Best 78 of Eugene Mirman quotes - MyQuotes

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Eugene Mirman
By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I'm fascinated by the logic that leads to something.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say "nihilism?" You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Over the years I've received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo--though those people may also have real problems.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

There's something therapeutic about connecting with an audience - when there's something really sort of odd or silly that you think is funny, and conveying it to an audience.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

One of the things that's funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go 'Oh, you're great, but I don't know what to do with you.' The great thing about the Internet is that nobody has to figure out what to do with you. You can figure out what to do with you, and you can say, 'I made this thing, and I'm going to put it out, and now if people want to come see me and buy things from me they can.'

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It's just deciding that you're qualified because once you decide you're qualified, everything else becomes very easy.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It's not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

It's important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it's my job, right before I leave, to go, "Don't forget: You're going through a divorce and there's a recession." It's always good to end on a pensive note.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Eugene Mirman

If you're at a party with more than five people named Chad, get the fuck out right away.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Marriage is not something you should do just because you want to have a stable life, it's something you should do because you've run out of options.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Eugene Mirman

The other thing you can do is write a strong personal essay which lets admissions people inside your life, your heart, and your world. ... Anyway, it can be hard to figure out what to write about, so here are a few suggestions: ... 5. Reasons it's wrong to be racist even though it makes sense to you.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles... because I didn't know.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Eugene Mirman

A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job. (You're totally welcome, guys. P.S. Girls can't see this sentence!!!!!)

By Anonym 15 Sep

Eugene Mirman

There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.