Best 3 665 of Humorous quotes - MyQuotes

By Anonym 13 Sep

Shelley Winters

I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dorothy Parker

There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine: This living, this living, this living, Was never a project of mine. Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is The gain of the one at the top, For art is a form of catharsis, And love is a permanent flop, And work is the province of cattle, And rest's for a clam in a shell, So I'm thinking of throwing the battle - Would you kindly direct me to hell?

By Anonym 17 Sep

Kami Garcia

Lena was going down the list of John's attributes in her mind, a list I was hoping wasn't too long. "He could see and hear and smell things I couldn't." Link inhaled deeply, then coughed. "Dude, you really need a shower.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Robert Orben

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Azaaa Davis

For the love of all things seasoned, it’s Na-di-ra! Nadira!

By Anonym 16 Sep

Robin Alexander

...I think I saw something orange pass beneath a streetlight. That means she turned the corner on Pecan Street. Wait right here, and I’ll get my car.” Stella grabbed Mona’s arm. “There’s no time. Follow me and keep your mouth shut.” Instead of going to the street, Stella crept through a yard. “This is crazy, I can’t see a thing. Stella, we could break a leg.” “I told you to be quiet. I know these yards as well as I know my own. Stay behind me.” She led Mona behind a large azalea bush close to the sidewalk. They hid there as Rusty approached, and she was almost on top of them when Mona sneezed. Rusty stopped, put her hands on her hips, and said, “I know you’re in there.” Neither Stella nor Mona made a peep. “I think I understand why you feel the need to watch me. I’m new around here, so let me introduce myself. My name is Rusty Martinez. I’m a businesswoman, and I have no intention of breaking into anyone’s home. I’m simply out for exercise, so you have nothing to worry about.” “Okay, well, you have a nice night,” Mona said cheerily. Rusty recoiled at the response. “Um…you too,” she said quickly and jogged away. Stella groaned. “Your mother obviously didn’t teach you how to properly conduct a mission, did she?” “If you mean how to hide in a bush, then no.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Zack De La Rocha

If ignorance is bliss, then knock the smile off my face...

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they also like to eat snails.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Naomi Campbell

I don't mind flying. I always pass out before the plane leaves the ground.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Wernher Von Braun

Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Fakeer Ishavardas

We are all copy cats. The only original 'thing' is God, And "him", hell, most of us know as little as we know cats.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Robert Fulghum

Until you have experienced raccoons mating underneath your bedroom at three in the morning, you have missed one of life's sensational moments.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Groucho Marx

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

I'm not saying that women don't think about sex also. I'm saying that women are capable, for at least brief periods of time, of not thinking about sex, and that most guys are not.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Julia Kent

People who think animals have expressionless faces are like people who can ignore an open package of Oreos. Not quite human.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Matshona Dhliwayo

If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Melissa A. Craven

You do remember how dangerous I am with those?” “Aye, that’s the point. Everyone will duck and cover if they see you wielding these.” “Even my teammates?” “Especially your teammates.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

You are more likely to find three TVs inside a randomly selected house than you are to find a single book that is or was not read to pass an exam, to please God, or to be a better cook.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Anna Lefler

Teeny, it’ll never be a fair fight with Harry. You’re his Cadillac Ranch…but he’s your Chernobyl.” ~ Ruthie

By Anonym 15 Sep

Sandhya Jane

Aging gracefully - A concept that is rejected in 40s, but gracefully accepted in 50s...

By Anonym 13 Sep

Woody Allen

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Les Lynam

Prestidigitation? You've got to be joking. No one says that.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Sarah Maclean

That brow arched once more. "Does it? You think people will believe it when the truth is that I ruined you on an abandoned estate before your father stormed the house with a rifle?" She hesitated. "I would not call it storming." "He fired several rounds at my house. If that isn't storming, I don't know what is.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Dave Barry

In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Matshona Dhliwayo

Nice guys finish last but bad guys don't finish at all.

By Anonym 13 Sep

William J. Clinton

I am committed to curbing the influence of money in our political system.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Louisa Edwards

So the world was nuts and he'd suddenly discovered a kink for geeks. There were worse things.

By Anonym 15 Sep

George Carlin

When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Mikes

Bad English was the second language of Israel and bad Hebrew, of course, remained the national language.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Rick Riordan

You are not going to loot a candy shop in the middle of a war!

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jean Kerr

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Paul Merton

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

By Anonym 13 Sep

Josh Billings

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Benjamin Franklin

Many complain of their memory, few of their judgment.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Larry Gent

When men cry, real men, we cry Man Tears. Those are tears made up of actual meat. We basically cry pork chops and steaks. Imagine a steak tearing its way out of your eye. It hurts like hell, which causes more tears. It's a vicious cycle

By Anonym 16 Sep

Pierce Brown

I nurse the small fish on my plate. Cassius is already finished with his, always a man of appetites. I'm more practiced than he in the art of self-deprivation at the dinner table, doesn't feel so long ago that I was a knobby-kneed boy sitting at my grandmother's dinner table when she turned her long neck to me and peered down that Peregrine nose, and in a kindly manner, inquired if I intend to sleep out in the gutter instead of in my bed chamber, because by virtue of the fact that I'd eaten three whole tarts, I'd clearly abdicated being a man in favor of being a little pig.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Fred Couples

I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Jayesh Varma

To all the ladies: " I don't like to be in ladies who judges you by every joke you made, sometimes I do good sometimes bad, don't laugh for me laugh for yourself if you really got it.; Otherwise I'm pretty happy with my own version. ;)

By Anonym 19 Sep

Arthur D Bardswell

We may be pilgrims passing through this world, but let's not be grim-pills in the process!

By Anonym 19 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We sometimes try to impress people we just met by not trying to impress them.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Charles Spurgeon

There is hardship in everything except eating pancakes.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Oscar Wilde

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lisa Lutz

But Vivien wasn't being given the chance to sow her wild oats. Speaking from a point of authority, it's best to get that shit out of the way when you are young.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Sonya Hartnett

I fail to see how turning the subject over like compost can do anything except raise its stink.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George S. Kaufman

I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Charles Dickens

For your popular rumour, unlike the rolling stone of the proverb, is one which gathers a deal of moss in its wanderings up and down.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Finding out that you are not your lover’s only lover hurts, but not as much as discovering that you are the side chick … or the side dick.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "Valentine's Day" Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

By Anonym 13 Sep

William Shakespeare

But it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in the most humorous sadness.