Best 945 of Ambrose Bierce quotes - MyQuotes

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Ambrose Bierce
By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call war and commerce. These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending and descending.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

History – An account mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

Men who expect universal peace through invention of destructive weapons of war are no wiser than one who, noting the improvement of agricultural implements, should prophesy an end to the tilling of the soil.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

ZIGZAG, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one carrying the white man's burden.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

The ghost is the outward and visible signs of an inward fear.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

Magic: (n) The art of converting superstition into coin.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

LEXICOGRAPHER, n. A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense of recording some particular stage in the development of a language, does what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility and mechanize its methods.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

Brain: an apparatus with which we think that we think. Mind, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a popular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure competitor.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who utters them.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

JOSS-STICKS- Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

REPRESENTATIVE, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver. As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him; So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him, Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him, Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it, And finds at last he might as well have paid it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no effect.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

VIRTUES, n.pl. Certain abstentions.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

Book - Learning : The dunce's derisive term for all knowledge that transcends his own impertinent ignorance.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

Land: A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made the original. It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," which is made by another artist. When the two are mae with equal skill the replica is the more valuable, for it is suppose

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

plagiarism, n. A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable priority and an honorable subsequence.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n. An African insect ("Glossina morsitans") whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American novelist ("Mendax interminabilis").

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. With the growth of prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

No country is so wild and difficult but men will make it a theater of war.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another upon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

Take not God's name in vain; select a time when it will have effect.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

Christian - One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

RIGHTEOUSNESS, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among the Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some feeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it into several European countries . .

By Anonym 15 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

Don't board with the devil if you wish to be fat.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

HOMŒOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

The palmist looks at the wrinkles made by closing the hand and says they signify character. The philosopher reads character by what the hand most loves to close upon.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

Ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been known to wear a moustache.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction - prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and blameless lives.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

The bold and discerning writer who, recognizing the truth that language must grow by innovation if it grow at all, makes new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense has no following and is tartly reminded that 'it isn't in the dictionary' - although down to the time of the first lexicographer no author ever had used a word that was in the dictionary.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Ambrose Bierce

Halpin was pretty generally deprecated as an intellectual black sheep who was likely at any moment to disgrace the flock by bleating in metre. The Tennessee Fraysers were a practical folk - not practical in the popular sense of devotion to sordid pursuits, but having a robust contempt for any qualities unfitting a man for the wholesome vocation of politics.