Best 358 of Craig Ferguson quotes - MyQuotes

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Craig Ferguson
By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Ferguson

The term Big Brother is from George Orwell's book 1984 - where everyone's watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I've never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn't that more like Creepy Uncle?

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Ferguson

Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Ferguson

Whoever I had become had to die.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Ferguson

Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Ferguson

I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Ferguson

Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa?

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Ferguson

For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Ferguson

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Ferguson

The rain is giving much needed relief to California's crops. By that I mean 'marijuana.'

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Ferguson

If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Ferguson

If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Craig Ferguson

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Ferguson

You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Ferguson

People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Craig Ferguson

I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Ferguson

Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Ferguson

A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was strudel.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Ferguson

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Ferguson

I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Ferguson

If you don't vote, you're a moron.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Ferguson

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Ferguson

There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You're supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Ferguson

The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Ferguson

Democrats in state legislatures are at their lowest level since the 1920s. President Obama has a can't-miss strategy to save the party in 2016. He's leaving.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Ferguson

The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It's camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Ferguson

I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Ferguson

Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Ferguson

I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Ferguson

I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Ferguson

It's tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Ferguson

The 3-D effects in "Star Wars" are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Craig Ferguson

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Ferguson

They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Ferguson

Fraser's mother, Janice, was actually quite a happy soul but she had to hide it because, like all pseudo intellectuals, she thought being cheery made her look stupid, which of course she was for believing that rubbish in the first place. She like to talk about Sartre sometimes, just as insurance.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Ferguson

Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn't use tracking numbers and doesn't use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Ferguson

Valentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Ferguson

Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Craig Ferguson

It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Ferguson

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Ferguson

Today Prince William went to Washington, D.C., and he met with President Obama. He said, 'It feels weird being in the White House because I'm not an American.' And then Prince William said, 'Yeah, me too.'

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Ferguson

My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Ferguson

When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we'd get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Ferguson

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Ferguson

Clay Aiken ran for Congress in North Carolina. But he didn't make it. Clay Aiken is famous for coming in second in a TV popularity contest that most people got fed up with years ago. He also lost on 'American Idol.'

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Ferguson

Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Ferguson

If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Ferguson

The most popular Valentine's Day gift is chocolate. In the 1800's, doctors told their patients to eat chocolate to get over a broken heart. They also thought if you're going to be alone, who cares if you get fat.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Ferguson

Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Ferguson

Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of what if when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Ferguson

I wanted to be a rock star.