Best 61 of Spike Milligan quotes - MyQuotes

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Spike Milligan
By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Spike Milligan

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Spike Milligan

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Spike Milligan

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

I'm a hero wid coward's legs, I'm a hero from the waist up.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

I'm Irish. We think sideways

By Anonym 15 Sep

Spike Milligan

This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it's meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in

By Anonym 15 Sep

Spike Milligan

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Spike Milligan

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Spike Milligan

I told you I was sick.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Spike Milligan

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Spike Milligan

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Spike Milligan

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

By Anonym 14 Sep

Spike Milligan

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

If you kill me, I promise you - you will never take me alive.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Spike Milligan

R.I.P. Tom Conlon O'Rourke. Not Dead, just Sleeping.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Spike Milligan

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Spike Milligan

The most difficult book I have ever read was a manual on the use of iron bangles by A.J. Thompson.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Spike Milligan

Author? Author? Did you write these legs?' 'Yes." 'Well, I don't like dem. I don't like 'em at all at all. I could ha' writted better legs meself.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Spike Milligan

The clock in the church tower said 4.32, as it had done for three hundred years. It was right once a day and that was better than no clock at all.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Spike Milligan

Only on the third class tourist class passengers' deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Spike Milligan

Waiting for the operation, there was a gentle tap on the door.In came a strapping nurse. 'Good morning', she shrilled, whipped back the bedclothes, upped with his nightshirt, grabbed his willy, lathered furiously around it till it looked like the Eddystone Lighthouse in a storm, then shaved the whole area till it looked like an oven-ready chicken. 'Excuse me, nurse', said Looney, 'why did you knock?

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Spike Milligan

(On his gravestone): "I told you I was ill".

By Anonym 15 Sep

Spike Milligan

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

By Anonym 15 Sep

Spike Milligan

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

By Anonym 14 Sep

Spike Milligan

Listen, someone's screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Spike Milligan

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

I have got so low that I have asked to be hospitalized and for deep narcosis (sleep). I cannot stand being awake. The pain is too much... Something has happened to me, this vital spark has stopped burning - I go to a dinner table now and I don't say a word, just sit there like a dodo. Normally I am the centre of attention, keeps the conversation going, - so that is depressing in itself. It's like another person taking over, very strange. The most important thing I say is 'good evening' and then I go quiet.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Spike Milligan

Render any politician down and there's enough fat to fry an egg.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Spike Milligan

Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

If a robin redbreast in a cage Puts all heaven in a rage, How feels heaven when Dies the billionth battery hen?

By Anonym 17 Sep

Spike Milligan

Money! Father Rudden had tried everything to raise funds to repair the church, he even went to the bank. 'Don't be a fool, Father!' said the manager, 'Put that gun down.' Money!

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Spike Milligan

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Spike Milligan

A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush

By Anonym 14 Sep

Spike Milligan

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?