Best 3 665 of Humorous quotes - MyQuotes

By Anonym 16 Sep

Pawan Mishra

I may just be on the outskirts of being OK.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Camilla Isley

Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?” “Gentleman may still wear them, but I’m afraid the problem is that there aren’t many left.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Charles Dickens

On summer evenings, when every flower, and tree, and bird, might have better addressed my soft young heart, I have in my day been caught in the palm of a female hand by the crown, have been violently scrubbed from the neck to the roots of the hair as a purification for the Temple, and have then been carried off highly charged with saponaceous electricity, to be steamed like a potato in the unventilated breath of the powerful Boanerges Boiler and his congregation, until what small mind I had, was quite steamed out of me

By Anonym 17 Sep

Tracey Kidder

Join us B+ people! Life is not neat and tidy, but we always manage to get the job done!

By Anonym 16 Sep

Aliaha Brown

I'm not Weird I'm Limited Edition!

By Anonym 19 Sep

Erin Mitchell

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Tera Lynn Childs

I might not have superpowers, but I know how to knee a guy in the nuts.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Abigail Strom

But it's safe to say that if your period panties not being on display is the best that can be said about a situation, the situation pretty much sucks.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Edward Bulwer-lytton

We may observe in humorous authors that the faults they chiefly ridicule have often a likeness in themselves. Cervantes had much of the knight-errant in him; Sir George Etherege was unconsciously the Fopling Flutter of his own satire; Goldsmith was the same hero to chambermaids, and coward to ladies that he has immortalized in his charming comedy; and the antiquarian frivolities of Jonathan Oldbuck had their resemblance in Jonathan Oldbuck's creator.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jay Leno

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jean-jacques Rousseau

People who know little are usually great talkers, while men who know much say little.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Lailah Gifty Akita

Not everything that is seen is visible.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Kirby Lee Davis

Confused, fearful, starving, the last thing she’d needed was a good stout blow to the head.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Lailah Gifty Akita

Whatever lies in the soul, can never be stolen.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Tyler Barton

We skipped right over Walmart on the ladder down.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Christopher Moore

Fuckstockings!

By Anonym 20 Sep

Erica Larsen

Yet sometimes you just have to sprinkle a dash of sugar on the spoonful of pride and swallow it with a humility chaser.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Maurissa Guibord

You know your life is completely screwed up when you have to look up the mythological figures who talk to you in the bathroom mirror.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Karl Kristian Flores

I hate it when people say 'follow your heart.' That is not a morally sufficient reason for stalking.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Edgar Cantero

Kerri stopped to wonder how the information continued to flow past someone called "Deaf Anne" while Nate took over.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Charles Dickens

There is no such passion in human nature, as the passion for gravy among commercial gentlemen.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Richard Kadrey

It's more like how some people can't help but bring out the not necessarily righteous parts of your personality. Like how you meet someone and instantly know they're a full-time professional victim, and no matter how hard you try, something takes over and you can't help needling them.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Donna Warner

Arms wrapped around [Darcy's] abdomen from the back. Fingers felt for the spot above his navel. Two fists pushed in and upward. Darcy felt a violent squeezing sensation. The offending prawn shot out of his gullet, flew across the table, and knocked Tate's wine glass over...Tate looked down at the partially chewed shrimp in disgust and covered it with his napkin.

By Anonym 15 Sep

John C. Stipa

David: “How the hell did you get dressed so fast?” Renee: “How do you know I didn’t streak naked through the lobby and had clothes waiting for me in the car?” David: “Heh. Good thing the archaeological paparazzi didn’t have a team on duty.” Renee: “I’d have taken ’em out. My whole body is a weapon.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Alice James

I wonder whether if I had an education I should have been more or less a fool that I am.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Bobby Charlton

The eccentric passion of Shankly was underlined for me by my England team-mate Roger Hunt's version of the classic tale of the Liverpool manager's pre-game talk before playing Manchester United. The story has probably been told a thousand times in and out of football, and each time you hear it there are different details, but when Roger told it the occasion was still fresh in his mind and I've always believed it to be the definitive account. It was later on the same day, as Roger and I travelled together to report for England duty, after we had played our bruising match at Anfield. Ian St John had scored the winner, then squared up to Denis Law, with Nobby finally sealing the mood of the afternoon by giving the Kop the 'V' sign. After settling down in our railway carriage, Roger said, 'You may have lost today, but you would have been pleased with yourself before the game. Shanks mentioned you in the team talk. When he says anything positive about the opposition, normally he never singles out players.' According to Roger, Shankly burst into the dressing room in his usual aggressive style and said, 'We're playing Manchester United this afternoon, and really it's an insult that we have to let them on to our field because we are superior to them in every department, but they are in the league so I suppose we have to play them. In goal Dunne is hopeless- he never knows where he is going. At right back Brennan is a straw- any wind will blow him over. Foulkes the centre half kicks the ball anywhere. On the left Tony Dunne is fast but he only has one foot. Crerand couldn't beat a tortoise. It's true David Herd has got a fantastic shot, but if Ronnie Yeats can point him in the right direction he's likely to score for us. So there you are, Manchester United, useless...' Apparently it was at this point the Liverpool winger Ian Callaghan, who was never known to whisper a single word on such occasions, asked, 'What about Best, Law and Charlton, boss?' Shankly paused, narrowed his eyes, and said, 'What are you saying to me, Callaghan? I hope you're not saying we cannot play three men.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Bill Murray

You gotta want it.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Ana Claudia Antunes

A balanced dieT to make you die with a tea, consists of holding two bags of cookies on each hand and a voracious hunger to consume.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Melissa A. Craven

Where's the guy who gave me Twinkies and Coke?

By Anonym 15 Sep

Comic Strip Mama

Common sense is a tool that isn't in everyone's shed.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Rachel Caine

I'm going to have to give him shit for all this,' Shane said, as he wandered around. 'He lives alone and makes his bed? Who does that?' 'People who like things neat?' 'Its not natural.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Jill Hathaway

You're about as delicate as an AK-47.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages "Unsuccessful Town Slogans" Sequim (WA)- "We put the Dung in Dungeness.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Nick Trout

...hoping that he might peek through a gap in the fance and see that Patch was really a big softy, all bark and no bite, or, as they sometimes say in England, "All mouth and no trousers"!

By Anonym 13 Sep

Arthur Conan Doyle

Exactly. She does not shine as a wife even in her own account of what occurred. I am not a whole-souled admirer of womankind, as you are aware, Watson, but my experience of life has taught me that there are few wives having any regard for their husbands who would let any man's spoken word stand between them and that husband's dead body. Should I ever marry, Watson, I should hope to inspire my wife with some feeling which would prevent her from being walked off by a housekeeper when my corpse was lying within a few yards of her.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Heather Thurmeier

He licked up to her ear and whispered, “You taste like summer. Did I ever mention, summer is my favorite season?

By Anonym 15 Sep

Agatha Christie

A man who has shot lions in large quantities has an unfair advantage over other men.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

A seemingly simple task like taking a bath or wearing a condom feels like multitasking to someone who suffers from hemiplegia or has only one hand.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Shannon Hale

But Princess Magnolia wore glass slippers on weekdays. Princess Magnolia was afraid of snails. Sunlight made Princess Magnolia sneeze. And at the moment, the Princess in Black was hog-tying a monster.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Robert Benchley

If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Denise Mansfield Bradberry

Consistently sporadic and sporadically consistent. That's me.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Richard Dawkins

It is a tedious cliché (and, unlike many clichés, it isn't even true) that science concerns itself with how questions, but only theology is equipped to answer why questions. What on Earth is a why question? Not every English sentence beginning with the word 'why' is a legitimate question. Why are unicorns hollow? Some questions simply do not deserve an answer. What is the colour of abstraction? What is the smell of hope? The fact that a question can be phrased in a grammatically correct English sentence doesn't make it meaningful, or entitle it to our serious attention. Nor, even if the question is a real one, does the fact that science cannot answer it imply that religion can.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dave Barry

Shawn's (Shawn Weatherly - former beauty queen) acting ability is such that she could not convey the concept of falling if your pushed her off a cliff.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Abhishek Shukla

MISUNDERSTANDING" arises only when you see the things with Closed Eyes

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bob Hope

English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dolly Parton

I love bald men. Just because you've lost your fuzz don't mean you ain't a peach.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Jane Austen

To exemplify, -a beautiful glossy nut, which, blessed with original strength, has outlived all the storms of autumn. Not a puncture, not a weak spot any where. -This nut... while so many of its brethren have fallen and been trodden under foot, is still in possession of all the happiness that a hazel-nut can be supposed capable of.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Carol Cassella

Raney flipped the book over and looked at the jacket cover, realized it was one of the books Bo had left at her house the first summer he'd been in Quentin--one of the few he hadn't read. "It's a novel, Grandpa. ENDER'S GAME by a man named Card. Orson Card," and she continued reading through the first page until he interrupted her again. "I just got out of the hospital--I don't want to hear a story about people having operations." "Well, what DO you want? LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE? "At least I'd learn something useful.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Charles Dickens

If you could see my legs when I take my boots off, you'd form some idea of what unrequited affection is.