Best 797 of Dave Barry quotes - MyQuotes

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Dave Barry
By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by 'they', I mean 'computers'. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

She goes to Frederick's of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you could read an appliance warranty through it in an unlit closet.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the vaguest idea what you're doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you're reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

Reading... a vacation for the mind.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required".

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

The letters in 'Brace Beemer' can be arranged to spell 'Embrace Beer.'

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

In Los Angeles, the jury in the Reginald Denny Beating trial, after much thinking, concludes, that Person A is not necessarily trying to kill Person B just because Person A happens to very deliberately bash Person B's skull in with a brick. The verdict is applauded by scientists at the Tobacco Institute.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

If the people in Europe are SOOOOOO smart, how come so many of them can't seem to locate the deodorant, huh?

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

The nicest Father's Day surprise of all for Dad would be if you handed him a box, and he unwrapped it, and there, inside, sitting on a bed of folded tissue, was the pair of his undershorts that somebody threw away six months ago (without asking Dad) because they had reached the stage where they were 3 percent undershorts and 97 percent holes. Dad misses those undershorts. They were his Faithful Undershorts Companion.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

We are talking about mutated women, the result of cruel genetic experiments performed by fashion designers so lacking in any sense of human decency that they think nothing of putting their initials on your eyeglass lenses. The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. If a normal woman puts on clothing designed for these unfortunate people, she is quite naturally going to look like Revenge of the Pork Person.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

I liked making people laugh, and I decided I was an atheist early on. My Dad was all right with that. We argued about it all the time, but it was good-natured. He was the most open-minded human being I've ever known.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

You can be the smartest person in the world - which Bill Clinton is, and if he's not, his wife is - and care more than anybody else in the world - which he does, I don't doubt that for a minute. And you can care so much that you're willing to be dishonest - you can tell people one thing but do another because you really know it's for their own good. And you'll still screw it all up. Because the whole premise of what you're doing is wrong!

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land." (Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots)

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

I walked out of the movie "Lincoln" and bought the book [of Doris Kearns Goodwin] at the bookstore next door.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things about them: 1. They all had editors. 2. They are all dead. Thus we can draw the scientific conclusion that editors are fatal.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

The bad news was that the yard contained a dog. A very, very large dog, wide and hairy, like a cross between a rottweiler and a Goodyear blimp.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

I've always found relationships, men and women, the fact that they are so radically different, and it manifests itself in so many different ways, and yet somehow we still try to live together and be friends. I find that endlessly valuable as a source of material for humor. Generally dogs are always funny in my opinion. And the federal government - just a relentlessly productive source of humor.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

If you have ever seen the movie Night of the Living Dead, you have a rough idea how modern corporations and organizations operate, with projects and proposals that everybody thought were killed constantly rising from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

You can't have a bad time at Disney World. It's not allowed. They have hidden electronic surveillance cameras everywhere, and if they catch you failing to laugh with childlike wonder, they lock you inside a costume representing a beloved Disney character such as Goofy and make you walk about in the Florida heat getting grabbed and leaped on by violently excited children until you have learned your lesson.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

When the boomers started to have kids reach adolescence, there was suddenly this feeling that they needed to protect their kids from all the same things they did when they were kids. Which I guess is a natural tendency, but it makes for a less fun society.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

I am absolutely sick unto death of hearing people say - they all say this; it must be Item One on the curriculum in Trend College - "I just hate to talk to a machine!" They say this as though it is a major philosophical position, as opposed to a description of a minor neurosis. My feeling is, if you have a problem like this, you shouldn't go around trumpeting it; you should stay home and practice talking to a machine you can feel comfortable with, such as your Water Pik, until you are ready to assume your place in modern society.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Dave Barry

Smee! Raise the Ladies!

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog - to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

Unlike cats dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

Generally the pythons are better than anything else at killing.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

[American tax laws] are constantly changing as our elected representatives seek new ways to ensure that whatever tax advice we receive is incorrect.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

I say we scrap the current system and replace it with a system wherein you add your name to the bottom of a list, and then you send some money to the person at the top of the list, and then you... Oh, wait, that is our current system.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

We constantly see surveys that reveal this ignorance, especially among our high school students,78 percent of whom, in a recent nationwide multiple-choice test, identified Abraham Lincoln as 'a kind of lobster.' That's right: more than three quarters of our nation's youth could not correctly identify the man who invented the telephone.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

At certain times each year, we journalists do almost nothing except apply for the Pulitzers and several dozen other major prizes. During these times you could walk right into most newsrooms and commit a multiple axe murder naked, and it wouldn't get reported in the paper because the reporters and editors would all be too busy filling out prize applications.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

Common criticism of the Internet is that it is dominated by the crude, the uninformed, the immature, the smug, the untalented, the repetitious, the pathetic, the hostile, the deluded, the sefl-righteous, and the shrill. This criticism overlooks the fact that the Internet also offers - for the savvy individual who knows where to look - the tasteless and borderline insane.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.