Best 110 of Funny life quotes - MyQuotes
This is how you get through life: duck.
The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
He has a heart of gold - only harder.
Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.
The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else's life.
Hunter S. Thompson
Luck is a very thin wire between survival and disaster, and not many people can keep their balance on it.
So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected, let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!
These things sneak up on him for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency.
I will bow to your pal up in the sky if you too to my god, Mr. Not, say hi.
Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made.
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.
There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.
Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.
Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
There is properly no history, only biography.
Peter De Vries
Life is a crowded superhighway with bewildering cloverleaf exits on which a man is liable to find himself speeding back in the direction he came.
A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling.
On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.
It was almost funny. Life seemed downright accidental in its brevity, and death a punch line to a lousy joke.
I love you as I do all - not at all.
I consider myself a crayon... I may not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture.
My pal up there, Mr. NOT, has anointed me as the latest messiah. Yeah, just like that! So, don't you dare utter a word against your newest boss, or I'm gonna whup your fat ass.
The gods throw the dice and they don't ask whether we want to be in the game or not.
I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.
Life is not worth living if I cannot have pasta or bread again.
I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.
There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance.
R. D. Laing
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.
Rex W. Tillerson
Just remember that a pat on the back is only 18 inches from a kick in the behind.
Life is funny. Life isn’t categorized into comedy, drama, action, is it?So I don’t know why they try to categorize everything. It drives me crazy-why it would have to be just a romantic comedy or…I want to have a little integrity, a little story, you know
The earth is full of them - dogs, and humans. One should get to know them - dogs. They're so human.
First, I blow a hole in your face; then I go back inside, and sleep like a baby... I guarantee you.
Hunter S. Thompson
I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination.
Life is a near-death experience.
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
Life tells you to take the elevator, but love tells you to take the stairs.
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
Every time I get something under control in my own life, the world provides more material.
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
George Bernard Shaw
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.
I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
What you discover about life’s shell game is that it’s hardest to follow the pea when you’re the pea.
it's a funny life. Either you don't make a red cent and you have all the time in the world, or else you get double the money and you don't have a moment to spend a penny of it.
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!
I'm more financially successful, but it just means the shopping blunders I make are bigger now.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.