Best 3 665 of Humorous quotes - MyQuotes

By Anonym 19 Sep

Douglas Adams

There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Spuds Crawford

Science and discovery, especially in the field of non-abnormal pediatric mysteries, is built on the work of those who have been sneezed on before us. Causation and rationale may someday be reached, but until then it is the heartwarming and parental nature of the journey that drives us on; well, that and a fresh box of Kleenex.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Terry Pratchett

shoot the dictator and prevent the war ? But the dictator is merely the tip of the whole festering boil of social pus from which dictators emerge;shoot one, and ther'll be another one along in a minute. Shoot him too? why not shoot everyone and invade Poland? In fifty years', thirty years', ten years' time the world will be very nearly back on its old course. History always has a great weight of inertia.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Nicole Christie

Damn it, I should be the only one allowed to drool over him. I found him first! Or something not as stupid.

By Anonym 15 Sep

George Carlin

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Z. A. Maxfield

This is like teaching queer remedial at the continuation high school. You were fishing, and you caught me. Don't you get that?" "Oh, hell no." Tristan just stared.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Mary Hubbert Jones

I've known him since dirt was new, Papaw laughed. We go way back... Dawg Papaw, that's a long time! Mark exclaimed.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Thornton Wilder

Money is like manure; it's not worth a thing unless it's spread around encouraging young things to grow.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Al Mcguire

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Mark W. Boyer

There is nothing more stimulating to the senses than that of a female body freshly emerged from a steaming hot shower, bathed in oils and feminine scents... well nothing except maybe a freshly opened package of chocolate double-stuffed Oreos.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bill Cosby

After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Adlai Stevenson

In America any boy may become President, and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Planes

You're the guy who tried to get my cab. I knew I knew you! You scared the bejesus out of me. Come to think of it it was easy to get a cab during rush hour? I am sorry. I had no idea it was your cab. Let me make it up to you. How about a nice hot dog and a beer. Just a hot dog then. Some coffee? Milk? Soda? Tea? LifeSavers? Slurpee? Just let me know. I'm here. I knew I knew ya!

By Anonym 15 Sep

Terry Pratchett

As has been pointed out earlier in the Diskworld chronicles, entire agricultural economies have been based on the lifting power of little old ladies in black dresses

By Anonym 14 Sep

David Lehman

The best song lyrics seem to me so artful, so brilliant, so warm and humorous, with both passion and wit, that my admiration is matched only by my envy.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Chase Webster

The Pepto?” I asked. “The Pepto,” he sighed and read the label. “Yes, the Pepto. This, yes. The candies. They’re in here. I found them, yes. I found them here. You. You were sleeping. I found these. They’re yours, yes? I want them. If I can have them. These. These Pepto. Oh… yes. If I can have them I’d be grateful, yes… I’d follow you. I’d follow you now until the day you die. From now until then, yes. I’d follow you and I would be your one true compatriot. The Don Quixote to your Sancho Panza, the Batman to your Robin, the Huckleberry Finn to your Nigger Jim. Yours. You. And… hm… yes. From then on I’d do what you ask of me. As your one true ally to do what you need. I’d be the best friend you have. Best. All I ask for, to be yours until forever, is that you bestow upon me these delightful morsels I have found of yours for my consumptive pleasure.” “Yes,” I said, not thinking twice. “Take it. Eat’em.” “Eat’em, great,” he said. “Yes. A strange name, but I like it. That’s what you will call me then. Eat’em. Thank you for this.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Tom Stoppard

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mae West

Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Pamela Anderson

For those who believe in the quote, Laughter is the best medicine and are looking for a divorce quote on the lighter side, the following divorce sayings range from mildly humorous to outrageously funny: Men are just like a book - with a beginning, middle and an end.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Charles Dickens

I'm pretty well. So's the family, and so's the boys, except for a sort of rash as is a running through the school, and rather puts 'em off their feed. But it's a ill wind as blows no good to nobody; that's what I always say when them lads has a wisitation. A wisitation, sir, is the lot of mortality. Mortality itself, sir, is a wisitation. The world is chock full of wisitations; and if a boy repines at a wisitation and makes you uncomfortable with his noise, he must have his head punched. That's going according to the Scripter, that is.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bob Hope

It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead.

By Anonym 17 Sep

John Henry Newman

Mr Kingsley begins then by exclaiming- 'O the chicanery, the wholesale fraud, the vile hypocrisy, the conscience-killing tyranny of Rome! We have not far to seek for an evidence of it. There's Father Newman to wit: one living specimen is worth a hundred dead ones. He, a Priest writing of Priests, tells us that lying is never any harm.' I interpose: 'You are taking a most extraordinary liberty with my name. If I have said this, tell me when and where.' Mr Kingsley replies: 'You said it, Reverend Sir, in a Sermon which you preached, when a Protestant, as Vicar of St Mary's, and published in 1844; and I could read you a very salutary lecture on the effects which that Sermon had at the time on my own opinion of you.' I make answer: 'Oh...NOT, it seems, as a Priest speaking of Priests-but let us have the passage.' Mr Kingsley relaxes: 'Do you know, I like your TONE. From your TONE I rejoice, greatly rejoice, to be able to believe that you did not mean what you said.' I rejoin: 'MEAN it! I maintain I never SAID it, whether as a Protestant or as a Catholic.' Mr Kingsley replies: 'I waive that point.' I object: 'Is it possible! What? waive the main question! I either said it or I didn't. You have made a monstrous charge against me; direct, distinct, public. You are bound to prove it as directly, as distinctly, as publicly-or to own you can't.' 'Well,' says Mr Kingsley, 'if you are quite sure you did not say it, I'll take your word for it; I really will.' My WORD! I am dumb. Somehow I thought that it was my WORD that happened to be on trial. The WORD of a Professor of lying, that he does not lie! But Mr Kingsley reassures me: 'We are both gentlemen,' he says: 'I have done as much as one English gentleman can expect from another.' I begin to see: he thought me a gentleman at the very time he said I taught lying on system...

By Anonym 18 Sep

Tbreeze Madi

She told me that she can't be my girlfriend but we can be friends. She a girl and my friend, obviously that means she's my girlfriend.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Gitty Daneshvari

Mummy can we keep him?" Madeleine asked with the wide eyes of a burgeoning crush. "Darling, little boys make terrible pets," Mrs. Masterson offered with a wink. "That's not true at all, Mummy. They're hypoallergenic, much easier than dogs," Madeleine said cheekily, "and they almost never have fleas.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Irving Kristol

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Charles Dickens

The Secretary, working in the Dismal Swamp betimes next morning, was informed that a youth waited in the hall who gave the name of Sloppy. The footman who communicated this intelligence made a decent pause before uttering the name, to express that it was forced on his reluctance by the youth in question, and that if the youth had had the good sense and good taste to inherit some other name it would have spared the feelings of him the bearer.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mary Roberts Rinehart

Men love a joke - on the other fellow. But your really humorous woman loves a joke on herself.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Chris Hansen

On the topic of winning, and the lottery: You can't lose if you don't play, therefore not losing , is winning!

By Anonym 14 Sep

Robin Williams

Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] "Check the diapers. They're full.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Marita A. Hansen

You think everyone pervs you."... "That's cos they do, and you're just jealous, cos I'm gorgeous and you're not." ~ conversation between Dante &Ash

By Anonym 18 Sep

Michael Chabon

The baby, not too young to start knowing the ledge, the cold truth, the life-and-death facts of it all. 'What kind of heaven is that, you can't have your records?' The baby, understanding perhaps it was purely rhetorical, made no attempt to answer this question.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Matthew Heines

Special Post-Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Eating Crow" This year, it just tastes like Seahawk.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Brian Spellman

First, let me finish. Then interrupt.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Neeraj Agnihotri

I have noticed that the majority of people procrastinate. In fact, it’s way more common than the common cold itself.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't make things up. We just distill it to, hopefully, its most humorous nugget. And in that sense it seems faked and skewed just because we don't have to be subjective or pretend to be objective. We can just put it out there.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Megan Abbott

I think there are two prevailing views of the suburbs in the States: either they're this sort of tedious place, where everyone is the same, buys the same food and drives around in their little minivans, or the view is that the suburbs are extremely perverse in a humorous way.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Nuno Roque

For me, every week is a fashion week.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Annonymous

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Addison C. Arthur

Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.

By Anonym 15 Sep

John Cleese

We all operate in two contrasting modes, which might be called open and closed. The open mode is more relaxed, more receptive, more exploratory, more democratic, more playful and more humorous. The closed mode is the tighter, more rigid, more hierarchical, more tunnel-visioned. Most people, unfortunately spend most of their time in the closed mode.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Abhishek Shukla

When you are stressed and challenged by hardships just smile through it as frowning won’t help in changing the situation

By Anonym 14 Sep

Matt Chandler

Many of the things that stifle growth are morally neutral. They're not bad things. Facebook is not bad. Television and movies are not bad. I enjoy TV, but it doesn't take long for me to begin to find humorous on TV what the Lord finds heartbreaking.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Elizabeth Jane Howard

Why do they call them daytime dramas, anyway? Shouldn't they be bedtime dramas? All anyone ever talks about is getting someone into bed! Plus if you're at home watching, you're probably watching in bed. And if you're like me, after an hour or two of watching all those sexy goings-on you forget the silly story entirely and fall asleep. Just like it's bedtime!

By Anonym 15 Sep

William J. Clinton

The most ethical administration in the history of the Republic.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Isaac Asimov

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Anne Bishop

Nathan said nothing for a moment. Then, "There’s nothing in my fur, is there?" Simon gave the other Wolf a careful look. “No boogers.”    "Good. I hate washing boogers out of fur." “Who doesn’t? What comes out of human noses is disgusting...

By Anonym 20 Sep

Najeev Raj Nadarajah

Why do I write? Because I like telling stories and I don't like repeating myself (insert chuckle here).

By Anonym 13 Sep

Les Aspin

If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it.