Best 110 of Funny life quotes - MyQuotes

By Anonym 13 Sep

Stephen Fry

A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lawrence Welk

There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Darynda Jones

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -T-Shirt

By Anonym 13 Sep

Sherrilyn Kenyon

I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Adolphe Menjou

He has a heart of gold - only harder.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Paulo Coelho

The gods throw the dice and they don't ask whether we want to be in the game or not.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Erma Bombeck

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Margaret Atwood

These things sneak up on him for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Clint Eastwood

First, I blow a hole in your face; then I go back inside, and sleep like a baby... I guarantee you.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Ralph Waldo Emerson

There is properly no history, only biography.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Darynda Jones

Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Tom Wilson

I try not to worry about the future - so I take each day just one anxiety attack at a time.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mark Russell

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Hunter S. Thompson

Luck is a very thin wire between survival and disaster, and not many people can keep their balance on it.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Richie Norton

This is how you get through life: duck.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Watterson

Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Hugh Leonard

There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Frank Zappa

The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else's life.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Rex W. Tillerson

Just remember that a pat on the back is only 18 inches from a kick in the behind.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Peter De Vries

Life is a crowded superhighway with bewildering cloverleaf exits on which a man is liable to find himself speeding back in the direction he came.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Maureen Johnson

It was almost funny. Life seemed downright accidental in its brevity, and death a punch line to a lousy joke.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Bernard Shaw

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ron White

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Tom Robbins

There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Gustave Flaubert

I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Fakeer Ishavardas

I will bow to your pal up in the sky if you too to my god, Mr. Not, say hi.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Gabrielle Roy

it's a funny life. Either you don't make a red cent and you have all the time in the world, or else you get double the money and you don't have a moment to spend a penny of it.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Cosby

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Cathy Guisewite

I'm more financially successful, but it just means the shopping blunders I make are bigger now.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Andy Borowitz

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Ade

Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Hunter S. Thompson

I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Doug Larson

Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Robert Orben

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Joseph Heller

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Fakeer Ishavardas

I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Erma Bombeck

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Fakeer Ishavardas

My pal up there, Mr. NOT, has anointed me as the latest messiah. Yeah, just like that! So, don't you dare utter a word against your newest boss, or I'm gonna whup your fat ass.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jerry Seinfeld

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

By Anonym 14 Sep

William Shakespeare

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!

By Anonym 14 Sep

Russell Conwell

So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected, let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!

By Anonym 14 Sep

George Carlin

Life is a near-death experience.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Monica Seles

Life is not worth living if I cannot have pasta or bread again.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Fakeer Ishavardas

The earth is full of them - dogs, and humans. One should get to know them - dogs. They're so human.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jennifer Aniston

Life is funny. Life isn’t categorized into comedy, drama, action, is it?So I don’t know why they try to categorize everything. It drives me crazy-why it would have to be just a romantic comedy or…I want to have a little integrity, a little story, you know

By Anonym 13 Sep

Douglas Adams

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.

By Anonym 14 Sep

R. D. Laing

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Arnold Schwarzenegger

If I can sell tickets to my movies like Red Sonja or Last Action Hero, you know I can sell just about anything.