Si Robertson

Si, the speed limit sign said 35. Your Goin' 55." -Sadie Robertson "Oh, that's just a suggestion.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mark Twain

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Derek Landy

How are we going to get out of here?" "Oh, escape is easy once you have the right plan." "Do we have the right plan?" "Not yet." "Do we have any plan?" "Not yet.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Becky Albertalli

I used to think boners literally pointed in the direction of the person you're attracted to, like a compass. That would be helpful. Mortifying as fuck, but at least it would clarify things.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

When you are suffering from sexual starvation, a spank or even a hug seems like a porn scene.

By Anonym 19 Sep

K. S. Inglis

What is it that Australians celebrate on 26 January? Significantly, many of them are not quite sure what event they are commemorating. Their state of mind fascinated Egon Kisch, an inquisitive Czech who was in Sydney at the end of January 1935. Kisch has a place in our history as the victim, or hero, of a ludicrous chapter in the history of our immigration laws. He had been invited to Melbourne for a Congress against War and Fascism, and was forbidden to land by order of the attorney-general, R. G. Menzies. He had jumped overboard, broken his leg, gone to hospital, failed a dictation test in Gaelic and been sentenced to imprisonment and deportation. When the High Court declared Gaelic not a language, Kisch was free to hobble on our soil...

By Anonym 13 Sep

Douglas Adams

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.