Best 426 of Demetri Martin quotes - MyQuotes

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Demetri Martin
By Anonym 16 Sep

Demetri Martin

Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

You need an audience to help you figure out what's working and what's worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what's worth touring with.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I think as a performer, it can be really great to stand on stage, especially when you have more time, but I do think about the specific people in the audience, how it's hard for them to get up and go to the bathroom, how they chose not to do other things that night and have turned off their phones and everything. So for that reason, I think it's necessary to mix it up and talk to the audience.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I didn't play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn't even have any books at my house. I think about it and I'm like, I don't know how I climbed out of there.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.