Best 110 of Funny life quotes - MyQuotes
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
The earth is full of them - dogs, and humans. One should get to know them - dogs. They're so human.
George Bernard Shaw
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
Peter De Vries
Life is a crowded superhighway with bewildering cloverleaf exits on which a man is liable to find himself speeding back in the direction he came.
So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected, let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!
It was almost funny. Life seemed downright accidental in its brevity, and death a punch line to a lousy joke.
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else's life.
I love you as I do all - not at all.
it's a funny life. Either you don't make a red cent and you have all the time in the world, or else you get double the money and you don't have a moment to spend a penny of it.
I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
The gods throw the dice and they don't ask whether we want to be in the game or not.
He has a heart of gold - only harder.
There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.
Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.
Hunter S. Thompson
Luck is a very thin wire between survival and disaster, and not many people can keep their balance on it.
A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling.
If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.
I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.
Life is a near-death experience.
There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance.
Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -T-Shirt
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!
Life is not worth living if I cannot have pasta or bread again.
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
Life is funny. Life isn’t categorized into comedy, drama, action, is it?So I don’t know why they try to categorize everything. It drives me crazy-why it would have to be just a romantic comedy or…I want to have a little integrity, a little story, you know
The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
I will bow to your pal up in the sky if you too to my god, Mr. Not, say hi.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
What you discover about life’s shell game is that it’s hardest to follow the pea when you’re the pea.
I consider myself a crayon... I may not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture.
First, I blow a hole in your face; then I go back inside, and sleep like a baby... I guarantee you.
I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.
Life tells you to take the elevator, but love tells you to take the stairs.
R. D. Laing
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
These things sneak up on him for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency.
Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made.
Norman Vincent Peale
Promises are like crying babies in a theater, they should be carried out at once.
Hunter S. Thompson
I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination.
On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.
Every time I get something under control in my own life, the world provides more material.
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
I try not to worry about the future - so I take each day just one anxiety attack at a time.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
There is properly no history, only biography.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.