Best 934 of George Carlin quotes - MyQuotes

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George Carlin
By Anonym 14 Sep

George Carlin

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.

By Anonym 14 Sep

George Carlin

Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.

By Anonym 14 Sep

George Carlin

The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

I always knew I could hold people's attention and make them laugh every 30 or 40 seconds, and I got approval and attention for that, so the behavior was reinforced. Later, that became an important skill on the street corner.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

I always have these little internal monologues. You'll get used to them.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

By Anonym 14 Sep

George Carlin

Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.

By Anonym 15 Sep

George Carlin

There's a part of me that is angry. Not in the sense of, "Gee, George is an angry guy!" I mean, anyone who's been with me five minutes, five years, whatever, they would tell you they've rarely seen me in a moment of anger. Yes, I can become highly irritated in a line that's moving slowly, or with a clerk who's incompetent. But I don't yell. I don't get rude. I am clear about what I expect. In a store, my mother always told me, "Ask for the manager immediately. It changes the tone of the conversation.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

I don't understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I'd be glad to share with him.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

By Anonym 15 Sep

George Carlin

Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

In my fifth-grade yearbook - it's right up there on the top shell - the last page says, "What about your future?" and under my name, it says, "When I grow up, I would like to be either an actor, a radio announcer, an impersonator or a comedian.

By Anonym 15 Sep

George Carlin

There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.

By Anonym 14 Sep

George Carlin

I think the trend to control speech - and therefore thought - continues. Because of the freer flow of information now, there's more on the side of free thought.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.

By Anonym 14 Sep

George Carlin

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

By Anonym 15 Sep

George Carlin

When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.

By Anonym 14 Sep

George Carlin

My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.

By Anonym 15 Sep

George Carlin

The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

By Anonym 18 Sep

George Carlin

Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!

By Anonym 14 Sep

George Carlin

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

By Anonym 19 Sep

George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

By Anonym 14 Sep

George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

By Anonym 14 Sep

George Carlin

Religion is the worst thing that ever happened to mankind - the ironic part is that it's presented as a good thing, and its effect is absolutely catastrophic to individuals and to societies.

By Anonym 14 Sep

George Carlin

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

By Anonym 15 Sep

George Carlin

Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: Take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

By Anonym 15 Sep

George Carlin

War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.

By Anonym 14 Sep

George Carlin

Matt 13:57. Then Jesus told them, 'A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.' The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

By Anonym 15 Sep

George Carlin

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

By Anonym 15 Sep

George Carlin

There was about a two-year period at the end of the '60s, when I realized I was in the wrong place and entertaining the wrong people with the wrong material and that I was not being true to myself. I went through a metamorphosis into something more authentic for me, a more authentic stage voice and writing voice.

By Anonym 14 Sep

George Carlin

Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

I became a radio nut. I loved the afternoon serials, and I got into jazz through the radio. I had a subscription to Down Beat when I was 12. And I'd spend a lot of time in front of the minor, miming records.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

By Anonym 14 Sep

George Carlin

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

By Anonym 15 Sep

George Carlin

Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with.

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

By Anonym 13 Sep

George Carlin

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

By Anonym 14 Sep

George Carlin

Somebody once said that Hollywood is based on a lot of producers deliberately making bad movies, and every now and then somebody gets lucky.

By Anonym 15 Sep

George Carlin

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom