Best 478 of Jon Stewart quotes - MyQuotes

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Jon Stewart
By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

You cannot judge a book by its contents.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

Fox opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

Really, an historic night last night. You may have heard, Barack Obama will be the first black president of the United States of America. ... Obama is also the first Democrat to receive more than 50 percent of the vote since Jimmy Carter, the first senator to be elected since Jack Kennedy, the first Muslim to be ... I said too much.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

As heirs to a legacy more than two centuries old, it is understandable why present-day Americans would take their own democracy for granted. A president freely chosen from a wide-open field of two men every four years; a Congress with a 99% incumbency rate; a Supreme Court comprised of nine politically appointed judges whose only oversight is the icy scythe of Death -- all these reveal a system fully capable of maintaining itself. But our perfect democracy, which neither needs nor particularly wants voters, is a rarity. It is important to remember there still exist other forms of government in the world today, and that dozens of foreign countries still long for a democracy such as ours to be imposed on them.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

It is hard to get mad at Donald Trump for saying stupid things, in the same way you don't get mad at a monkey when he throws poop at you at the zoo... What does get me angry is the ridiculous, disingenuous defending of the poop-throwing monkey.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

This is what happens when you don't let gays marry; they start designing clothes out of spite.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

The White House released documents it claims validates the president's (National Guard) service ... When deciphered the documents showed that in a one-year period, 1972 and 1973, Bush received credit for nine days of active National Guard service. The traditional term of service then and now for the National Guard is one weekend a month and two full weeks a year, meaning that Bush's nine-day stint qualifies him only for the National Guard's National Guard. That's the National Guard's National Guard, an Army of None.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

No health care for poor kids? You know, I thought something like that was only done by cartoon villains. You're (Pres. Bush) slowly going from being Nixon to Mr. Burns.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

If you break someone's leg, shouldn't you have to be the crutch for a while?

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

The view... from my apartment... was the World Trade Center... and now it's gone, they attacked it. This symbol of American ingenuity, and strength, and labor, and imagination and commerce, and it is gone. But you know what? You know what the view is now? The Statue of Liberty. The view from the South of Manhattan is now the Statue of Liberty. You can't beat that!

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

Oh my god... Kerry is boring even when Bush is reading him.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

There's a disconnect there between - you're telling me this [war in Iraq] is fight of our generation, and you're going to increase troops by 10 percent. And that's gonna do it. I'm sure what [George W.Bush] would like to do is send 400,000 more troops there, but he can't, because he doesn't have them.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

I feel your scorn, and I accept it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

I don't think marijuana should be illegal.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

Nathan Lane's Bus of Broadway Fun will be leaving shortly.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

The rise of secularism has brought about an increase in hostility toward things religious.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records?

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won't have guard dogs.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

Nobody says, hey men should not drink. It's all about women must dress differently, women must walk differently, women must drink differently. Why are we not able to hold men to account for this behavior?

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

Planet Hollywood has shrunk from seventy-five locations around the world to just over thirty-five over the past two years. No new Planet Hollywoods are opening, which in turn has caused a 100 percent decline in opportunities for Bruce Willis to play the harmonica.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

The next four years, though, you still have to abide by the oversight process that is there to prevent this kind of bizarre sort of cult-like atmosphere that falls along. I mean, I accept that kind of veil of secrecy around Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, but I don't accept that around our government.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

All I'm saying is [John McCain] cannot look a soldier in the eye and say "Questioning the president is less supportive to you than extending your tour three months." You should be coming home to your family.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

[Doogal] wasn't even animated. It was still and the audience had to move.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

You may be asking yourself, 'Am I the right type of person to go to this rally?' The fact that you would even stop to ask yourself that question, as opposed to, let's say, just jumping up, grabbing the nearest stack of burnable holy books, strapping on a diaper and pointing your car towards D.C. -- that means I think you just might be right for it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don't worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

It really does seem that the Democrat's problem isn't that they're calling for timetables - it's that they're calling them 'timetables'. You're up against Bush and the Republicans - you've got to bring some zing. Don't call them timetables - call them 'Patriot Dates', 'Freedom Deadlines'... 'Glory Goals'.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

I'm less upset with politicians than the media. I feel like politicians, there is a certain, inherent - you know, the way I always explain it is, when you go to the zoo and a monkey throws its feces, it's a monkey. But, when the zookeeper is standing right there, and he doesn't say bad monkey... Somebody's got to be the zookeeper.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

That, what we're really seeing in Iraq is not a terrible war, but in fact, just the media's portrayal of it.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. That's all it is. All those media companies say, "We're going to make a killing here." You won't because it's still only as good as the content.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

In my head, thought, I would love to do an interview where it's just sort of de-constructed - the talking points of Iraq - sort of the idea of, is this really the conversation we're having about this war? That if we don't defeat Al Qaeda in Iraq, they'll follow us home? That to support the troops means not to question that the surge could work. That, what we're really seeing in Iraq is not a terrible war, but in fact, just the media's portrayal of it.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

When you are actually powerful, you don't need to be petty.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays, so there is a plural, which in the English language necessitates the use of the letter "S." Now, I suppose you could say "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year" but you probably have sh*t to do.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

9/11 references are like Lay's potato chips...no Congress can make just one.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jon Stewart

The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jon Stewart

Everything in Italian sounds like 'Give me your money or I'm going to beat your @$$'.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Jon Stewart

The country's 24 hour political pundit perpetual panic conflictinator did not cause our problems but its existence makes solving them that much harder. The press can hold its magnifying up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic. If we amplify everything we hear nothing.