Best 219 of Joseph Heller quotes - MyQuotes

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Joseph Heller
By Anonym 14 Sep

Joseph Heller

So many things were testing his faith. There was the Bible, of course, but the Bible was a book, and so were Bleak House, Treasure Island, Ethan Frome and The Last of the Mohicans. Did it then seem probable, as he had once overheard Dunbar ask, that the answers to riddles of creation would be supplied by people too ignorant to understand the mechanics of rainfall? Had Almighty God, in all His infinite wisdom, really been afraid that men six thousand years ago would succeed in building a tower to heaven?

By Anonym 14 Sep

Joseph Heller

Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Joseph Heller

If a man is going to leave one wife to marry another, it's better if he divorces the first before he marries the second.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Joseph Heller

Group headquarters was alarmed, for there is no telling what people might find out once they felt felt free to ask whatever questions they wanted to. Colonel Cathcart sent Colonel Korn to stop it, and Colonel Korn succeeded with a rule governing the asking of questions. Colonel Korn's rule was a stroke of genius, Colonel Korn explained in his report to Colonel Cathcart. Under Colonel Corn's rule the only people permitted to ask questions were those who never did. Soon the only people attending [sessions] were those who never asked questions, and the sessions were discontinued altogether, since Clevinger, the corporal and Colonel Korn agreed that it was neither possible nor necessary to educate people who never questioned anything.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Joseph Heller

Yossarian decided to change the subject. "Now you're changing the subject." he pointed out diplomatically. "I'll bet I can name two things to be miserable about for every one you can name to be thankful for.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Joseph Heller

I don't want to make sacrifices. I want to make dough.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Joseph Heller

No such private nights of ecstasy or hushed-up drinking and sex orgies ever occurred. They might have occurred if either General Dreedle or General Peckem had once evinced an interest in taking part in orgies with him, but neither ever did, and the colonel was certainly not going to waste his time and energy making love to beautiful women unless there was something in it for him.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Joseph Heller

When I grow up I want to be a little boy.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Joseph Heller

Major Major never sees anyone in his office while he's in his office.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Joseph Heller

Nobody is sure anymore who really runs the company (not even the people who are credited with running it), but the company does run.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Joseph Heller

And anything worth dying for

By Anonym 14 Sep

Joseph Heller

Suppose everyone on our side felt that way?

By Anonym 13 Sep

Joseph Heller

Everyone in my book accuses everyone else of being crazy. Frankly, I think the whole society is nuts - and the question is: What does a sane man do in an insane society?

By Anonym 16 Sep

Joseph Heller

He was one of those people with lots of intelligence but no brains

By Anonym 15 Sep

Joseph Heller

Yossarian was cold, too, and shivering uncontrollably. He felt goose pimples clacking all over him as he gazed down despondently at the grim secret Snowden had spilled all over the messy floor. It was easy to read the message in his entrails. Man was matter, that was Snowden's secret. Drop him out a window and he'll fall. Set fire to him and he'll burn. Bury him and he'll rot, like other kinds of garbage. The spirit gone, man is garbage. That was Snowden's secret. Ripeness was all. I'm cold,' Snowden said. 'I'm cold.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Joseph Heller

The captain was a good chess player, and the games were always interesting. Yossarian had stopped playing chess with him because the games were so interesting they were foolish.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Joseph Heller

She reminded him of (...) all the shivering, stupefying misery in a world that never yet had provided enough heat and food and justice for all but an ingenious and unscrupulous handful. What a lousy earth!

By Anonym 14 Sep

Joseph Heller

Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Joseph Heller

Appleby was as good at shooting crap as he was at playing Ping-Pong, and he was as good at playing Ping-Pong as he was at everything else. Everything Appleby did, he did well. Appleby was a fair-haired boy from Iowa who believed in God, Motherhood, and the American Way of Life, without ever thinking about any of them, and everybody who knew him liked him. "I hate that son of a bitch," Yossarian growled.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Joseph Heller

There was shish-kabob for lunch, huge, savory hunks of spitted meat sizzling like the devil over charcoal after marinating seventy-two hours in a secret mixture Milo had stolen from a crooked trader in the Levant, served with Iranian rice and asparagus tips Parmesan, followed by cherries jubilee for dessert and then steaming cups of fresh coffee with Benedictine and brandy.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Joseph Heller

He was never without misery, and never without hope.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Joseph Heller

They were the most depressing group of people Yossarian had ever been with. They were always in high spirits.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Joseph Heller

The promises of maniacs, like those of women, are not safely relied upon.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Joseph Heller

Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle. 'That's some catch, that Catch-22,' he observed. 'It's the best there is,' Doc Daneeka agreed. Yossarian saw it clearly in all its spinning reasonableness. There was an elliptical precision about its perfect pairs of parts that was graceful and shocking, like good modern art, and at times Yossarian wasn't quite sure he saw it at all, just the way he was never quite sure about good modern art or about the flies Orr saw in Appleby's eyes. he had Orr's word to take for Appleby's eyes.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Joseph Heller

Major Major had lied, and it was good. He was not really surprised that it was good, for he had observed that people who did lie were, on the whole, more resourceful and ambitious and successful than people who did not lie.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Joseph Heller

Remember that everyone deserves some fun during working hours.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Joseph Heller

That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed. It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Joseph Heller

How did I get here? Somebody pushed me. Somebody must have set me off in this direction and clus-ters of other hands must have touched themselves to the controls at various times, for I would not have picked this way for the world.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Joseph Heller

I am miracle ingredient Z-247. I'm immense. I'm a real, slam-bang, honest-to-goodness, three-fisted humdinger. I'm a bona fide supraman.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Joseph Heller

Who's they?" He wanted to know. "Who, specifically, do you think is trying to murder you?" "Every one of them," Yossarian told him. "Every one of whom?" "Every one of whom do you think?" "I haven't any idea." "Then how do you know they aren't?" "Because..." Clevinger sputtered, and turned speechless with frustration. Clevinger really thought he was right, but Yossarian had proof, because strangers he didn't know shot at him with cannons every time he flew up into the air to drop bombs on them, and it wasn't funny at all.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Joseph Heller

As far back as Yossarian could recall, he explained to Clevinger with a patient smile, somebody was always hatching a plot to kill him. There were people who cared for him and people who didn't, and those who hated him were out to get him. They hated him because he was Assyrian. But they couldn't touch him, he told Clevinger, because he had a sound mind in a pure body and was as strong as an ox. They couldn't touch him because he was Tarzan, Mandrake, Flash Gordon. He was Bill Shakespeare. He was Cain, Ulysses, the Flying Dutchman; he was Lot in Sodom, Deirdre of the Sorrows, Sweeney in the nightingales among trees. He was miracle ingredient Z-247. He was - Crazy!" Clevinger interrupted, shrieking. "That's what you are! Crazy!" "immense. I'm a real slam-bang, honest-to-goodness, three-fisted humdinger. I'm a bona fide Supraman." "Superman?" Clevinger cried. "Superman?" Supraman," Yossarian corrected.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Joseph Heller

There is no disappointment so numbing...as someone no better than you achieving more.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Joseph Heller

Gold had discovered, since starting to exercise strenuously several years before, that he was able to make love with greater vitality, stamina, and self-control than formerly, and with much less pleasure.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Joseph Heller

I've come to look upon death the same way I look upon root-canal work. Everyone else seems to get through it all right, so it couldn't be too difficult for me.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Joseph Heller

Be glad you're even alive.' Be furious you're going to die.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Joseph Heller

Colonel Cathcart is our commanding officer and we must obey him. Why don't you fly four more missions and see what happens?" "I don't want to." "Suppose we let you pick your missions and fly milk runs?" Major Major said. "That way you can fly the four missions and not run any risks." "I don't want to fly milk runs. I don't want to be in the war anymore." "Would you like to see our country lose?" Major Major asked. "We won't lose. We've got more men, more money, and more material. There are ten million men in uniform who could replace me. Some people are getting killed and a lot more are making money and having fun. Let somebody else get killed." "But suppose everybody on our side felt that way?" "Then I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way. Wouldn't I?

By Anonym 19 Sep

Joseph Heller

The night was filled with horrors, and he thought he knew how Christ must have felt as he walked through the world, like a psychiatrist through a ward full of nuts, like a victim through a prison full of thieves. What a welcome sight a leper must have been!

By Anonym 14 Sep

Joseph Heller

It's a wise person, I guess, who knows he's dumb, and an honest person who knows he's a liar. And it's a dumb person, I guess, whose convinced he's wise...-Bob Slocum

By Anonym 18 Sep

Joseph Heller

Sure, there’s a catch,” Doc Daneeka replied. “Catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out of combat duty isn’t really crazy.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Joseph Heller

Gold was not sure of many things, but he was definite about one: for every successful person he knew, he could name at least two others of greater ability, better, and higher intelligence who, by comparison, had failed.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Joseph Heller

My act of rebellion would be absorbed like rain on an ocean and leave no trace. I would not cause a ripple.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Joseph Heller

But Yossarian knew he was right, because, as he explained to Clevinger, to the best of his knowledge he had never been wrong.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Joseph Heller

There's a rule saying I have to ground anyone who's crazy ... There's a catch. Catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out of combat duty isn't really crazy.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Joseph Heller

I think that maybe in every company today there is always at least one person who is going crazy slowly.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Joseph Heller

Politically, he was a humanitarian who did know right from left and was trapped uncomfortably between the two. He was constantly defending his Communist friends to his right-wing enemies and his right-wing friends to his Communist enemies, and he was thoroughly detested by both groups, who never defended him to anyone because they thought he was a dope.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Joseph Heller

Maybe a long life does have to be filled with many unpleasant conditions if it's to seem long. But in that event, who wants one?" "I do," Dunbar told him. "Why?" Clevinger asked. "What else is there?

By Anonym 17 Sep

Joseph Heller

My fish dream is a sex dream.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Joseph Heller

The smartest people in Washington are the political reporters. They write about their inferiors.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Joseph Heller

But the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make him out to be.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Joseph Heller

The body stores the trauma of our lives in muscular rigidity, thereby keeping us stuck in the past. When we release the tension in the body and align ourselves with gravity, we take a new stand in life. This allows us to be at ease with ourselves and in harmony in our relationship to others and to our planet.