Best 3 522 of Humour quotes - MyQuotes

By Anonym 15 Sep

Nicole Williams

...and specimens like this confirmed there had been some kind of divine rule in the universe because no natural selection process was up to the task of creating something like him. This was some god’s, somewhere’s, handiwork.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Jeff Marder

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Mick Herron

Why am I telling you this?' 'So you'll have an excuse to kill me?' 'That's probably it.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Miranda July

Tom began screaming, and I wondered if the baby's soft brain was, in this moment, changing shape in response to the violent stimuli. I tried to intellectualize the noise to protect the baby's psyche. I whispered: Isn't that interesting to hear a man scream? Doesn't that challenge our stereotypes of what men can do? And then I tried, Shhhhhhhhh.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Prasoon

Grades are misconceptions that form people’s perceptions.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Chassis Albuquerque

Can anyone be arrested for being such an asshole as him? Should they pass a law, legislate for just such things, make it a criminal offense you could be detained for being such an asshole? But then most of the world's men would be behind bars serving life term sentences, without parole.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Dylan Perry

Staying relaxed was helping him cope with the drug induced juddering vision that could be best described as being like a Hitchcockian visual effect operated by a hyperactive squirrel that shook the whole universe closer and farther away. If you went with it, it was quite pleasant, as long as you didn't introduce any lateral movement like turning your head or the car. This caused the universe to try and slide away from underneath you. The other side effect was the constant feeling you ought to try to twist your head off, in a good way.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Volker Pispers

Angela Merkel zitiere ich ja am liebsten wörtlich, ich hab noch keine bessere Möglichkeit gefunden diese Frau zu beleidigen.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Patience Johnson

Some people want to kill goliath but they do not want to attend to sheep. How can God use you to kill giants if you cannot follow simple instructions?

By Anonym 15 Sep

Wallace Shawn

Actually, we shot it over two days and the ghost of Danny DeVito was devastatingly present the whole time.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Milne

Oh, help!” said Pooh. “I’d better go back.” “Oh, bother!” said Pooh. “I shall have to go on.” “I can’t do either!” said Pooh. “Oh, help and bother!

By Anonym 19 Sep

Dan Hokstad

Those who can, teach; those who can't, criticize.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Mark Twain

Summer is the time when it is too hot to do the job that it was too cold to do last winter.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Karl Pilkington

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Patience Johnson

If you can't see the assets in you, it will be hard for you to export it to the world. Recognise who you are and the world will recognise you.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Compton Gage

Number me the things that are not yet come- gather me together the dross that are scattered abroad- make me the flowers green again that are withered- Open me the places that are closed, and bring me forth the winds that in them are shut up- shew me the image of a voice: and then I will declare to thee the thing that thou labor to know.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Jeff Smith

If we keep him for ourselves, we can do anything we want with him!' 'OH, REALLY?! Does that include baking him in a quiche?!' 'NO, IT DOES NOT INCLUDE THAT! IT INCLUDES EATING HIM RAW!' 'That's too bad. He would've made a fine pastry filling.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mitch Albom

As usual, he saves his wife's for last. He leans on the cane and he looks at the headstone and he thinks about many things. Taffy. He thinks about taffy. He thinks it would take his teeth out now, but he would eat it anyhow, if it meant eating it with her.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Philip Roth

Doctor doctor, what do you say, lets put the id back in yid

By Anonym 17 Sep

Heather Dixon

Lord Teddie?" she said. "Will you stay for tea?" "Rather!" said the carpet.

By Anonym 19 Sep

David Nicholls

There is a point in the future where even the worst disaster starts to settle into an anecdote.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Patience Johnson

There is no where that life problem can take you that God's presence cannot reach you. There is nothing that people can do to you that can keep God from getting to you.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Compton Gage

For like as the ground is given unto the wood, and the sea to his floods: even so they that dwell upon the earth may understand nothing but that which is upon the earth: and he that dwell above the heavens may only understand the things that are above the height of the heavens.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Neel Burton

Love is like chickenpox. It's much worse when it comes late.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Lisa Mantchev

The Brigands charged in with their weapons drawn. "Who are you?" Young Bertie asked. "We're the bad guys!" their leader announced. "What are you going to do?" "Plunder and pillage!" one of them yelled. The others immediately shoved him. "Not in front of the kid, Ralph! Fer cryin' out loud..." "Oh, yeah. Sorry! We're here to take your candy!

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jonathan Coulton

Dance like they're watching you, because they are watching you.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Nick Earls

Long pants,’ she said rather too fiercely to Andy when he came out of his room wearing shorts. ‘Long pants.’ She herded him back towards his door. ‘These people are from head office. These people are from Melbourne.’ And she emphasised Melbourne as if that should have been all he needed to know. ‘Melbourne people vomit if they see knees,’ I told him, and he said, ‘Why is that kind of information never part of the briefing?

By Anonym 17 Sep

Robyn Carr

Marry me. You'll learn to love me, I promise.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Ilona Andrews

I’d managed to find a hobbit in the Caucasus Mountains. I wondered what he would do if I asked him about second breakfast.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Charles Dickens

Company, you see - company is - is - it's a very different thing from solitude - an't it?

By Anonym 19 Sep

Sharon Kay Penman

What followed was for him a very entertaining spectacle, with one of Edward's brothers seemingly intent upon the most subtle of seductions and the other barely able to force malmsey past the gorge rising in his throat.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Whenever He answers prayers, God usually prioritizes those by people who, instead of their mouths, have prayed with their hands and/or feet.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Matthew Inman

marathon: (noun) A popular form of overpriced torture wherein participants wake up at ass-o-clock in the morning and stand in the freezing cold until it's time to run, at which point they miserably trot for a god-awful interval of time that could be better spent sleeping in and/or consuming large quantities of beer and cupcakes. See also: masochism, awfulness, "a bunch of bullshit", boob-chafing, cupcake deprivation therapy

By Anonym 18 Sep

Jackie Ley

The Jardin Massey looked dismal today, rain lashed and deserted. She watched a bedraggled pigeon, feathers puffed out, sheltering beneath a branch.She'd never made a will, never considered whether she'd rather her body was buried or burnt to grey powder. And where would she want to be buried - in a French graveyard, gaudy with plastic flowers? If she made a will, could she state an aversion to plastic?

By Anonym 19 Sep

Patience Johnson

The presence of crisis does not prove the absence of God. I think in time of crisis Christians should rise up and point to the world on something bigger. The crisis is an opportunity for us to proclaim to the children of darkness what we proclaim in the light.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Wendy Owens

I don't know who you are; you could be an axe murderer for all I know. How am I supposed to trust you and follow you? For that matter, follow you where?" Gabe inquired. "Search yourself, what do your instincts tell you?" Uri asked. "That you're a crazy nut job and freaking me out!" Gabe snapped back.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach

A musician cannot move others unless he too is moved. He must of necessity feel all of the affects that he hopes to arouse in his audience, for the revealing of his own humour will stimulate a like humour in the listener.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Thomas Jefferson

One never really knows how much one has been touched by a place until one has left it.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Eliza Green

People who say you can't do something should be ignored. They're probably talking to themselves.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Edward Lear

Fish fiddle de-dee!

By Anonym 18 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Technically, you cannot really own a book you bought; you can only own the sheets of paper your copy is printed on; unless, of course, you are the book’s publisher.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Benny Bellamacina

Sometimes the walk to the doctors is a better cure than the medicine you receive

By Anonym 19 Sep

Leah Broadby

This is no tall story. Nor is it a short story. Indeed, a story cannot be measured, for their realities stretch far beyond a page or one person’s life.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Brigid Brophy

Manners are for those who have neither beauty or talent but want people to like them despite their lack of attractions

By Anonym 16 Sep

Patience Johnson

In God’s Kingdom there are no overnight sensations or flash-in-the-pan successes. Anyone who wants to be used of God will experience hidden years in the backside of the desert. During that time the Lord is polishing, sharpening and preparing us to fit into His bow, so at the right time, like “a polished shaft” He can launch us into fruitful service. The invisible years are years of serving, studying, being faithful in another person’s ministry and doing the behind-the-scenes work. The Bible says, ‘God is not unjust; he will not forget your work’ (Hebrews 6:10 NIV 2011 Edition). Be patient; when the time is right He will bring forth the fruit He placed inside you.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Georgette Heyer

Bouncer, recognizing a well-wisher, got up, and thrust his cold, wet nose under her hand, assuming as he did so the soulful expression of a dog who takes but a benevolent interest in cats, livestock, and stray visitors.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Compton Gage

If I should ask thee how great dwellings are in the midst of the sea, or how many springs are in the beginning of the deep, or how many springs are above the firmament, or which are the outgoings of paradise: Peradventure thou would say unto me, ‘I never went down into the deep, nor as yet into hell, neither did I ever climb up into heaven.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Kerry Greenwood

If she's a flapper," mused the sergeant, wiping Passionate Rouge lipstick off his blameless mouth, "then I'm all for 'em, and I don't care what Mum says.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Patience Johnson

Whenever someone is a threat to the enemy there will be an attack dispatched against that person to try to minimise their effectiveness.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Benny Bellamacina

I had everything summed up in a nutshell unfortunately I lost the nut.