Best 797 of Dave Barry quotes - MyQuotes

Follow
Dave Barry
By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

As Americans we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful, and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

By the eighties, a lot of radio stations had started playing "Sixties" music. They called it "Classic Rock," because they knew we'd be upset if they came right out and called it what it is, namely "middle-aged-person nostalgia music.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War. This is because turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

I am a superior form of human and I have absolutely no quirks or irrational impulses of any kind.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they also like to eat snails.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

First, a few words about this title. It isn't easy, coming up with book titles. A lot of the really good ones are taken. Thin Thighs in 30 Days, for example. Also The Bible.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

I've been checking with people back in South Florida to see if Hurricane Dennis is going to whack my house, and the consensus of the experts seems to be: No, it will not, unless it does, in which case, yes. So I'm feeling really calm over here in London.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into your lips. People will then be literally kissing ass.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

The bad news was that the yard contained a dog. A very, very large dog, wide and hairy, like a cross between a rottweiler and a Goodyear blimp.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

The older I get and the more fiction I write, the more I outline, the more I think about plot before I dive in and plunge too far.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

When I was a kid, I thought history was the most boring subject of all. I shouldn't blame my teachers; I should blame me, but I'll blame them.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things about them: 1. They all had editors. 2. They are all dead. Thus we can draw the scientific conclusion that editors are fatal.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones in England - is actually a crude effort by the Druids to build a computing device.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

There's only one way kids will wear helmets, and that's if their parents are nagging them to. They will never wear helmets because some state passes a law requiring it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

Database: the information you lose when your memory crashes.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

You and Teacher,” said Molly. “Yes,” said Peter. “She’s very clever. You’ll like her.” “I’m sure,” said Molly.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

Love and pregnancy and riding on a camel cannot be hid

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

As sensitive and broad-minded humans, we must never allow ourselves to be in any way judgmental of the religious practices of other people, even when these people clearly are raving space loons.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

I think if you use Twitter and social media as your main source of information you are an idiot, but I think most people who use it know better, so I kind of enjoy it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

I guess the negative thing that happens to me is that I'm old now. They said there was a generation I was too young for and now some will say there's probably 10 generations I'm too old for. They'll say, isn't he dead or retired or whatever? Or it just becomes fashionable to say "Oh he's not funny anymore," which, I don't know, maybe to them I'm not. I'm more likely to hear that now than I am to hear that I'm unacceptably risqué.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

And you definitely shouldn't attempt to drive yourself in Miami, because odds are you'd make some foolish tourist mistake such as stop for a red light, which means you'd be rear-ended by a vehicle going upwards of eighty miles per hour driven by a motorist with no insurance but a minimum of two firearms.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

The story of the eighties will be the story of the Reagan administration and the many men and women who served in it, some of whom are already out on parole.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

I don't even care what Bill Bryson writes about because he will make it interesting. I love "A Walk in the Woods," about the Appalachian Trail, but his most amazing book is "A Short History of Nearly Everything.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

If he (The New York Taxi Driver) talked to me, he might lose his concentration, which would be very bad because the taxi has some kind of problem with the steering, probably dead pedestrians lodged in the mechanism, the result being that there is a delay of 8 to 10 seconds between the time the driver turns the wheel and the time the taxi actually changes direction, a handicap that the driver is compensating for by going 175 miles per hour, at which velocity we are able to remain airborne almost to the far rim of some of the smaller potholes.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

Can we move this conversation along, I'm getting frightfully tired of 'hoa'.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

The president, apparently, was so totally unaware of where his foreign policy was that he had to appoint a distinguished commission to help him locate it, and when the commissioners called him in to testify, he told them, essentially, that he couldn't remember what it looked like. Now, if Richard Nixon had claimed something like that you would at least have had the comfort of knowing he was lying. You could trust Nixon that way. But with this president, you have this nagging feeling that he's telling the truth.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

When you say you don't think we should have public schools, they can't believe you mean that. You must mean that they should be smaller. But you can't really mean no public schools.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

Directors are always changing things at the last minute. Actors will do a scene, and the director will say, ‘Okay, that was perfect, but this time, Bob, instead of saying “What’s for dinner?” you say, “Wait a minute! Benzene is actually a hydrocarbon!” And say it with a Norwegian accent. Also, we think maybe your character should have no arms.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

Recently I began to feel this void in my life, even after meals, and I said to myself, "Dave, all you do with your spare time is sit around and drink beer. You need a hobby." So I got a hobby. I make beer.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

So when I open the door on Halloween, I am confronted by three or four imaginary heroes, such as G.I. Joe, Conan the Barbarian and Oliver North, who would look very terrifying except that they are three feet tall and facing in random directions. They stand there silently for several seconds before an adult voice hisses from the darkness behind them: "Say 'Trick or treat!

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

We travel because, no matter how comfortable we are at home, there's a part of us that wants - that needs - to see new vistas, take new tours, obtain new entrees, introduce new bacteria into our intestinal tracts, learn new words for "transfusion," and have all the other travel adventures that make us want to French-kiss our doormats when we finally get home.