Best 54 of Funny book quotes - MyQuotes

By Anonym 13 Sep

Laurie Halse Anderson

I reach for funny books all the time to help me get through life.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Mark Jackman

My mortgage isn’t getting any cheaper and I can’t run that Ferrari on faith alone," Reverend Jones said. "Don’t get me wrong, the Big Man upstairs does what he can but I’ve never once seen him filling up the tank of my car.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Jami Gold

She wasn’t impressed with either his determination or the muscles rippling under his T-shirt. At all. She was also a liar. (Elaina)

By Anonym 16 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Mark Jackman

Eagles, buffalos and deserts vast, it’s no good living in the fucking past.

By Anonym 15 Sep

R. R. Virdi

Church's boss was a dick too--justice!

By Anonym 18 Sep

Jami Gold

She took a step toward him. “You? Mr. Sexy Ass Bad Boy Extraordinaire. A virgin. And you expect me to believe that?

By Anonym 15 Sep

Philip Rivera

And so the cycle of innocence found, lost, found again, and finally lost is complete. Just as a peanut is neither a pea nor a nut… and a thighmaster is neither a thigh nor a master… so our hero learned that Netflix and Chill means neither Netflix nor Chill. And if you’re just learning this for the first time, welcome to the end of your innocence.

By Anonym 15 Sep

M. A. Marr

Are you prepared?" she asked when the other Valkyries had their passengers in place. "Sure," Matt said. "But we could use a soundtrack this time. Maybe a little Wagner. Da-da-da DUM dum." Hildar looked back at hiim blankly. "Wagner? Ride of the Valkyries? Da-da-da...Er, never mind." "Oh!" Baldwin said. "I know that one!" "Don't feed the geek," Fen muttered. "Hey," Matt said. "I'm not a-" "Oh, yeah, you are, Thorsen. You really are," Fen said in a voice that might have been teasing.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747? -About 20 pounds. -Yo mama carries more passengers. -Not everyone's been on a 747.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Mark Jackman

The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart,' the inventor said. 'The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Mark Jackman

Suddenly, a voice called from the darkness. Taylor leapt like a salmon, then became rooted to the spot like a tin of salmon.

By Anonym 20 Sep

R. R. Virdi

You belong in an insane asylum, you know that?" "Maybe my next case...

By Anonym 17 Sep

Oliver Markus

Men know that most women want to have an emotional connection with someone before they sleep with them. Men know that a lot of women think it's romantic to be friends first, and then the friendship blossoms into a relationship. Men know that they have to jump through all these hoops first, before they can get laid. And that's really all romance and courtship is to a man: hoops he has to jump through to get laid.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Cressida Cowell

...but Tact and Sensitivity were not Gobber's strong points, and he took the first five minutes to come up with "Hiccup copped it. SORRY," and the spent the second five minutes tearing his beard out.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Oliver Markus Malloy

Do flat-earthers believe that other planets are also flat?

By Anonym 17 Sep

R. R. Virdi

My bosses would be beyond pissed if tomorrow's New York Times read: "Solid gold tiger eats stupid couple who were taking photos of it with their camera phone.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Jami Gold

Holy hell, did she love her a good dimple. And this one was deadly. She needed to get him to stop smiling. Now.

By Anonym 18 Sep

La Tisha Honor

Roaches should never trust humans. We’re all doomed.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

By Anonym 20 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Mark Jackman

His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen when, in an uncharacteristic error of judgement, he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped.

By Anonym 16 Sep

G. G. Silverman

Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Carrie Vaughn

You know why horror-movie characters always get killed? Because they've never seen horror movies. They don't know how it works. Right? But we do. So no one go into the basement alone. No one go screaming off into the woods alone. No one has any sex.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so poor, when I lit her house on fire, the cockroaches came out singing, “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

By Anonym 16 Sep

Celeste Bradley

It was if the devil himself had devised the perfect earthly torture for Lady Alicia Lawrence. “Now how will I occupy myself when I get to hell?

By Anonym 19 Sep

R. R. Virdi

There was a part of my brain that wanted to ask if his wife had a beard, verify my theory. I told that part of my brain to shut up.

By Anonym 16 Sep

J. Daniels

Dylan: What was that? Is Brooke breaking shit now? I know she's upset but she needs to remember where she is,Joey.HANDLE IT. Sweet Christ. Why couldn,t she be on bed rest at her mother's? Me: Ease up on the shouty caps,cupcake. Everything is under control. Dylan:BETTER BE.(I love you) Me: BITCH.(love you too)

By Anonym 18 Sep

Carla H Krueger

Someone once said writing and gardening are similar pursuits. Tell you what, I'd have one fucked up garden if that were the case.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Mark Jackman

My mortgage isn’t getting any cheaper and I can’t run that Ferrari on faith alone," Revernd Jones said. "Don’t get me wrong, the Big Man Upstairs does what he can but I’ve never once seen him filling up the tank of my car.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Neeraj Agnihotri

A book can give you an experience of someone’s life in a few hours, and this is far more profitable than any sale that’s going on.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Gena Showalter

(If plan KTB kill the bastard) didn't work, well, gray would resort to Plan B: Operation Oh Sh**

By Anonym 20 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Sherrilyn Kenyon

Sadly for you, I think I'm going to live, Simi. You can stop slapping me now. I've already lost enough sense. Can't afford to lose any more brain cells. I really really need my last three before I forget how to spell my name. It's hard enough to pronounce." Nick "well, poo. Not poo that you'll live, 'cause the Simi would probably miss you if you died, but poo that I'll miss all that good old salty boy meat. Though we needs be fatting you up some to make you really good eats. Hmmm." Simi

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jennifer Shirk

Ah, like how Sharon Parker’s bra kind of found its way into your locker?” He leaned in, resting his elbows on the table. “Are you going to constantly bring these things up the entire time we’re dating?” “Sorry. Just using my prior knowledge to try and gauge what kind of fake boyfriend you’re going to make.” “Well, if your bitterness is any indication of the kind of fake girlfriend you’re going to be, I won’t hold my breath for you to fake put out.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Robert J. Power

Erroh has a plan. A simple plan. It'll never work.

By Anonym 16 Sep

R. R. Virdi

How are you feeling?" "Like I fell out a burning building onto pavement, you?" I grumbled. "Like I was pushed out of a burning building by a maniac," she retorted, a small smile playing across her face.