Best 426 of Demetri Martin quotes - MyQuotes

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Demetri Martin
By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. By the fourth week, I found it tedious. I got bored and grew restless. I had no other plan for a job, because from seventh grade on, I had planned on law. So I shifted my focus from classes to extracurricular activities.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

This is a pie chart about procrastination.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

When I used to go on the Wikipedia page, and I haven't gone on the page in a while, there used to be some guy who was doing my page and he would say that he was my cousin and I was going to be doing projects with him. I don't know who this person is and I don't have a cousin by this name and this person keeps saying that they're doing projects with me. It's so weird.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I think as a performer, it can be really great to stand on stage, especially when you have more time, but I do think about the specific people in the audience, how it's hard for them to get up and go to the bathroom, how they chose not to do other things that night and have turned off their phones and everything. So for that reason, I think it's necessary to mix it up and talk to the audience.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

The question is, 'how bad at sports were you as a kid?' I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren't tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

The planets. Now footnote, I'm including Pluto in the planets, because I think it's terrible what they did to Pluto. And it's still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Demetri Martin

Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Demetri Martin

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Demetri Martin

Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.