Best 66 of Fart quotes - MyQuotes
Michael Bassey Johnson
A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.
Your job today is to pass gas. You do that and we can start feeding you liquids. No fart, no food.
Let me see if I can put this in scientific terms: Think of autism like a fart, and vaccines are the finger you pull to make it happen.
Any man can fart in a closed room and say that he commands the wind
Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else.
So, you're worried that a pink dragon will fly over the concent and fart nerve gas on us?
I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.
Don't be more serious than God. God invented dog farts.
As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner.
The notion of "cause and effect" is sometimes useful in real life, and it can even be interesting in art, but I'm more interested in "cause and cause" or "effect and effect" or "and and and".
Have you been sniffing fairy farts?
The average pregnant woman farts 15 times that!
Though I've turned 21, I don't drink. I'm an old hag now. I'm just an old fart.
I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
This Nicholas anon leet fle a fart As greet as it had been a thonder-dent, That with the strook he was almoost yblent; And he was redy with his iren hoot, And Nicholas amydde the ers he smoot. Of gooth the skyn an hande-brede aboute, The hoote kultour brende so his toute, And for the smert he wende for to dye.
My waist is a 30. The jeans are a 28. When I fart, the Reeboks blow off.
Listening to her spooling out impractical and transcendental picture-concepts like a hyperventilating tickertape he felt the weight lift from him, floating in a sweet and putrid lager fart to dissipate beneath the starry, vast obsidian pudding bowl of closing time, inverted and set down upon the Burroughs as though keeping flies away.
Michael R. Fletcher
Wait!" said Erbrechen, suddenly feeling jovial. "I change my mind. Never shite again. Ever. Anywhere." It was a small thing, but of such small things were life's joys truly made. The thought, he knew, would keep him smiling for days. "The world is a comedy, intoned Erbrechen, tittering, "and each must play his fart.
A happy fart never comes from a miserable ass.
What happened next… well, I'm going to blame it on the fact that I was scared. And I had just flown or fallen or something through about eighty years worth of Time. Or maybe it was the beans. I farted. I farted loud enough that it echoed around the small closet, bounced off all four walls and finally escaped through the open door. At least that's what it did in my mind's eye.
ObamaCare is to health care as a fart is to an elevator.
Love is like a fart. It's warm, unpredictable. And sometimes it stinks, but it can also be the best feeling in the world. That's why I'm so happy that I passed you that day. I know now...I fart you
I swear by the self-assurance with which elderly men sitting in public tilt sideways to allow the gas to escape loudly.
I tell a lot of fart and poop jokes. I can't help it. I have no filter, and it just comes out.
Nassim Nicholas Taleb
I am happy everywhere except in places where I see glitz and rich farts. I am happiest in Brooklyn, where the concentration of rich farts is minimal.
Maybe it was me," Grandma said."Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?
I don't know the ultimate fate of a suppressed fart.
Farts and poop are still funny and will always be funny.
I'm not a fan of purposely farting in front of other people. If you have to fart, leave the room.
An employer’s fart is music to his employees’ ears.
My sweet naughty girl I got your hot letter tonight and have been trying to picture you frigging your cunt in the closet. How do you do it? Do you stand against the wall with your hand tickling up under your clothes or do you squat down on the hole with your skirts up and your hand hard at work in through the slit of your drawers? Does it give you the horn now to shit? I wonder how you can do it. Do you come in the act of shitting or do you frig yourself off first and then shit? It must be a fearfully lecherous thing to see a girl with her clothes up frigging furiously at her cunt, to see her pretty white drawers pulled open behind and her bum sticking out and a fat brown thing stuck half-way out of her hole. You say you will shit your drawers, dear, and let me fuck you then. I would like to hear you shit them, dear, first and then fuck you. Some night when we are somewhere in the dark and talking dirty and you feel your shite ready to fall put your arms round my neck in shame and shit it down softly. The sound will madden me and when I pull up your dress.
That has less significance than a dog's fart.
You never want to look like an old fart doing young rap music.
At one time or another, farts have coincided with every other sound, including this quote.
Coinman lets out another legendary explosive from his hindquarters!
Did I not tell you earlier that a Jew is such a noble, precious jewel that God and all the angels dance when he farts?
Right now, the old guys, the old farts, if you will, are still running the show, and the women haven't gotten their place yet at all.
If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.
Griselda, satisfied she’d solved the riddle, and the pressure relieved, farted. She prescribed a bowl of tansy, good for killing worms and cleansing the bowels.
Modern music is three farts and a raspberry, orchestrated.
Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the least to recommend it. As an amusement, it is too fleeting; as an occupation, it is too wearing; as a public exhibition, there is no money in it. It is unsuited to the drawing room, and in the most cultured society it has long been banished from the social board. It has at last, in our day of progress and improvement, been degraded to brotherhood with flatulence. Among the best bred, these two arts are now indulged in only private--though by consent of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo on the fundamental sigh.
I want to do it too!” said Gazzy, sitting very, very quietly, completely motionless. “Nope,” said Nudge, shaking her head. “You stand out like a fart in church.
A fart is just your arse applauding.
My sweet little whorish Nora I did as you told me, you dirty little girl, and pulled myself off twice when I read your letter. I am delighted to see that you do like being fucked arseways. Yes, now I can remember that night when I fucked you for so long backwards. It was the dirtiest fucking I ever gave you, darling. My prick was stuck in you for hours, fucking in and out under your upturned rump. I felt your fat sweaty buttocks under my belly and saw your flushed face and mad eyes. At every fuck I gave you your shameless tongue came bursting out through your lips and if a gave you a bigger stronger fuck than usual, fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora’s fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also. You say when I go back you will suck me off and you want me to lick your cunt, you little depraved blackguard. I hope you will surprise me some time when I am asleep dressed, steal over to me with a whore’s glow in your slumberous eyes, gently undo button after button in the fly of my trousers and gently take out your lover’s fat mickey, lap it up in your moist mouth and suck away at it till it gets fatter and stiffer and comes off in your mouth. Sometimes too I shall surprise you asleep, lift up your skirts and open your drawers gently, then lie down gently by you and begin to lick lazily round your bush. You will begin to stir uneasily then I will lick the lips of my darling’s cunt. You will begin to groan and grunt and sigh and fart with lust in your sleep. Then I will lick up faster and faster like a ravenous dog until your cunt is a mass of slime and your body wriggling wildly. Goodnight, my little farting Nora, my dirty little fuckbird! There is one lovely word, darling, you have underlined to make me pull myself off better. Write me more about that and yourself, sweetly, dirtier, dirtier.
You stand out like a fart in a church.
There is Harlan Ellison the human being, who takes a crap a couple of times a day, and who farts, and who eats chicken croquettes, if I can find them. And then there is the writer, this writer-person, who is a much finer person than I. Much more orderly, much more meaningful. Worthier, than I [am].
The greatest fart ive herd of all time came from a man called big al bundy. As we were leaving work, he was in full momentum walking with great pace and a spring in his step telling every one a story. And then came straight outa crapton, RUMPA, PUMP, THUMP!. In a 3 part fart it hesitated to exit big al on first and second attempt, but on the 3rd and final push he flexed his right leg giving more rev than a Ferrari. He let off an atomic bomb, it could have welded the titanic back together. Best part about it, bundy just kept on bobbing along outa work with his spade in hand and wife beater tucked into levies.
Robert Plant asked me to marry him, but I said 'no.' I mean, you just don't want to marry someone you've wanted to do it with since you were thirteen, because, well, if he farts, I would, like, die!
I have a playlist of farts on my phone.
If it doesn't fart or eat hay, she isn't interested.