Best 56 of Andy Borowitz quotes - MyQuotes

Follow
Andy Borowitz
By Anonym 15 Sep

Andy Borowitz

US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Andy Borowitz

The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Andy Borowitz

You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Andy Borowitz

All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'

By Anonym 13 Sep

Andy Borowitz

If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Andy Borowitz

As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Andy Borowitz

To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people

By Anonym 15 Sep

Andy Borowitz

The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Andy Borowitz

The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it was long overdue.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Andy Borowitz

The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Think about it... The Republicans have gone from Abraham Lincoln to Sarah Palin to Donald Trump. No wonder they don't believe in evolution.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Andy Borowitz

If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Andy Borowitz

A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Andy Borowitz

The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps; and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Andy Borowitz

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Andy Borowitz

White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in "Duh" magazine.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Andy Borowitz

Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.