Best 110 of Funny life quotes - MyQuotes
A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling.
There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -T-Shirt
I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.
He has a heart of gold - only harder.
The gods throw the dice and they don't ask whether we want to be in the game or not.
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
These things sneak up on him for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency.
First, I blow a hole in your face; then I go back inside, and sleep like a baby... I guarantee you.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
There is properly no history, only biography.
Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.
I try not to worry about the future - so I take each day just one anxiety attack at a time.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Hunter S. Thompson
Luck is a very thin wire between survival and disaster, and not many people can keep their balance on it.
This is how you get through life: duck.
Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.
The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else's life.
Rex W. Tillerson
Just remember that a pat on the back is only 18 inches from a kick in the behind.
Peter De Vries
Life is a crowded superhighway with bewildering cloverleaf exits on which a man is liable to find himself speeding back in the direction he came.
It was almost funny. Life seemed downright accidental in its brevity, and death a punch line to a lousy joke.
George Bernard Shaw
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance.
I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.
I will bow to your pal up in the sky if you too to my god, Mr. Not, say hi.
it's a funny life. Either you don't make a red cent and you have all the time in the world, or else you get double the money and you don't have a moment to spend a penny of it.
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
I'm more financially successful, but it just means the shopping blunders I make are bigger now.
The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.
Hunter S. Thompson
I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination.
Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.
Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
My pal up there, Mr. NOT, has anointed me as the latest messiah. Yeah, just like that! So, don't you dare utter a word against your newest boss, or I'm gonna whup your fat ass.
I love you as I do all - not at all.
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!
So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected, let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!
Life is a near-death experience.
Life is not worth living if I cannot have pasta or bread again.
The earth is full of them - dogs, and humans. One should get to know them - dogs. They're so human.
Life is funny. Life isn’t categorized into comedy, drama, action, is it?So I don’t know why they try to categorize everything. It drives me crazy-why it would have to be just a romantic comedy or…I want to have a little integrity, a little story, you know
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
R. D. Laing
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
If I can sell tickets to my movies like Red Sonja or Last Action Hero, you know I can sell just about anything.