Best 72 of Lenny Bruce quotes - MyQuotes

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Lenny Bruce
By Anonym 14 Sep

Lenny Bruce

Sex and obscenity are not synonymous.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Lenny Bruce

(On his addiction to opiods): I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lenny Bruce

What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Lenny Bruce

I've been accused of bad taste, and I'll go down to my grave accused of it and always by the same people, the ones who eat in restaurants that reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Lenny Bruce

Certain things are complete superstition and have no validity at all in the Bible. Yeah. They're just the antithesis of everything that is correct intellectually.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Lenny Bruce

That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lenny Bruce

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lenny Bruce

What you end up with is outrageousness without the laugh - comedy as electro shock therapy.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lenny Bruce

You can't do anything with anybody's body to make it dirty to me. Six people, eight people, one person - you can do only one thing to make it dirty: kill it. Hiroshima was dirty.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Lenny Bruce

I was a Jew talking about Goyim religion. If I had just stuck to Moses, everything would have been cool. But, copping to being part of the whole Christ murder conspiracy got everyone goose-stepping again.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Lenny Bruce

A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Lenny Bruce

If I get busted in New York, the freest city in the world, that will be the end of my career.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lenny Bruce

You got to pay your dues to get the joke. Besides, laughter is cheap and very portable. If there's a pogrom, or they're blaming you for the plague, nothing is easier to pack than a sense of humor.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Lenny Bruce

Never tell. Not if you love your wife...In fact, if your old lady walks in on you deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay On Top Of Me Or I'll Die.' " I didn't know what I was goin' to do.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Lenny Bruce

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Lenny Bruce

Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient tribes of Judea, or one who is regarded as descended from that tribe. That's what it says in the dictionary; but you and I know what a Jew is - One Who Killed Our Lord. And although there should be a statute of limitations for that crime, it seems that those who neither have the actions nor the gait of Christians, pagan or not, will bust us out, unrelenting dues, for another deuce.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lenny Bruce

You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud, a chicken, a barrel, anything, a knothole.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Lenny Bruce

Life is a four-letter word.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Lenny Bruce

I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven, but, I guess Hitler threw off the curve for our century.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Lenny Bruce

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Lenny Bruce

I tried the religion scam in Miami, so I know how hard that gig is. But, if you can get it to work, starting your own religion is a license to print money.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Lenny Bruce

...Catholicism is like Howard Johnson, and what they have are these franchises and they give all these people different franchises in the different countries but they have one government, and when you buy the Howard Johnson franchise you can apply it to the geography - whatever's cool for that area - and then you, you know, pay the bread to the main office.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Lenny Bruce

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lenny Bruce

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Lenny Bruce

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write songs like, "What I'm going to do if I grow up".

By Anonym 13 Sep

Lenny Bruce

I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Lenny Bruce

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it...try to fake three laughs in an hour -- ha ha ha ha ha -- they'll take you away, man. You can't.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lenny Bruce

The reason I'm in this business, I assume all performers are -- it's Look at me, Ma! It's acceptance, you know -- Look at me, Ma, look at me, Ma, look at me, Ma. And if your mother watches, you'll show off till you're exhausted; but if your mother goes, Ptshew!

By Anonym 13 Sep

Lenny Bruce

I'm sure that half the buzz from smoking grass was the fact that it was so illegal.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lenny Bruce

The thing with Catholicism, the same as all religions, is that it teaches what should be, which seems rather incorrect. This is what should be. Now, if you're taught to live up to a what should be that never existed - only an occult superstition, no proof of this should be - then you can sit on a jury and indict easily, you can cast the first stone, you can burn Adolf Eichmann, like that!

By Anonym 13 Sep

Lenny Bruce

Alright, let's admit it, we Jews killed Christ - but it was only for three days.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Lenny Bruce

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Lenny Bruce

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like "What I'm Going to be If I Grow Up

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lenny Bruce

There's always a down side with any freedom. It's not just homosexual freedom, but any sexual freedom comes at a price, and that is usually art.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lenny Bruce

You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Lenny Bruce

Dig: I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's goyish. B'nai B'rith is goyish; Hadassah, Jewish. If you live in New York or any other big city, you are Jewish. It doesn't matter even if you're Catholic; if you live in New York, you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you're going to be goyish even if you're Jewish.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lenny Bruce

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lenny Bruce

When earth gets good and crowded, like 15th century England, then some new Pilgrims are gonna rocket their Mayflowers to a new solar system.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Lenny Bruce

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Lenny Bruce

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish

By Anonym 14 Sep

Lenny Bruce

Part of the kick of making people laugh was doing something different. We were a rare breed - spotting one of us was like pinning a space alien, or abdominal snowman. There were maybe a hundred stand-ups in the whole country when I was doing it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Lenny Bruce

If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Lenny Bruce

If you believe there is a God, a God that made your body, and yet you think that you can do anything with that body that's dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Lenny Bruce

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Lenny Bruce

Never trust a preacher with more than two suits.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Lenny Bruce

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Lenny Bruce

Communism is like one big phone company.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Lenny Bruce

Marijuana is rejected all over the world. Damned. In England heroin is alright for out-patents, but marijuana? They'll put your ass in jail. I wonder why that is? The only reason could be: To Serve the Devil - Pleasure! Pleasure, which is a dirty word in Christian culture.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Lenny Bruce

If I just stuck to pot I might have found out what a drag being an aging hipster actually was.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lenny Bruce

Wouldn't it be nice if all the people who are lonesome could live in one big dormitory, sleep in beds next to each other, talk, laugh, and keep the lights on as long as they want to?