Best 345 of David Sedaris quotes - MyQuotes

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David Sedaris
By Anonym 13 Sep

David Sedaris

At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would write in that typeface.

By Anonym 13 Sep

David Sedaris

All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.

By Anonym 13 Sep

David Sedaris

Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it.

By Anonym 15 Sep

David Sedaris

There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.

By Anonym 15 Sep

David Sedaris

“This is hurting me a lot more than it’s hurting you,” he said. It was his standard line, but I knew that this time he was right. Worse than the boil was the stuff that came out of it. What got to me, and got to him even worse, was the stench, which was unbearable, and unlike anything I had come across before. It was, I thought, what evil must smell like - not an evil person but the wicked ideas that have made him that way. How could a person continue to live with something so rotten inside? And so much of it!

By Anonym 13 Sep

David Sedaris

He looked as though his life had not only passed him by but paused along the way to spit in his face.

By Anonym 15 Sep

David Sedaris

What I really hated, of course, was my mind. There must have been an off switch somewhere, but I was damned if I could find it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

David Sedaris

If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you scream, or would you innately understand that he meant you no harm?

By Anonym 17 Sep

David Sedaris

March 30, 1998 Because I was in a bind with my BBC story, I devoted most of my day to defrosting the freezer.

By Anonym 13 Sep

David Sedaris

Actually I liked that 'Let the Right One In,' that Swedish vampire movie.

By Anonym 13 Sep

David Sedaris

I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed.

By Anonym 14 Sep

David Sedaris

Often I'd take out my magnifying glass and stare into the chaos that was her face.

By Anonym 19 Sep

David Sedaris

What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis? I'll tell myself that a sandwich is masculine because if left alone for a week or two, it will eventually grow a beard.

By Anonym 13 Sep

David Sedaris

In order to get the things I want, it helps me to pretend I’m a figure in a daytime drama, a schemer. Soap opera characters make emphatic pronouncements. They ball up their fists and state their goals out loud. ‘I will destroy Buchanan Enterprises,’ they say. ‘Phoebe Wallingford will pay for what she’s done to our family.’ Walking home with the back half of the twelve-foot ladder, I turned to look in the direction of Hugh’s loft. ‘You will be mine,’ I commanded.

By Anonym 13 Sep

David Sedaris

I rejected the word humorist for a long time because I thought that it meant you had, like, a cardigan sweater with patches on the elbows, but now I'm old and I do. I grew into that word. I think at heart, all this time, I've been a diarist. I'm not ashamed of it.

By Anonym 15 Sep

David Sedaris

You meet people who say, "Oh, I'd like to do such-and-such, but I don't have the time." But it always seemed to me like you make the time. And if you have a wife or a job, if you have kids or whatever, you find a way. If you really want to do it, you make the time.

By Anonym 13 Sep

David Sedaris

Hugh returned from his trip, and days later I still sounded like a Red Chinese asking questions about the democratic hinterlands. "And you actually saw people smoking in restaurants? Really! And offices, too? Oh, tell me again about the ashtrays in the hospital waiting room, and don't leave anything out.

By Anonym 15 Sep

David Sedaris

The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.

By Anonym 13 Sep

David Sedaris

I started writing when I was twenty. My first book came out when I was thirty-five. But I never expected that it would happen quickly.

By Anonym 14 Sep

David Sedaris

The difference between writing where you know where to draw the line and writing where you're being way too mean is whether you can tell that the writer is not talking to family or friends anymore. Generally, if you say something bad about somebody on stage, you need to say two bad things about yourself. A lot of times, I think I'm the worst person in the room.

By Anonym 14 Sep

David Sedaris

I've maintained old friendships, like with people I knew in the nineteen-seventies, but have lost the knack for meeting new people. This has a lot to do with my writing schedule. I don't want to be disturbed, and the willingness to be disturbed is, I think, part of being a good friend.

By Anonym 15 Sep

David Sedaris

You know, when you need drugs and you don't have a lot of money, what you'll do is you'll hang out with people who will give you drugs. Right?

By Anonym 15 Sep

David Sedaris

You really burden the reader if you put things in but, "Oh, it's not interesting, but I'll put it in anyway." Then the reader's going to think, like, "Mmm... no thanks." So the thing is to cut all that stuff out before its published.

By Anonym 20 Sep

David Sedaris

When a hurricane damaged my father's house, my brother rushed over with a gas grill, three coolers of beer, and an enormous Fuck-It Bucket - a plastic pail filled with jawbreakers and bite-size candy bars. ("When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it,' and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.")

By Anonym 16 Sep

David Sedaris

I later learn that what I suffered was called blunt force trauma. It's remarkably similar to how I felt after the election, as if I'd been slammed into a wall or hit by a car. Both pains persist-show no signs, in fact, of ever going away. The damage is permanent. I will never be the same as I was before the accident/election.

By Anonym 14 Sep

David Sedaris

I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at their wasted empty lives.

By Anonym 13 Sep

David Sedaris

I hoped our lives would continue this way forever, but inevitably the past came knocking. Not the good kind that was collectible but the bad kind that had arthritis.

By Anonym 13 Sep

David Sedaris

... [I] recall thinking that the computer would never advance much further than this. Call me naïve, but I seemed to have underestimated the universal desire to sit in a hard plastic chair and stare at a screen until your eyes cross.

By Anonym 14 Sep

David Sedaris

Perhaps the little Negro girl was holding a concealed razor blade. Maybe she was one of the troublemakers out for a fresh white scalp.

By Anonym 15 Sep

David Sedaris

Up close the city constitutes an oppressive series of staircases, but from a distance it inspires fantasies of wealth and power so profound that even our communists are temporarily rendered speechless.

By Anonym 14 Sep

David Sedaris

It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.

By Anonym 13 Sep

David Sedaris

Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive.

By Anonym 14 Sep

David Sedaris

Most people would have found it grotesque, but when you're in love nothing is so abstract or horrible that it can't be thought of as cute.

By Anonym 14 Sep

David Sedaris

I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone.

By Anonym 13 Sep

David Sedaris

I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

By Anonym 17 Sep

David Sedaris

My only comfort was the knowledge that I was not alone. Huddled in the hallways and making the most of our pathetic French, my fellow students and I engaged in the sort of conversation commonly overheard in refugee camps. "Sometime me cry alone at night." "That be common for I, also, but be more strong, you. Much work and someday you talk pretty. People start love you soon. Maybe tomorrow, okay.

By Anonym 13 Sep

David Sedaris

At the morgue, people were so desensitized that they would eat lunch in the glass walled room adjacent to the autopsy room. A viewing room. Because it had the best air conditioning in the building. So they would eat in there and maybe somebody would come in who had been found after being dead for three days and they would say: That is the exact purple I want for those drapes in the study. They didn't miss a beat. They could eat through anything.

By Anonym 19 Sep

David Sedaris

There was my life before I told a strange woman in a negligee that I was a homosexual, and now there would be my life after, two chapters so dissimilar in style and content that they might have been written by different people.

By Anonym 13 Sep

David Sedaris

It can take years. With the first draft, I just write everything. With the second draft, it becomes so depressing for me, because I realize that I was fooled into thinking I'd written the story. I hadn't-I had just typed for a long time. So then I have to carve out a story from the 25 or so pages. It's in there somewhere-but I have to find it. I'll then write a third, fourth, and fifth draft, and so on.

By Anonym 13 Sep

David Sedaris

I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.

By Anonym 14 Sep

David Sedaris

It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?'

By Anonym 15 Sep

David Sedaris

There’s a lot I don’t tell my father when he calls asking after Amy. He wouldn’t understand that she has no interest in getting married and was, in fact, quite happy to break up with her live-in boyfriend, whom she replaced with an imaginary boyfriend named Ricky. The last time she was asked out by a successful bachelor, Amy hesitated before saying, ‘Thanks for asking, but I’m really not into white guys right now.

By Anonym 14 Sep

David Sedaris

Now, I like a church service, but this was one of those write-your-own-vows sorts of things. Neither of them had ever picked up a pen in their life, but all of a sudden they’re poets, right, like that’s all it takes — being in love.

By Anonym 15 Sep

David Sedaris

We're not unique in our family. We're more ambitious but we're not special. I'm not funnier than anyone else in my family; it's just that we wanted more than Raleigh, North Carolina, had to offer. If my brother wanted more than Raleigh had to offer, you would know his name. My sister Lisa has a really unique and different voice, but she doesn't want that. She's a fine writer, but never said, "I want a book. I want that kind of attention.

By Anonym 14 Sep

David Sedaris

Most movies, I forget about them while I'm watching them. I go every single day. But I've never thought about participating in any way. It's like being at home all day. It was never a goal to me.

By Anonym 17 Sep

David Sedaris

Nobody likes having a problem, but having a convoluted, bureaucratic one is even more galling.

By Anonym 13 Sep

David Sedaris

Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at." When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think.

By Anonym 14 Sep

David Sedaris

Right, I breast feed baby camels in my backyard just for the freaking fun of it. Just tell me where you live, Pinocchio, and save the baloney for lunch.

By Anonym 15 Sep

David Sedaris

Whenever I write about my family, I start by getting my parent`s approval. I like to think I write about them with obvious affection. When it comes to the people I'm related to, I consider myself to be very lucky.

By Anonym 14 Sep

David Sedaris

Performance is really an important part of how I edit. I sometimes take something out because I realize I put in a joke just to be funny and the audience laughed, but I should be ashamed of myself. I sometimes take out sentences, which are perfectly fine on paper, just because they don't flow when I say them out loud. I always read my work out loud now.