Best 3 522 of Humour quotes - MyQuotes

By Anonym 16 Sep

Christina Lauren

Finally, my cluelessness comes in handy.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Brandon Sanderson

Hello?" M-Bot said. "Spensa? Are you dead?" "Maybe." "Oooh. Like the cat!

By Anonym 20 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

With regard to things such as independence, mental capabilities, and sexuality, a very old man is nothing but a gigantic infant with white hair and wrinkles.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Shatrujeet Nath

An intelligent man will use a book to settle an argument. Preferably a hardback with a thick spine, flat across the bridge of the nose.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Eckart Von Hirschhausen

Wie steht eine Frau vor dem Spiegel? Immer in Bewegung. Sie lässt nicht locker, bis sie etwas entdeckt, was nicht perfekt ist. Liebe Frauen, in dem einen Punkt könnt ihr etwas von uns Männern lernen. Wir zerfleischen uns nicht mit Selbstkritik. Wie steht ein Kerl vor dem Spiegel? Frontal, regungslos und kurz. Und nach zwei Sekunden ist er mit sich im Reinen - "passt schon". Mehr will er gar nicht wissen. Natürlich hat ein Mann irgendwann auch einen Bauchansatz. Aber kein Mann ist so doof und dreht sich vor dem Spiegel ins Profil!

By Anonym 15 Sep

Quinn Loftis

A huge smile spread across Jen's face."Ahh that was a good one." She turned back to the crowed and yelled again."Rewind. We're going to party like it's 2009, New Year’s Eve. If you're curious as to how awesome a party that was, please see me, Jacque or Sally. Sally's version will be much more accurate, and also free of any important inappropriate details." Before she could say anything else, a large hand wrapped around the microphone and pulled it from Jen's grasp. Decebel handed it to Jacque as he growled at his mate and pulled her away.All the while Jen was telling him exactly how much she didn't appreciate him getting all up in her kool aide. She finished by telling him that, once again, she was going to shove her foot where an ‘Exit Only’ sign should be.

By Anonym 15 Sep

C B X Martin

Bob, he’s all action-packed-and-ready-to-go.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Ted Scheu

Fs Are "Fabulous" Hey, Mom and Dad! I got my grades! And you'll be thrilled to hear the marks on our report cards are changed around this year. A bunch of kids were telling me this morning on the bus, that they had heard some teachers say that Fs are "fabulous." And Ds are proudly given out for work that's "dynamite." They're used to honor kids like me, whose brains are really bright. So C of course is super "cool"- I've got a few of those. I wish they could be Ds and Fs, but that's the way it goes. I'm pleased to see my teacher didn't give an A or B. I've worked too hard for one of those. Gosh, aren't you proud of me? I see you don't believe me. You think that I am lying? At least you will agree that I should get an A for trying!

By Anonym 20 Sep

Garry Crystal

You can see the people who thought they could come to London, bend over and pick gold off the streets. They’re all lying on benches in Trafalgar Square with hernias and cans of Special Brew.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Jennifer Echols

Oh.” My dad actually looked sheepish. “It’s one o’clock in the morning and I was going to tell you to shut the monkey up and go to bed. I didn’t realise what was going on in here.” “What’s going on in here?” Cameron asked suspiciously. “Maturity.” My dad backed out of the room and closed the door.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Rainbow Rowell

He was trying to talk to Cath about buffalo. As far as she could tell, Levi had a whole class that was just about buffalo. He seemed like he'd major in buffalo if that were an option. Maybe it was an option….

By Anonym 16 Sep

Lailah Gifty Akita

In every step you take, keep your feet firmly on the ground.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Patience Johnson

What you see and what you listen to will determine how high you will go.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Phil Torcivia

I decide to release myself the only way I can imagine: I pee my pants.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Rick Riordan

My dad gave me a present once,' Nico said. 'It was a zombie.' Reyna stared at him. 'What?' 'His name is Jules-Albert. He's French.' 'A... French zombie?

By Anonym 19 Sep

Patience Johnson

There is a throne up there and someone is sitting on it. It is not you, the economy or your government. My God is still on the throne and I shall not worry.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mark Thomas

An Act of Dissent is simply a way of saying, 'No, I do not accept this and, as my silence may be construed as acquiescence, I would like to make a small gesture to indicate that you can all go fuck yourselves.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Ilona Andrews

If it weren’t for supplies, I’d never go back down to town. But a man has to do what a man has to do. Hard to live like a king without toilet paper.” --Astamur

By Anonym 17 Sep

Karen Chance

Louis-Cesare and Ray were in trouble. I could tell because I could see them, not clearly, but in fits and starts, little glimmers like a couple of ghosts, if ghosts made "oh shit" faces on the one hand agitated French gestures on the other. And that sort of shit wasn't going to go unnoticed for long. Aaaaand it didn't.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Compton Gage

And yet their reward appear not, and their labor had no fruit: for I have gone here and there through the heathen, and I see that they flow in wealth, and think not upon thy commandments.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Jill Barnett

It seemed that unbeknownst to her father, the lecherous bishop had chased Clio for the entire previous week and had foolishly cornered her on the staircase, where he stole a kiss and squeezed her small breasts. So when it came time to doctor him, she had smiled sweetly and stitched up his wound in the shape of three sixes, the sign of the devil.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

He who is jealous is better off not dating someone who is bisexual.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Terri Reid

Aye, it could', Ian added. 'It's many a time when I've walked alone on the misty moors of Scotland, the fog creeping in, the waves pounding against the shore, and then the lone, eerie call of a dead chicken. Caaa-cluck. Caaa-cluck

By Anonym 16 Sep

Robert Clark

I have always been homosexual and it surprises me that more people are not; women's pink bits are moist and forbidding and I enjoy those qualities much more in a Victoria sponge.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Ted Bun

Emerging from the next chalet in the row was a young woman, probably mid-twenties he guessed, about medium height and build, with dark brown bobbed hair. She was clutching an arm full of books and a cup of coffee. That he had taken all this in, in a single glance, was remarkable. As he had simultaneously taken the fact, she was absolutely naked… “Good morning Miss!” “Miss? I never call anyone Miss! She could be married! A radical feminist! And I have just insulted her! I should have said Mizz, or Mam’, Oh God!” The thoughts raced through Addy’s panic-stricken mind. “There has been a spot of trouble at the clubhouse.” Professional, act professional. “I am making a few enquiries, I’d like to come back and ask you a few questions when …” Professional, you’re a professional, Man up! “… When you have … got yourself sorted out.” Phew!!

By Anonym 17 Sep

Howard Tayler

Maxim 36: When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support. -The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

By Anonym 20 Sep

Suzanne Brockmann

What the hell was she doing on the nonhostage side of a handgun?

By Anonym 17 Sep

Jessica Khoury

No! Aguaje is for girls. If a man eats to much of it, he starts to look like a woman. That is the most unscientific thing I've ever heard. Then you haven't met my cousin Jacari. Too much aguaje. Now the mothers use him as wet nurse.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Toni Morrison

Laughter is more serious than tears.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Deepika Kumaaraguru

Where are you from?' 'Studland.' Suddenly, all the girls started giggling. Why did I feel like I was in the middle of a crime scene? 'Wait a second,' Isabelle said, eyes shining. 'Studland?' 'Yeah?' I asked, wondering what was so funny. 'As in "studs"?' she chuckled.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Waheed Ibne Musa

If an angry bull is running toward you, and your pants become wet despite holding the red cloth, make sure the other side of the cloth is white.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Clive Blake

Please Note: Although it is true that some have been captured; we would like to assure you that no thoughts, or images, have been harmed during the making of this book.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Corey Dufour

A halo is a cock ring for the soul.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Patience Johnson

What you need is not too big for God to supply.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Matthew Crow

But mum was tough. No matter how fancily she dressed, she couldn't hide her true nature. Everyone at school was scared of her. Especially the other mums. She once knocked out a man with a single punch when he barged her trolley in Sainsbury's.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Derek Landy

Personally, I think knees should be kept for the eight or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise, you know? 'Oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought!

By Anonym 15 Sep

Benny Bellamacina

Always skip to the pub to enjoy your barley and hops

By Anonym 16 Sep

Meinos Kaen

How did a child of ten find out about a three and a half hundred years old children's show?!

By Anonym 18 Sep

Robyn Carr

She’d never been any kind of camper, never had been good at relieving a full bladder on a whim. Never had quite figured out that squat; it seemed like she’d always wet her right foot.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Cary Attwell

It was a good picture. You could tell by the amount of time I spent staring at it.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Then the Dean repeated the mantra that has had such a marked effect on the progress of knowledge throughout the ages. “Why don’t we just mix up absolutely everything and see what happens?” he said. And Ridcully responded with the traditional response. “It’s got to be worth a try,” he said.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Carrie Fisher

Actually, I am a failed anorexic. I have anorexic thinking, but I can't seem to muster the behavoir

By Anonym 18 Sep

Patience Johnson

Thank God #EVEN# #THOUGH# in bad times not only in your good; this is a graduated form of gratitude.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Deepika Kumaaraguru

This is Kester Baleen and Ajex Cristo,' Jared introduced. 'One born without common sense and another with too much intelligence.' 'Yeah, and what about you Dernell?' Kester retorted back. 'Born with a dry sense of humour.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Guy Haley

No, but if I were an illegal, experimental replicant hiding the truth of an international conspiracy I would try and put myself out of the way of those investigating it, wouldn't you? I don't think hiding under a bed will be very successful. But, if you've any better idea of what the deadly robot assassin is up to, please feel free to act upon it.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Ogden Nash

Higgledy piggledy, my black hen, She lays eggs for gentlemen. Gentlemen come every day To count what my black hen doth lay. If perchance she lays too many, They fine my hen a pretty penny; If perchance she fails to lay, The gentlemen a bonus pay. Mumbledy pumbledy, my red cow, She’s cooperating now. At first she didn’t understand That milk production must be planned; She didn’t understand at first She either had to plan or burst, But now the government reports She’s giving pints instead of quarts. Fiddle de dee, my next-door neighbors, They are giggling at their labors. First they plant the tiny seed, Then they water, then they weed, Then they hoe and prune and lop, They they raise a record crop, Then they laugh their sides asunder, And plow the whole caboodle under. Abracadabra, thus we learn The more you create, the less you earn. The less you earn, the more you’re given, The less you lead, the more you’re driven, The more destroyed, the more they feed, The more you pay, the more they need, The more you earn, the less you keep, And now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to take If the tax-collector hasn’t got it before I wake.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Judy Balan

I don't get it. Why would you want to endure someone who squeezes the toothpaste the wrong way and deprives you of a simple pleasure every morning?

By Anonym 15 Sep

Colleen Gleason

As it happens" said my uncle," I intended to make an appearance at the met today anyway. Inspector Lestrade has been bumbling through another investigation, and I decided it would be best to offer my assistance before he travels too far down an incorrect deductive path- and note that I use the term deductive liberally. I don`t belive Lestrade could deduce in which direction a horse crossed the street even if he came upon a pile of its dung!" Sherlock Holmes, The Chess queen enigma

By Anonym 17 Sep

Mark Jackman

My mortgage isn’t getting any cheaper and I can’t run that Ferrari on faith alone," Reverend Jones said. "Don’t get me wrong, the Big Man upstairs does what he can but I’ve never once seen him filling up the tank of my car.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Michel Tournier

All night the angelic made me gasp for breadth and dream of drowning in sand or earth or mud. I got up, my chest still racked, but glad to be finished with the phantasms which magnify a reality difficult enough in itself. Coffee so bitter it was undrinkable. A big roar. Two big roars. No relief. The mornings only consolation was of a faecal nature. Unexpectedly and impeccably i produced a magnificent turd, so long it had to curve at the ends to fit into the bowl. I contemplated fondly the fine chubby little babe of living clay i'd just brought forth, and my zest for life returned.