Best 759 of Bill Maher quotes - MyQuotes

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Bill Maher
By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Maher

People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it's hard at the beginning.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Bill Maher

They say that Japan's rigorous building codes and regulations saved thousands of lives over there. Or, as Republicans here saw it, it 'fostered a socialist, anti-business environment that's worse than being dead.'

By Anonym 15 Sep

Bill Maher

Why is the AMA for 'Obamacare'? If this is going to hurt doctors, why are they for 'Obamacare'?

By Anonym 17 Sep

Bill Maher

New Rule: Churches have to stop ringing the damn bells. It was a good idea in the Middle Ages, but people have clocks now. It's not like you're doing us all a favor by keeping the hunchbacks off the street. Make up your mind, are you a house of worship or an ice cream truck?

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Maher

Let us not become so tolerant that we tolerate intolerance.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Maher

It's very well known that the Republicans have problems with minorities. The Democrats have big problems with white people. Obama only got 39% of the vote. He only got 36% of the working-class white people.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Maher

I was watching Ashlee Simpson on Jay's show last night... She was really singing, and I was saying, 'Bring back the lip synch'... And it struck me that Ashlee Simpson is a lot like George Bush - because she wouldn't even really be in the big leagues if it wasn't for family connections, and she's in way over her head. And she doesn't know what to do. And she blamed her band.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Bill Maher

It's a funny thing about Americans, we love to bitch about paying too much for the things we really need and are really a bargain, like gas and postage stamps, but we willingly shell out outrageous amounts for unnecessary crap like gourmet coffee and soap to make your crotch smell good. Two dollars a gallon to go ten miles is too much, but five to the parking valet to go ten feet is okay.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Bill Maher

Unemployment is down, confidence is up, DOW 5,000 above Bush - or as Republicans put it, let's talk about gay people and abortion!

By Anonym 15 Sep

Bill Maher

You talk about 'Obama is going to herd us into FEMA brainwashing camps.' Maybe your brain needs a little washing.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bill Maher

If you think Democrats are going to take away your Bible, you're an idiot. If you think they are going to take away your gun, you're an armed idiot. If you think they're going to take away your gun and give it to a Mexican to kill your God, you're Bill O'Reilly.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Bill Maher

What's going to be hard for the United States is that our policy for a long time has been a two-state solution; the Palestinians should have their own state. Now, the Palestinians are going to the U.N. and saying, 'We're having the U.N. vote to say we have our own state. Well, if that's your policy, United States of America, why are you vetoing it?' Which we will do.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Bill Maher

When those myths were created, when the Bible was written, man didn't know what an atom or a germ was, or where the sun went at night, or why the women got pregnant. [Laughs.] They needed stories to answer the questions.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bill Maher

I don't know if [Barack Obama] saw the latest religion survey, but almost a quarter of the country are Nones. I don't mean the ones who hit me on the knuckles with a ruler in Sunday School - I mean they put "None" for religion.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bill Maher

Government - they used to teach it in college. It's actually something you should study and learn and know how to do. The Republicans always run on the idea that government isn't very effective. Well, not the way you do it. But it can be effective.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Bill Maher

You're not a patriot unless even when you lose, it's still your country.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Bill Maher

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can't the rest of us make them go away?!

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bill Maher

I kid the Republicans, with love. I feel bad for them. They got nobody for next time. Who are they gonna run? Sarah Palin, reading off her hand. Did you see that? You saw this? She wrote "tax cuts" on her hand. A Republican so stupid she has to be reminded of the one thing - Tax cuts! This is like if you saw the coyote's paw and it said "Road Runner".

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Maher

John McCain, who once called Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson 'forces of evil', has now come out for teaching intelligent design. That is sad, when smart people have to pretend to be so dumb to get elected.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Maher

Only a Bush could answer a 'yes' or 'no' question two different ways and be wrong both times.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bill Maher

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Maher

Lip-synching?! Let that be a lesson. If you are in Washington, D.C., and you open your mouth and another voice comes out, it better be the NRA, an oil company or a bank.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bill Maher

False hope really makes you cynical.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Maher

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and it translate to beef with broccoli. The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Maher

Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and, for once, it wasn't your job.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Bill Maher

New Rule: Getting up close and personal with sharks doesn't make you a wildlife enthusiast--it makes you dinner. An Austrian tourist wanted to get "face-to-face" with sharks, so he went diving in waters baited with bloody fish parts. And he got ate. A friend was asked to describe the man. He needed only two words: "Good chum.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Bill Maher

New Rule: There's only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and naming Religulous the number-one Most Unbearable Movie of 2008: Thank you! You hate me, you really hate me!

By Anonym 15 Sep

Bill Maher

What we don't know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once had his brother Florida on a silver platter.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bill Maher

Glenn Beck retired or got fired...and a lot of people are asking who will now speak for the raving lunatics who startle you outside of a parking garage?

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Maher

The country can't get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Maher

North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against America as I do. It's like walking through a parking lot and getting barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Maher

That's what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell 'AK-47!' and a lady yelled, 'Bingo!'

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bill Maher

I know a whole generation has been raised on the notion of multiculturalism; that all civilizations are just different. No! Not always. Sometimes things are better! Rule of law is better than autocracy and theocracy; equality of the sexes, better; protection of minorities, better; free speech, better; free elections, better; free appliances with large purchases, better! Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bill Maher

Anything is depressing if you dwell on it. The fact that religion could end the world? Yeah, I guess that could be considered depressing. But considering that there's also a lot to laugh at, I think it's a good balance.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bill Maher

If we go back to the beginning, we shall find that ignorance and fear created the gods; that fancy, enthusiasm, or deceit adorned them; that weakness worships them; that credulity preserves them and that custom, respect and tyranny support them in order to make the blindness of men serve their own interests. If the ignorance of nature gave birth to gods, the knowledge of nature is calculated to destroy them.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Maher

Sarah Palin should not be on vacation. She should be in summer school.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Maher

The Eleventh Commandment: don't speak ill of a fellow Republican. What if the fellow Republican is doing something that hurts America? Isn't it the patriot who sides with America before he sides with the Republicans?

By Anonym 16 Sep

Bill Maher

I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bill Maher

I’m supposed to be all re-injected with yes-we-can fever after the big health care speech, and it was a great speech - when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his teleprompter, there is none better. But here’s the thing: Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Maher

I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Maher

New rule: Stop calling it Obamacare. It's not like Obama will be the doctor for your next prostate exam. That's just a common fantasy of Republican men.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Maher

Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Bill Maher

New Rule: Colin Firth has to admit that he's not a human being but a robot designed by women as the perfect man. He's handsome, charming, witty, he's got that accent and a gay best friend...the only way he could be any better is if he ejaculated Häagen-Dazs.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bill Maher

Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs - another blonde airhead.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bill Maher

Donald Trump got the power of the government behind him now. He didn't have that before when he was just a clown. The Republican party is still with him. Including those state legislatures. Gerrymandering. He has basically Pravda in FOX News, in Breitbart, in Drudge.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bill Maher

I have two questions about Arnold Schwarzenegger. What does he know, and when will he know it?

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Maher

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Maher

So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bill Maher

I'm worried about a permanent Republican majority. That's what I'm worried about for the future.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Bill Maher

What does it take for Republicans to take off the flag pin and say, 'I am just too embarrassed to be on this team'?