Best 426 of Demetri Martin quotes - MyQuotes

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Demetri Martin
By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I'm completely disconnected.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I think as a performer, it can be really great to stand on stage, especially when you have more time, but I do think about the specific people in the audience, how it's hard for them to get up and go to the bathroom, how they chose not to do other things that night and have turned off their phones and everything. So for that reason, I think it's necessary to mix it up and talk to the audience.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Demetri Martin

Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.'

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed... But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. Before that, I never realized how much I sought other people's approval. Once I figured that out, I was free to move on and seek the approval of other people, in comedy clubs and showbiz meetings.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

The question is, 'how bad at sports were you as a kid?' I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren't tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.