Best 3 665 of Humorous quotes - MyQuotes

By Anonym 16 Sep

Anna Banks

I seem to have forgotten my towel," she said, feeling heat everywhere. I'm a fool. He stepped forward, meeting her gaze. "I seem to have forgotten my name," he said, licking his lips. "Maybe we could both get in the shower and you could scream it for me.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Dennis Liggio

Oh, y'know, magic stuff is full of weird vibrations!" said Dane. "Makes your palm sweat, gives you that pins and needles sensation when you hold it! Maybe something running up your arm." He paused. "Something that isn't a spider or a bug. Something running up your arm that's an invisible sensation. But not an invisible spider. Like an invisible feeling that's pins and needly. Maybe more needles than pins." "Are you sure that's not a heart attack?" said Jaya.

By Anonym 14 Sep

George Carlin

Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!

By Anonym 18 Sep

Larry Mcmurtry

The level of civilization in Texas definitely wasn't very high if the old man was an example of it.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Ash Gray

But what do you care about Qorlec?” went on Dr. Zorgone. “I heard you escaped Alsa Sif V, and immediately upon your departure,” he frowned, “you set coordinates for Earth?” He laughed softly, nastily, and Quinn felt anger shiver through her to see the twinkling mockery in his eyes. “What would your people think to know that, I wonder?” continued Dr. Zorgone, tilting his head. “The first place you ran to wasn’t Qorlec, wasn’t the ancient home of your ‘mighty’ ancestors, but the polluted shit-ball of ape people? The true home of the true empress is Earth.” His eyes danced over her, searching, hungry. “You speak Roknal and English fluently, but I bet you don’t know a damn lick of Aviye. The entirian princess isn’t even entirian --” “What do you want?” Quinn said abruptly. “What do I want?” repeated Dr. Zorgone, rolling his eyes to the starry sky. “Let’s see . . . What do I want? I always wanted an indoor pool.” Quinn’s lips tightened.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Lynsay Sands

No, my eldest brother. He was named after our father. Our parents died when the Romans first invaded, and Stephano then became the "head of the family". " She grimaced. "He and I are like oil and water. Or we were. We get along well enough now, though." She grinned. "But boy did he pitch a fit over the concubine thing. He even called in Uncle Lucian to deal with me." Harper's eyebrows rose. "I'm surprised Lucian bothered to intervene." ..."Yes, well..." Drina grimaced. "I'm afraid while I was een as a concubine, I was really playing puppet master with my lover and kind of ruling the country though him. At least until Uncle Lucian caught wind of it and came to give me hell.

By Anonym 15 Sep

William J. Clinton

We're not talking about a few rooms here with delicate personal matters involved.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Josh Billings

Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.

By Anonym 16 Sep

David Rider

Good luck getting staffed up during Ragnarök.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Kirk Kirkpatrick

If at first you don't succeed, take the tax loss.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Michael Ots

Some people react to suffering by denying the very possibility of God's existence

By Anonym 16 Sep

Robin Alexander

...Falon sucked hard on her straw and swallowed. “You haven’t mentioned a girlfriend or a wife.” “That’s because I don’t have one.” Haley touched the tip of her nose with her finger. “Whew, I’m feeling good. I should drink more often. My ex left me a year ago for someone else,” she admitted and giggled. “I’ve been surviving on a steady diet of hate and loathing.” Falon raised her cup. “Whatever works, right?” “Yeah, I guess,” Haley agreed with a shrug and a grin. “She always complained that I wouldn’t allow myself to be exciting. Look at me now, though, I’m stranded in another country with no money or passport, wearing shorts with sea turtles on them with no underwear. I’m drunk with someone I don’t know who could very well kill me in my sleep.” The empty cup dropped from her hand onto the floor as her head lolled back against the chair. “I’m fucking exciting now.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Li Ching-yuen

Retain a calm heart, sit like a turtle, walk swiftly like a pigeon, and sleep like a dog

By Anonym 20 Sep

Becky Lewellen Povich

You know, Becky, you haven't been the same since that crowbar fell on your head.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people ate less food less often when they each had a home than they now do as hobos.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Nadja Tolokonnikova

Der er noget galt med mig. Enten elsker jeg mit fædreland, eller også har jeg flyskræk.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Will Rogers

The Democrats are going to change the name of the Hoover Dam. That is the silliest thing I ever heard of in politics . . . Lord if they feel that way about it, I don't see why they don't just reverse the two words.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Michael Lewis

He shouted into the phone, “That is fuckin’ awesome. I mean fuckin’ awesome. I fuckin’ mean fucking awesome. You are one Big Swinging Dick, and don’t ever let anybody tell you different.” It brought tears to my eyes to hear it, to be called a Big Swinging Dick by the man who, years ago, had given birth to the distinction and in my mind had the greatest right to confer it upon me.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Ruby Wax

On the toilet no one is a star. Remember that and you will go far in life.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Sam Ewing

Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Robert Breault

If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mark Twain

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Narendra Modi

I have a humorous side but these days humour can be a risky thing.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "National Symbol" With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn't our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?

By Anonym 13 Sep

Winston Churchill

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Leah Rae Miller

Dude, you know I'm not getting paid for this shit, which is probably against the law. Child labor going on right here in the heartland of America! -Dan Garrett

By Anonym 20 Sep

Will Cuppy

You can't do much for the poor, as they are not in with the right people.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mary Stewart

By the time that adorable steak and I had become one flesh I could have taken on the whole Valmy clan singlehanded.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Yeardley Smith

Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican.

By Anonym 16 Sep

A. S. King

--he stopped and eyed Bill Corso--"if you choose to just sit here like a bored jungle gorilla, you will have to write out this quote as many times as you can during the next hour.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Abhishek Shukla

Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra

...he spent whole days and nights over his books; and thus with little sleeping and much reading his brains dried up to such a degree that he lost the use of his reason.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ed Koch

If I traveled to the end of the rainbow as Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me the pot's at the other end.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Tiffany Ferentini

He didn't give a shit if Shakespeare didn't have glitter back in his day.

By Anonym 17 Sep

David Sedaris

One year I went as a pirate, but from then on I went as a hobo. It's a word you don't hear anymore. Along with 'tramp,' it's been replaced by 'homeless person,' which isn't the same thing. Unlike someone who was evicted or lost his house in a fire, the hobo roughed it by choice. Being at liberty, unencumbered by bills and mortgages, better suited his drinking schedule, and so he found shelter wherever he could, never a bum, but something much less threatening, a figure of merriment, almost.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Ric Charlesworth

The interesting thing about coaching is that you have to trouble the comfortable, and comfort the troubled

By Anonym 13 Sep

Joycelyn Elders

But I'm saying we are loosing the people who are going to pay my social security. And that bothers me.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Oscar Wilde

You don't seem to realise, that in married life three is company and two is none.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Winston Graham

I could say how well he dances, but that isn't true, for he dances like that big friendly bear I saw last Christmas.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Michael Caine

First of all, I choose the great roles, and if none of these come, I choose the mediocre ones, and if they don't come, I choose the ones that pay the rent.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Whenever they are condemning weaves or breast implants, some people speak so passionately that their false teeth almost fall out.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Hazel Cartwright

-Have a Glass of wine & over time it will be fine.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Aliaha Brown

I'm not Weird I'm Limited Edition!

By Anonym 16 Sep

Raj Singh

God has given you the same brain, so use your own in stead of borrowing ideas from somebody else. Think about and fathom the ideas before following them.

By Anonym 13 Sep

William J. Clinton

Almost makes you want to go to jail out here, doesn't it?

By Anonym 18 Sep

Simon Truckle

The circumstances that had conspired to put them in their present predicament were convoluted to say the least. You could say the origins lay in an unlikely mix of rock and roll music, Adolf Hitler and a peculiarly persuasive ukulele salesman from Croydon.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Tom Robbins

The Japanese have become so smitten with the Western condiment - its texture as silky as a kimono, its tang as understated as the tang of Zen - that today they have a word for mayonnaise junkie: mayora.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dave Barry

The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf; the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?