Best 248 of Humourous quotes - MyQuotes

By Anonym 16 Sep

Sarvesh Jain

If you're not smarter than your phone, then you aren't smart at all.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Piper Kerman

Vanessa was deprived of her hormones in prison and thus retained several male characteristics that would have been less evident otherwise, most notably her voice. While she spoke in a high, little-girl voice most of the time, she could switch at will to a booming, masculine Richard-voice. She loved to sneak up behind people and scare the crap out of them this way, and she was very effective at quieting a noisy dining hall, roaring, "Y'all hush up!" Best of all were her Richardian encouragements on the softball field, where she was a sought-after teammate. That bitch could hit.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Christine Price

There was a knock on the bedroom door. “Matt?” Fuck. “Nope. Silence. “Would you be the owner of the leather pants?” “Yep.” She paused briefly. “I’m going to pass these through the door. You have exactly thirty seconds to pull them on, make yourself presentable and get your ass out here.” “Do I have any other options?” “Only if Matt’s got a window.” He looked at the window longingly. The thirty-six-story drop with no fire escape might be less painful, but he decided there was no avoiding it. “Understood.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Terry Pratchett

The three thieves looked around. As their eyes grew accustomed to the gloom, they received a general impression of armourality, with strong overtones of helmetness.

By Anonym 18 Sep

N. C. Thomas

Optimism was for children. Once you reached adulthood then you had to join the rest of the world as a realist - life was a bag of shit you were expected to pay for.

By Anonym 16 Sep

J. J. Mcavoy

He has an interview going on, so if anyone asks you anything about anything, smile and lie." "So, if they ask how it feels to spend our evenings filing briefings from three years ago, we should say it's great? Atticusa asked sarcastically, as he pulled out the files he needed to work on next.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Warren Ellis

He tried to close a hand around the precious coffee but had to jerk his fingers away, sharply enough that his wrist popped painfully. Tallow wondered if the other end of the coffee machine was slurping water out of a lake in Hell.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Charles Dickens

Mrs. Joe was a very clean housekeeper, but had an exquisite art of making her cleanliness more uncomfortable and unacceptable than dirt itself.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Michelle Franklin

In my body’s effort to conserve itself, rather than attempt any movement outside, I have begun eating more sugar than is good for me. Sugar, while a comfort to many, is a detriment to those with my various physical complaints, and even a spoonful could plunge me into violent agony. It is a pleasurable agony, at least, and in my depression and desperation to have anything that resembled nutrition, I ate half a jar of chocolate spread. I know I should not buy these things. I seldom give in to such cibarious cagmaggery, even when it is On Sale, but when summer is imminent, I will do anything to feel better, including eat something that will make me regret my folly. I am currently crippled on the floor and awaiting death, or I am lately dead and have taught my undead form to use a keyboard, I cannot tell which. I am no longer hot, however, and there is some comfort, whether I am dead or alive. I would rather be alive, I think, if only to buy more chocolate spread.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Jaymin Eve

I’m so sorry.” I was babbling again. He just held me tighter. His low growls started in my ear. “I told the boys we shouldn’t be friends with girls,” he muttered. “I told them that they’re mean, and will do things like break our hearts and scare the shit of out us.” His deep words washed over the room. I heard a few chuckles. When he pulled back I examined his tense features. “When did you tell them that?” I asked. Jacob snorted. “Remember when we were five and you stole Max’s piece of cake. Right around then.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Ade Bozzay

Brussel Sprouts are bad for your health, Scientists have shown that everyone who ever ate a Sprout between the years 1762 and 1815 are now death. You have been warned

By Anonym 18 Sep

Terry Pratchett

The city wasa, wasa, wasa wossname. Thing. Woman. Thass what it was. Woman. Roaring, ancient, centuries old. Strung you along, let you fall in thingy, love, with her, then kicked you inna, inna, thingy. Thingy, in your mouth. Tongue. Tonsils. Teeth. That's what it, she, did. She wasa...thing, you know, lady dog. Puppy. Hen. Bitch.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Madeleine George

I'm sorry, honey. I'm sure if you were a terrorist, you'd make a wonderful one

By Anonym 18 Sep

Gina Damico

The festivities were broken up by Pandora, who lobbed a scoop of ice cream at Lex that landed on the table with a sticky sploosh. “Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!” she screeched, jigging back into the kitchen.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Don Cherry

People think common sense is common - but it's not.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Terry Pratchett

The forest of Skund was indeed enchanted, which was nothing unusual on the Disc, and was also the only forest in the whole universe to be called -- in the local language -- Your Finger You Fool, which was the literal meaning of the word Skund. The reason for this is regrettably all too common. When the first explorers from the warm lands around the Circle Sea travelled into the chilly hinterland they filled in the blank spaces on their maps by grabbing the nearest native, pointing at some distant landmark, speaking very clearly in a loud voice, and writing down whatever the bemused man told them. Thus were immortalised in generations of atlases such geographical oddities as Just A Mountain, I Don't Know, What? and, of course, Your Finger You Fool. Rainclouds clustered around the bald heights of Mt. Oolskunrahod ('Who is this Fool who does Not Know what a Mountain is') and the Luggage settled itself more comfortably under a dripping tree, which tried unsuccessfully to strike up a conversation.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Georgette Heyer

But it is infamous that they have not told you!’ declared Eustacie. ‘Je n’en reviendrai jamais!’ ‘If it’s all the same to you, miss, I’d just as soon you’d talk in a Christian language,’ said Mr. Stubbs.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Terry Pratchett

When new students tried an experiment that was particularly successful in terms of explosive force, the result was often a cross between a major factory refit and a game of Hunt-the-other-Kidney.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Winston Groom

One day we found them. They must of been holding a gook convention or something, cause it seem like the same sort of deal as when you step on a anthill and they all come swarming around.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Jane Christmas

It is the quintessential story about perseverance but also about our humanness. We tend to regard ourselves as super-human, but the moment we detect a flaw we crash and lose confidence. We'd rather die than admit failure. Yet God compels us to dust ourselves off and fight another day. Like he does with James Bond.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Kristen Ashley

She nodded, grabbed her purse out of the drawer and skedaddled, walking like she was on a catwalk, one foot in front of the other, her ass swaying under the skirt of her expensive, tailored suit. Bitch. I thought again, watching her go. “No comparison,” Luke said after the door closed behind Dawn and I turned to him. “Excuse me?” “Dawn’s a man eater. You’re not. No comparison,” Luke answered and I didn’t know how to take that. “Is that good?” The half-smile came back. “Most men prefer to do the eating.” Holy fucking cow.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Michelle Franklin

The matron glanced at the old man and suppressed a smile. “He is absolutely miserable.” “I enjoy miserable. It gives one a contrast to all the delectabilities of life. But is he housebroken, inpala? He is rather rumpled. He will look well on my ship, but will he wash well? Do professors fray as a general rule? I will not have my ship looking ragged.” “They do tend to fade after a few years of hard use.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Dan Wells

The camp fell silent, each group staring tensely at the other. Finally Marcus stepped forward. ''If you insist on going through me to get to him, it's your call. But I warn you, I will probably cry when you hurt me, and you'll feel bad about it later.'' Vinci looked at him. ''That's your defiant speech?'' ''Get used to it,'' said Marcus. ''There's a lot more useless heroics where that came from.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Fakeer Ishavardas

Religious nuts of the world, unite! I too will fly my kite. Let us set up a meet between your imaginary pal in the sky with my friend up there nowhere, Mr. NOT. We will let them slug it out. Whoever survives, will be our GOD! Long live the brotherhood of the nuts and naught!

By Anonym 16 Sep

Terry Pratchett

It was funny how people were people everywhere you went, even if the people concerned weren't the people the people who made up the phrase "people are people everywhere" had traditionally thought of as people.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Sacharissa saw a movement. Boddony had pulled his axe out from under the bench. It was a traditional dwarf axe. One side was a pickaxe, for the extraction of interesting minerals, and the other side was a war axe, because the people who owned the land with the valuable minerals in it can be so unreasonable sometimes.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Sarina Bowen

He wants to put ranch dressing on your Hidden Valley

By Anonym 15 Sep

Warren Ellis

Detective John Tallow, 1st Precinct." "You," said Scarly. "I hate you so much my dick is hard.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Fakeer Ishavardas

Frankly, and factually - people are just screwed up. Am I? Perhaps as much as you, more or less. But not that much as religious nuts. Thank God, I am just nuts.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Carsten Stroud

The weed-whacker dad was helping his kid whack weeds. Dad was blitzed to the eyebrows on beer, and the kid was waving the week whacker around like he was Luke Skywalker. It wasn't going to end well.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Fakeer Ishavardas

I love you all - if you are not people!

By Anonym 15 Sep

Fakeer Ishavardas

All humans are rogues. Cured only by death.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Dinah Maria Mulock Craik

I have seen many a face that was more good-looking — never one that looked half so good.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Terry Pratchett

The other two entered the room. Vimes gave his men his usual look of resigned dismay. "My squad," he mumbled. "Fine body of men," said Lady Ramkin. "The good old rank and file, eh?" "The rank, anyway," said Vimes.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Fakeer Ishavardas

People who do not love dogs, know! When you've bitten dust and lying in your grave, a dog will come by and either crap or piss on you. Of course dogs may do the same on my grave too! But in doing so they'll be embracing me, but oh! they will surely be defecating on you.

By Anonym 16 Sep

John Buchan

He felt singularly light-hearted, and the immediate cause was his safety razor. A week ago he had bought the thing in a sudden fit of enterprise, and now he shaved in five minutes, where before he had taken twenty, and no longer confronted his fellows, at least one day in three, with a countenance ludicrously mottled by sticking-plaster.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Terry Pratchett

I shall fear not. According to the Testament of Mezerek, the fisherman Nonpo spent four days in the belly of a giant fish," said Constable Visit. The thunder seemed particularly loud in the silence. "Washpot, are we talking miracles here?" said Reg eventually. "Or just a very slow digestive process?

By Anonym 17 Sep

Benny Bellamacina

Never say no to now

By Anonym 16 Sep

Jon Ronson

I didn't realize he was a drunk driver,' I said. 'The other superheroes inferred it was just a regular, random guy you were trying to force a taco onto. But still' - I indicate the nearby crack dealers - 'the Taco Incident surely demonstrates how things can inadvertently spiral.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Julian Tuwim

Błogosławiony ten, co nie mając nic do powiedzenia, nie obleka tego faktu w słowa. Cnotliwa kobieta nie goni za mężem, bo kto widział, by pułapka goniła mysz? Egoista: ten, który więcej dba o siebie niż o mnie. Pesymista twierdzi, że wszystkie kobiety to nierządnice. Optymista twierdzi, że nie, ale ma nadzieję. Pojęcia takie jak: wieczność, bezgraniczność zaczynam rozumieć dopiero wtedy, gdy załatwiam jakąś sprawę w urzędzie. Powiedzieć komuś: idiota! – to nie obelga, lecz diagnoza. Różnica między wielbłądem i człowiekiem – wielbłąd może pracować przez tydzień nie pijąc; człowiek może przez tydzień pić nie pracując. Żyj tak, aby znajomym zrobiło się nudno, gdy umrzesz.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Terry Pratchett

We need to borrow your boat," said Vimes. "Bugger off!" "I'm choosing to believe that was a salty nautical expression meaning 'Why, certainly,'" said Vimes.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Louise Burfitt-dons

Karen Andersen was a private investigator with a healthy dose of imagination. So when her phone went off while carrying out a pretend parry riposte, in her mind she was Diana Rigg from the Avengers.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Holly Bennett

...they say [Finn] has tasted the Nuts of Wisdom." Elatha laughed. "Perhaps the Nuts of Wisdom will gird him against your sister.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Terry Pratchett

People look down on stuff like geography and meteorology, and not only because they're standing on one and being soaked by the other.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Matshona Dhliwayo

Men like to borrow kisses because they know they will have to pay them back.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Catherine Deveny

(backpacker having conversation with Lizzie the Australian main character) Backpacker: 'What's the drinking age in Australia?' 'eighteen' 'is that enforced' Lizzie thought for a second before answering seriously, 'yes, they make us drink

By Anonym 15 Sep

A. M. Dean

A good plot should have a strong middle and a spectacular end. But under no circumstances should it have a beginning.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Fakeer Ishavardas

My pal up there, Mr. NOT, has anointed me as the latest messiah. Yeah, just like that! So, don't you dare utter a word against your newest boss, or I'm gonna whup your fat ass.

By Anonym 19 Sep

George Miller

The trouble with eating Italian is that 5 or 6 days later, you're hungry again.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Mark Jackman

The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart,' the inventor said. 'The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm.