Best 3 522 of Humour quotes - MyQuotes

By Anonym 20 Sep

Frances Murray

You look extremely young," said Miss Nightingale.... "Age isn't really a matter of years, I find," returned Phemie. "I know people twice my age who will never be as old as I am now.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Terry Pratchett

The Dean leaned toward an ear. “I was saying,” he said loudly, “that we didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘sex’ when we were young.” “That’s true. That’s very true,” said Poons. He stared reflectively at the flames. “Did we ever, mm, find out, do you remember?

By Anonym 18 Sep

John Brunner

Putain mais quelle fichue imagination je peux avoir ...

By Anonym 16 Sep

Godwin Inyang

If my husband is working for Rose, he should not come to Mary for salary at the end of the month.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Peter Gellatly

We find the library world, like the real world, impossible to understand on a rational basis. We turn then to the outer reaches of our mind and treat librarianship with the irrationality that it deserves. While we most often turn to humour merely to enjoy ourselves, we do sometimes do so to make a point. That point is simply that the world of librarianship is ridiculous and that we should all take a far less serious view of our work. What we accomplish as librarians is not, after all, likely to change the world." ~ Norman D. Stevens

By Anonym 16 Sep

Patience Johnson

God made my enemies to serve me in my absence. God made the things that conspired to destroy me feed me into the place that He was preparing for me. I am a big girl and I can handle trouble and my enemies.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Noel Gallagher

He's like a man with a fork, in a world of soup. (about his brother Liam)

By Anonym 18 Sep

Deepika Kumaaraguru

She started naming the fish. 'Loppy, Troppy, Hoppy, Soppy, Boppy, Floppy, Moppy and Roppy.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Charlie Brooker

If you truly believe you need to pick a mobile phone that "says something" about your personality, don't bother. You don't have a personality. A mental illness, maybe - but not a personality.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Alice Walker

Naw, I say. Mr ____, can tell you, I don't like it at all. What is it to like? He git up on you, heist your nightgown round your waist, plunge in. Most times I pretend I ain't there. He never know the difference. Never ast me how I feel, nothing. Just do his business, get off, go to sleep. She start to laugh. Do his business, she say. Do his business. Why, Miss Celie. You make it sound like he going to the toilet on you. That's what it feel like, I say. She stop laughing.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Gaurav Rao

Time and Tide wait for no Man; what about woman ? How Sexist !

By Anonym 17 Sep

Adele Rose

Man I’m hot,” I exclaimed, fanning myself. The combination of climbing out of the cave and the sun meant that I was perspiring like crazy. “Why thank you,” retorted Blaine, smirking. “I’m pleased that my presence causes that kind of reaction.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Madeleine Thien

Look at you quivering like a bag of fresh tofu!

By Anonym 16 Sep

William Golding

I got this to say. You're acting like a crowd of kids.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Lemony Snicket

I stood in the corridor feeling like an angry pebble. It didn't matter where I rolled off to. The mystery and treachery of the world continued, and a pebble like me could get angry over anything it liked and it wouldn't do any good. Librarians not reading, I thought to myself. Sometimes I don't know why I bother.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Bashar

The first step towards true enlightenment is to lighten up on yourself.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Lailah Gifty Akita

The good shepherd saves his sheep.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Georgette Heyer

A jaw like a mastiff's, a frame like a giant's, eyes like two daggers, a smile like a tiger's snarl,"Bernard murmured. "Aye, he is all that!!" Master Herbert said."A murrain be on him! And when I came to him,what did I do? I did bow in all politeness, yet stiffly withal to show him I'd not brook his surliness." "I did hear ye did bow so low that your head came below your knees,"Bernard said.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Jennifer Echols

Oh.” My dad actually looked sheepish. “It’s one o’clock in the morning and I was going to tell you to shut the monkey up and go to bed. I didn’t realise what was going on in here.” “What’s going on in here?” Cameron asked suspiciously. “Maturity.” My dad backed out of the room and closed the door.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Patience Johnson

God's perspectives requires persistence. To have God's perspective in the world we live in requires persistence.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Ethen Strine

The flowers danced, knowing that they will die.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Amy Sedaris

Accentuaute the positives - medicate the negatives.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Agatha Christie

It's all very well to talk like that,” said Mr. Rafiel. “We, you say? What do you think I can do about it? I can't even walk without help. How can you and I set about preventing a murder? You're about a hundred and I'm a broken-up old crock.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Max Gladstone

I love our Lord with all my soul, but the Church did well to give up on sex and focus on the burning.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Kevin Hearne

No. See, when you throw up you're vomiting, but when you throw down you're starting a fight, as in throwing down the gauntlet." "Ohhhh," he said. "I thought you were speaking literally." "I do beg your pardon. Let's literally throw up, but figuratively throw down.

By Anonym 16 Sep

David Nihill

If you're getting chased by a lion, you don't need to run faster than the lion, just the people running with you. - Tim Ferris

By Anonym 16 Sep

Patience Johnson

In God’s Kingdom there are no overnight sensations or flash-in-the-pan successes. Anyone who wants to be used of God will experience hidden years in the backside of the desert. During that time the Lord is polishing, sharpening and preparing us to fit into His bow, so at the right time, like “a polished shaft” He can launch us into fruitful service. The invisible years are years of serving, studying, being faithful in another person’s ministry and doing the behind-the-scenes work. The Bible says, ‘God is not unjust; he will not forget your work’ (Hebrews 6:10 NIV 2011 Edition). Be patient; when the time is right He will bring forth the fruit He placed inside you.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Rassool Jibraeel Snyman

I had this terrible nightmare; I dreamt I was a politician and they were dragging me off to parliament

By Anonym 19 Sep

Leah Thomas

Wait, how do most people make friends? I've only done it once. There has to be an easier way of going abouit it than getting thrown around and bleeding all over the place. But both of us went through that. So maybe... Nosebleeds = Friendship Maybe friends are drawn to bloodsheed. You know. Like sharks.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mads Sukalikar

At first, Maisie had been glad to work with a female crewmember. So much the better to fend off the sneers, leers, and veiled derision of her male majority shipmates. But now she knew better. Karen was here to make neither friends nor feminist stands. She was here to ruin Maisie’s career!

By Anonym 20 Sep

Dianna Hardy

You are old and grey,” she teased. “And you’re never too immortal for a spanking,” he shot back...

By Anonym 16 Sep

Benny Bellamacina

Great songs don't grow on trees, yet lots of songs have been written on great trees

By Anonym 16 Sep

Carla H Krueger

Each day of the week, Kalist indulges himself in a different, secret ritual. On Mondays, he wears cologne. On Tuesdays, he eats meat for lunch. On Wednesdays, he places a bet after work. On Thursdays, he smokes one cigarette (but claims he’s not a smoker). On Fridays, he treats himself to his favourite pastime: horse practice – he grew up with horses and likes to try and emulate their distinctive whinnies, snorts, neighs, snuffles, sighs, grunts, fluttering nostrils, the occasional aggressive outburst and the especially beautiful nicker of a mare to her foal. And, on Saturdays, lest we forget, Maxwell D. Kalist drinks wine from a chalice.

By Anonym 15 Sep

John Niven

- Ci sono divergenze di natura teologica su... Vediamo, per esempio sulla raffigurazione latina del purgatorio. - C'è qualcuno a cui frega una cippa di minchia della raffigurazione latina del purgatorio? - reagisce Dio, versandosi dell'altro caffè.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Patience Johnson

Nobody is too holy for the devil's attack, even your tithes and offerings won't stop him either but God rebukes the devourer through your giving.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Steven Fry

Steven Fry on The Da Vinci Code- "It is complete loose stoolwater. It is arse-gravy of the worst kind.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Carla H Krueger

Secrets are dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Patrick White

Mrs. Trotter made a sincere though wrong sound, while opening her handbag to look for help.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Michelle Franklin

He pointed at the caiques, but Peppone declined the librarian’s offer, saying only, “Do you think the proprietor of the inn where we met will report us?” “The money I left him was more than enough to silence his alarms,” said Danaco. “Gold has an amazing habit of altering memories.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Jenny B. Jones

Oh, to be the author of prison letters. It's a young girl's dream come true.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Jonathan Lynn

Though I thought there weren't any words any more, only fucking signifiers. And since texts have no objective univocal meaning, I feel sure that when I call you a bunch of moronic cunts you will be able to decode that sequence of sequential signifiers with the appropriate emancipated subjectivity.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Carrie Fisher

Her other boyfriend before me was a druggie, too. I don't mean... he was a druggie. I like drugs, but he was a druggie . It's like she just goes out with people who take drugs so she can pick on them. Joan of Narc, patron saint of the addict. - Alex

By Anonym 20 Sep

Terry Pratchett

You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!' IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE. 'She's a child!' shouted Crumley. IT'S EDUCATIONAL. 'What if she cuts herself?' THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Leonie Swann

No, little one, George's ghost won't come back. Human beings don't have souls. No soul, no ghost. Simple." "How can you say that?" protested Mopple. "We don't know whether humans have souls or not." "Every lamb knows that your soul is in your sense of smell. And human beings don't have very good noses." Maude herself had an excellent sense of smell, and often thought about the problem of souls and noses. "So you'd only see a very small ghost. Nothing to be afraid of.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Becca Fitzpatrick

Holy freak show!

By Anonym 20 Sep

Michael Grant

You're the guy who saves up his pennies to take me to a movie," she said, shaking her head as the truth of it came home to her. "I buy the popcorn. Large, of course, because I'm rich.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Fuad Alakbarov

I once went to a restaurant and ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Robert Rankin

Need to get to Ruislip by sparrow-fart though', said the squadron leader. 'Think you can do that? Can I come along for the ride?

By Anonym 17 Sep

Benny Bellamacina

Never go for a drink in London's square mile, nobody ever gets a round in.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Bharath

I fell head over heels for her, and now, I have a stitch on my nose.