Best 78 of Eugene Mirman quotes - MyQuotes

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Eugene Mirman
By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on yours. Ask a Misdirection Question--something too difficult to answer quickly--e.g., 'What's Congress up to?' or 'You ever learn any cool science?' When you ask the question, don't make eye contact, keep moving and get out of there. Do not wait for a response and deny ever asking it. Repeat these actions until you are never again spoken to by that individual (about four times).

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

There's something therapeutic about connecting with an audience - when there's something really sort of odd or silly that you think is funny, and conveying it to an audience.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles... because I didn't know.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It's just deciding that you're qualified because once you decide you're qualified, everything else becomes very easy.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Marriage is not something you should do just because you want to have a stable life, it's something you should do because you've run out of options.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job. (You're totally welcome, guys. P.S. Girls can't see this sentence!!!!!)

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I'm fascinated by the logic that leads to something.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It's not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

On a quick side note, I would argue that--much like Samuel L. Jackson--I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people started doing comedy again in alternative spaces.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

There was one woman who had a giant sign and on it, it just said, 'America Is Better Than Abortion.' I think she meant that America was too good a place for the horror of abortion. But instead, it sounded like she had weighed both - the American spirit and getting an abortion and decided that American spirit better. I think it is a bad idea to have grammatically ambiguous protest signs.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Over the years I've received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo--though those people may also have real problems.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say "nihilism?" You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?