Best 263 of Augusten Burroughs quotes - MyQuotes

Follow
Augusten Burroughs
By Anonym 13 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

I suppose home is, for me, more of a state of mind. It's really more of about being where I want to be with people I care about.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

You cannot be a prisoner of your past against your will. Because you can only live in the past inside your mind.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

Optimism sprouts from the knowledge that you are in control of your own life, not your past and not those around you. Part of being in control is taking responsibility for how you feel. This means not just admitting to uncomfortable feelings but then examining your circumstances to see what can be done to change these feelings at the source.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

Glen had a disability more disfiguring than a burn and more terrifying than cancer. Glen had been born on the day after Christmas. "My parents just combine my birthday with Christmas, that's all," he explained. But we knew this was a lie. Glen's parents just wrapped a couple of his Christmas presents in birthday-themed wrapping paper, stuck some candles in a supermarket cake, and had a dinner of Christmas leftovers.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

I realized I'd only seen him at night in dim, flattering restaurant lighting. The sun was not his friend.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

People generally like happy endings, which is something I learned from my years in advertising. I like happy endings myself, but only if they're honest. I'm just as happy with a terrible, hopeless ending.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

We were young. We were bored. And the old electroshock therapy machine was just under the stairs in a box next to the Hoover.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

In the opening to the Mary Tyler Moore Show Mary's in the supermarket, hurrying through the aisles. She pauses at the meat case, picks up a steak and checks the price. Then rolls her eyes, shrugs and tosses it in the cart. That's kind of how I feel. Sure I would have liked things to be different. But, 'roll of eyes' what can you do? 'shrug' I threw the meat in my cart and moved on.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

It was like living in a new house. I saw the undersides of tables, walked through the tangle of chair legs. It would be good to be a dog, I thought. You would feel safe surrounded by all of these leggy objects that never tried to run away.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I have little memory.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

Other people sound flat to my ear; their words just hang in the air. But when my mother says something, the ends curl.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

This is the truest thing I know. Scars are nothing to hate, they are nothing to deny. They serve as our proof of what we survived, and there is nothing more beautiful than to have survived something.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

I like the bad one better,' I said. 'She had flying monkeys, and the good one was tacky and seemed kind of dumb.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

My parents' divorce was explosive. But as with all things that explode, a clean, flattened area was created. I could see the horizon now. The fights between my parents would be over because they weren't speaking; the tension in the house would be eased because there was no house. The canvas was now clean.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

There is no such thing as too ordinary to write about, whether that's life or a scene in a novel. What's interesting to people, whether it's memoir or fiction, is the truth.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

Nobody's trying to kill you, Deirdre. You're killing yourself.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

Maybe it was a Patty Hearst thing. Stockholm syndrome or whatever it's called when you're being held against your will but then you become sucked in and fall in love. Or if not exactly love, you fall into something you can't see out of. 'I can't shoot a machine gun' becomes 'Hey, this hardly has any kick-back!

By Anonym 13 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

I just look at her and she creeps me out. She looks like she would eat a baby. Not that she's fat. She just looks hungry in some dangerous way that can't be explained. She's always so nice and friendly. Exactly the disposition of a baby killer.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

The more time I spent at the Finches', the more I realized what a waste of my life this school crap was. It was nothing but a holding tank for kids without bigger plans or ideas.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

Like every child, I adored her. Until I formed a brain and got to know her.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

Life would be fabric-softener, tuna-salad-on-white, PTA-meeting normal.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

The thing is, I wouldn't believe in them, and I would privately ridicule any idiot who did, except for one thing: I am a witch.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

Dennis looked at the puppy in the window. We both did. It was the oddest thing. Normally, puppies in pet store windows sleep or pee or roll around on top of other dogs. This one ignored us its window-mates and was instead sitting with its nose pressed against the glass, looking at us with an extremely serious little expression on its face. An expression that seemed to me to be saying, "I am a sacred cow. Get out your wallet.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

I think I love him, but I also think that you can love people who aren't good for you.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

As I sat in the hot, salty water, I thought, 'No wonder Mr. Bubble always gives me a urinary tract infection and hives.' Mr. Bubble was for common people. Mr. Bubble was for my so-called brother, their true child. I was a Vanderbilt. I should bathe in condiments and seasonings.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

I think out of seven billion people, there is probably more than just one soul mate. Surely, the paid employee in charge of each person's love life has taken into account the possibility of fatal snake bites and heavy falling objects.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

While I liked hamsters, too, the Habitrail cage was expensive. Even I could see that the interconnecting boxes, tubes, and spheres could easily bankrupt a family and lead to addiction later in life. Because, how would you know when to stop? How could you stop? An entire city could be built with a Habitrail.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

And human instinct is ancient and reliable, utterly mysterious and possibly capable of great genius. I believe that refined, fluent instincts are a person's most valuable asset. My own instincts have repeatedly guided me against the grain of logic and probability. When I have trusted and followed their direction, they have never been wrong. I don't know how or why. But I know that every significant experience-positive or negative-sharpens them and makes them more accurate.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

I did not consider him to be any kind of a genius. I considered him deeply lacking in the area that mattered most in life. Star quality.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

I don't worry about anything in the Internet age. I have been online since I was aware of it: 1985 in San Francisco. It has changed everything in my life. I would not want to even be alive in an era that did not have it because it is essential to our evolution as a species.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

The past does not haunt us. We haunt the past. We allow our minds to focus in that direction. We open memories and examine them. We reexperience emotions we felt during the painful events we experienced because we are recalling them in as much detail as we can.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

My window fogs and this makes me feel like there is no world outside of the car.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

With my own memoirs, they are truthful, and I write everything fully expecting to some day end up televised on Court TV, and I'm fully prepared to be challenged legally on it. Everything I write is the truth and I know that I would win.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

Think of the actual physical elements that compose our bodies: we are 98 percent hydrogen and oxygen and carbon. That's table sugar. You are made of the same stuff as table sugar. Just a couple of tiny differences here and there and look what happened to the sugar: it can stand upright and send tweets.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

I didn't begin life hating my grandmother. Like every child, I adored her. Until I formed a brain and got to know her.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

My only ritual is to just sit down and write, write every day.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

I told myself, 'All I want is a normal life'. But was that true? I wasn't so sure. Because there was a part of me that enjoyed hating school, and the drama of not going, the potential consequences whatever they were. I was intrigued by the unknown. I was even slightly thrilled that my mother was such a mess. Had I become addicted to crisis? I traced my finger along the windowsill. 'Want something normal, want something normal, want something normal', I told myself.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

I've just finished my next collection, Possible Side Effects, and I'm now working on a collection of holiday stories as well as a memoir about my relationship with my father.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

I'll always write about what's going on in my life and the reason for that is it's not actually because I'm so fascinated with myself, it's because I can't think. I can't think like have thoughts in my head and think them through and come to a conclusion. It's like math for me.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

My instinct was always have your gun in your hand. Especially when you are telling somebody to do something. But, in fact, the police academy discourages this. They feel your gun should rarely, if ever, be brought out of its holster. Most certainly not when children are involved, which is exactly when I saw myself using my gun most often. A truant teenager loitering outside a movie theater is going to be far more motivated to return to school when he has the barrel of a .45 pressed against his cheek.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

The problem with not having anybody to tell you what to do, I understood, is that there was nobody to tell you what not to do.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

Saying just the right thing after a considerable, awkward pause is far less effective than saying the wrong thing with perfect timing. I'm telling you.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

your mind is like an unsafe neighborhood; don't go there alone.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

I wanted to shove her typewriter on the floor. I hated it and I hated her. I wanted to be a Cosby.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

My parents had this relationship that was really terrifying. I mean, the level of hatred that they had, and the level of physical abuse - my mother would beat up my father, basically - and I think I was drawn to images on television that were bright and reflective.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

I want to feel calm and at ease. Like someone who lives in Half Moon Bay, California, and makes hummus from scratch. Instead, I feel like I'm a contestant on some awful supermarket game show where I've got sixty seconds to hurl my shopping cart down the aisles, piling it with as much as possible before the buzzer goes off.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

...Trying is not the same as being. Trying flies in a circle around the moment and *being* is inside of it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

I realized I could really become hooked on these happy pills. They gave me a glorious feeling of general well-being and didn't make me fat, like alcohol. I wondered if there was any harm in being addicted to only these.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

When I first thought of being a writer I had visions of stacks of books in stores with my name on them, that sort of thing. But I never imagined this would be the reaction.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Augusten Burroughs

It terrified me to consider: What if, as a grown-up, I craved another body beside me as still as this one? What then?