Best 78 of Craig Kilborn quotes - MyQuotes

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Craig Kilborn
By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Kilborn

While there's no 'I' in team, there's also no 'you', okay? So back off.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

My brother asked me once, 'Are you a misanthrope?' And I said, 'No, I just find people irritating.'

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Kilborn

Critics say Arnold has no previous government experience, but advisers say he's clearly the most qualified Austrian, ex-Mr. Universe in the race.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

President Bush is in the hot seat over Iraqi pre-war intelligence. Remember the good ol' days when the only thing the president was trying to cover up was a stain?

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick up, pick up.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Kilborn

You may have heard this, that NASA discovered water on Mars When he heard about the water on Mars, President Bush said, 'Is it regular or unleaded?'

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Kilborn

Ironically, the possibility that the president dodged his military service has increased his approval ratings with Democrats by 80 percent.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Kilborn

Yesterday Jerry Springer bowed out of the Ohio Senate race. He said, 'If I can't run the most embarrassing campaign in America, then I'm out of here.'

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Kilborn

As John Kerry sails toward the Democratic nomination, new questions are emerging about President Bush's service in the National Guard, like where he was for six months in 1972 and why he refused to take a routine physical. President Bush has vowed to get to the bottom of this right after Election Day.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Kilborn

I always tell people I romanticize about doing something simple, like doing radio in northern California.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Kilborn

As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered his supplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting, then we'll be sent one war every other month until we cancel our subscription.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

Maria Shriver is credited with helping Arnold win by standing by him despite allegations of groping. She had to stand by him cause Arnold had a vice grip on her left ass cheek.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

President Bush has delivered a new resolution to the U.N. saying that Saddam has failed to cooperate with U.N. resolutions, freeing us to get our war on. Don't mess with us France, or we'll send Jerry Lewis to Iraq as a human shield.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said, I may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Kilborn

In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

It's weird watching President Bush struggle with excuses for why we went to war. As he struggles, it reminds us all what a terrific liar Bill Clinton really was.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Kilborn

With Iraq plunging into chaos and gas prices at record highs President Bush took time out this weekend for a ride on his bicycle, but unfortunately he fell off and sustained cuts to his face and hands. Apparently Bush was distracted by the enormous responsibilities of the presidency. I'm just kidding. He hit some gravel or something.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

Martha Stewart was convicted of four counts of lying and obstruction of justice and could serve up to 20 years in Congress.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

Our top story, in 'Threat Matrix Reloaded' news ... Attorney General John Ashcroft and FBI Director Robert Muller held a press conference today to announce that Al Qaeda is planning attacks somewhere inside the United States at sometime in the future. So go about your normal lives, but with a vague sense of foreboding.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.'

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Kilborn

Today Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge lowered the terror alert from orange to yellow. Does anybody need 16 miles of duct tape?

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Kilborn

Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Kilborn

Bryant Gumbel is thrilled about his CBS deal and can't wait to start alienating the staff of an entirely new network.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Kilborn

I don't do well around the angry, bitter and emotionally fragile among us, which may eliminate 70% of the population.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Kilborn

Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Kilborn

In a new poll 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of Iraq's missile threat. Hey, he's a guy.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Kilborn

There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

Larry Flynt, running for governor of California. His goal - change our state bird to the spread eagle.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Kilborn

Federal authorities have informed Martha Stewart's lawyers she will be indicted for her role in the ImClone insider trading scandal. Good news for Martha - stripes are back in this year.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the 'War on Jobs.'

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Kilborn

I lived in a studio apartment until my mid-30s. I don't have an extravagant lifestyle.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

Over ten thousand people have signed a petition to recall Governor Schwarzenegger. I'm sorry, that is next year's joke.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Kilborn

If loving you is wrong, then I'll just like you a whole bunch!

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Kilborn

Clinton said he feels safe in Harlem. It's the only place in the state Hillary is scared to look for him after dark.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

President Bush announced a billion dollar mission to the moon and Mars. He came up with a snappy new slogan - to drill where no man has drilled before.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Kilborn

Howard Dean is narrowing the field of potential running mates. It's down to Mike Tyson or Bobby Knight.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Kilborn

I enjoyed retirement the right way linguine con vongole, red wine and plenty of truffle cheese.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Kilborn

The places I've worked in the past, I always stayed three years and moved on.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Kilborn

Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoir has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Kilborn

A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

It's not a big part, ... I wheel in an ultrasound machine and say to Taylor's gynecologist, 'If you have a problem with it, just give it a light tap on the side.' Then they hand me a urine sample, and I put it up to the light and say 'Hmm, looks pretty healthy, but I'll check.'

By Anonym 15 Sep

Craig Kilborn

Tom Ridge now says we don't have to run out and put plastic sheets all over the house. Great, tell that to my dead parakeet.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Craig Kilborn

Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Craig Kilborn

Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor. He's got a great slogan - 'Vote for me, or I'll make 'Kindergarten Cop II