Best 478 of Jon Stewart quotes - MyQuotes

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Jon Stewart
By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

America has had to deal with eccentric dictators in the past: Idi Amin, Muammar Qaddafi, Ming the Merciless... but now the security of the world is threatened by Kim Jong-il, a nerdy, pompadoured, platform shoe-wearer who looks like something you'd put on the end of your child's pencil.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

I think the metric by which television is considered liberal is literally based on the metric of liberalism in each person's soul. Peoples' senses of humor tend to go about as far as their ideology.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President's efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

The government is just you know, blowing the doors off the media. And not everywhere, and I think, this is where you know, a lot of those blog reporters and all of those things are bringing a lot of urgency and a lot of momentum to stories that wouldn't normally carry any momentum.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

College is something you complete. Life is something you experience.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

Divorce isn't caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

I wonder who really is the change candidate? It can't be both of them [Hillary Clinton & Barak Obama]. What would be a black man and a woman - how could that be different than the 43 other Presidents we've had?

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

People are very sophisticated consumers of information, and they're pulling all different things.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

This show is our own personal beliefs.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

But that hair? That is comedy entrapment. People are not attacking your hair, they are defending themselves from something that appears like it's about to attack them.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

Poor Al Gore, global warming completely debunked, via the very Internet you invented.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Jon Stewart

We owe Clint Eastwood a debt of thanks. Not only because it was truly a hilarious twelve minutes of improvised "awesome" in a week of scripted "blah". But because it advanced our understanding. This president has issues, and there are very legitimate debates about his policies and actions, and successes and or failures as president - I mean, tune in next week. But I could never wrap my head around why the world, and the president republicans describe, bears so little resemblance to the world and the president that I experience. And now I know why : There is a president Obama that only republicans can see

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

The last thing we'll hear is some scientist saying 'It works!'

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

What are you so mad about? That we still have a government? We still have “traffic lights.” We’re sorry. The government’s not perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

The conversation that the Senate and the House are having with the President [Barack Obama] was very similar to the conversation that [John] McCain and I were having, which was two people talking over each other and nobody really addressing the underlying issues of what kind of country do we want to be.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

The trial of Enron chiefs Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay began four-and-a-half years after perpetrating -- allegedly -- the fraud that led to the second largest bankruptcy in American history. Why four-and-a-half years? Because apparently it's harder to bring Ken Lay to trial than it is to invade two countries.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

You feel kind of weird cheering for chaos. There is that sense that the crazier it gets, the better off we are. Before, when I was part of the American public, I was hoping for a reasonable and quick solution to the impeachment process. Now, I'm hoping for partisan bedlam and chaos. It's really what serves me best.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

When you are actually powerful, you don't need to be petty.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

That is the American experiment. An ethnic group arriving on America's shores, to be reviled and hazed, living in squalor, or if they are lucky Squalor Heights, working hard to give their children or grandchildren the opportunity to sh*t on the next group landing on our shores.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

The beautiful thing about faking a news show is the topicality is delayed.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

The building housing America's military brass is a five-sided pentagon, but somehow, the people in it still manage to make it the squarest place on earth. The latest evidence? A current military document that lists homosexuality as a mental disorder in the same league as mental retardation - noting, of course, the one difference: retarded people can still get into heaven.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

The blow back from the cold war is that a weakened Russia allowed Afghanistan to become a failed state, and then all this weaponry to flow into all these other conflicts. Our greatest triumph has almost fueled our most intractable battle now.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll have another.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

'Powell movement.' What do you think 'PM' stands for?

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

Bush proposed a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Some saw the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others saw it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President... Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

I'm also interviewing a guy who's just written a book about his experience living in Iraq, faced with the type of violence as he said, an unimaginable scale. And I think that the combination of that is very hard to shake.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's being doing.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

Cause if there's one thing Islamic terrorists don't have is....(seriously thinking about it)....%#@&!

By Anonym 16 Sep

Jon Stewart

It is perhaps a sign of the strength of our republic that so few people feel the need to participate. That must be the reason.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

Following revelations that he fathered a love child, the good Reverend Jesse Jackson - or should we say the 'very' good Reverend - is enduring the scandal with the help of family and friends. A scandal which gives clearer meaning to the Rainbow Coalition's Operation 'Push'.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

It's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to have to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights...

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

Bad jokes, and gay marriage are destroying this country - but torture can save it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

Any fool can blow something up. Any fool can destroy. But to see these guys, these firefighters and these policemen and people from all over the country, literally with buckets, rebuilding... that's extraordinary. And that's why we have already won... they can't... it's light. It's democracy. They can't shut that down.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

By Anonym 16 Sep

Jon Stewart

If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.