Best 45 of Marriage humor quotes - MyQuotes

By Anonym 19 Sep

Liesbeth Heenk

Van Gogh on his brother's upcoming marriage: "It’s because he’s in Holland, where he’s getting married one of these days. Now, while not denying the advantages of a marriage in the very least, once it has been done and one is quietly set up in one’s home, the funereal pomp of the reception &c., the lamentable congratulations of two families (even civilized) at the same time, not to mention the fortuitous appearances in those pharmacist’s jars where antediluvian civil or religious magistrates sit – my word – isn’t there good reason to pity the poor unfortunate obliged to present himself armed with the requisite papers in the places where, with a ferocity unequalled by the cruellest cannibals, you’re married alive on the low heat of the aforementioned funereal receptions.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Trisha Ashley

Tish, help me! I’ve cut my wrist on the damned glass – it’s pouring blood – probably an artery! Let me in before I bleed to death!’ ‘Go and bleed over the rose bushes, they’re supposed to thrive on it,’ I suggested heartlessly. He was by now directly underneath me and I couldn’t see any sign of draining arteries. ‘You heartless bitch!’ he raged, which was more like the James I’d come to know and didn’t love.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Fakeer Ishavardas

People who say they do not regret anything in their life, for the next birth too should get the very same wife.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Ana Claudia Antunes

A wise woman has already a rite Where she knows right from left. She usually writes when she's right And always leaves before she's left.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Lyubov Dostoyevskaya

He announced to me that as soon as ever he grows up, he will get married, just because he wants to have little children, whom he likes. ‘There is only one trouble,’ he added, very seriously, ‘I shall have to live all the time with my wife; there is no escape.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Jo Baker

Sarah, in the crush, was able to study Miss Lucas's face discreetly, she wondered what it was like to know that you were to be married, that you would have a home, an income, that you were set up for life. To have achieved all this simply by agreeing to put up with one particular man until he died.

By Anonym 18 Sep

A. K. Kuykendall

She is the keeper of my heart, my soul, my dick and balls.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Courting is an activity where a man and a woman flaunt their virtues. Dating is an activity where life exposes the other’s vices.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Lailah Gifty Akita

O Lord, grant my dearest husband, Jeremiah Nii Mama Akita, the spirit of prayer and the grace to read thy word.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Georgette Heyer

No, but on the other hand you don't enact me Cheltenham tragedies when I've barely swallowed my breakfast.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The boring thing with 'No sex before marriage' is that kids will never get to attend their parents’ wedding.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

To see a man’s true colours, tell him that you don’t plan on having sex with him. To see a woman’s true colours, tell her that you don’t plan on marrying her.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Rose Franken

It had been a beautiful night and she loved him more than ever in the morning. "If it weren't real love," David told her, "if it were only physical, it wouldn't be that way." Claudia, who was only eighteen and who did not know very much about love, had the greatest respect for her husband's superior knowledge of sex. Not that he'd ever led a wild life, or run around, but he'd read a great many books on the subject and knew as much as a doctor.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Amit Abraham

Marriage is like an exam - it has all types of 'Means' - fair and unfair and you pass or fail or even reappear but many a times you earn many 'degrees' of pleasure, pain or mental torture and finally you pass into the other world to be reborn and admitted back to 'PLAY SCHOOL' Why marry at all.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lindsey Rietzsch

As a society, let's all strive to make "old fashioned" the "new fashion". Husbands make it clear to your wives that you are on a mission to become her knight in shining armor.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Luke Rhinehart

We got married: society's solution to loneliness, lust and laundry.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Edith Wharton

Once or twice, in the first days of his marriage, he had asked himself with a slight shiver what would happen if Susy should begin to bore him. The thing had happened to him with other women as to whom his first emotions had not differed in intensity from those she inspired.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Bill Maher

First of all understand that I get it. That there are millions and millions of women who are steely eyed realists. And millions and millions of men who are anything but. However. For lack of a better term I would say that the feminine values are the values of america : Sensitivity is more important than Truth. Feeling are more important than Facts. Commitment is more important than Individuality. Children are more important than People. Safety is more important than Fun. I always hear women say 'Y'know married men live longer'. Yes. And an indoor cat also, lives longer.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Elizabeth Gaskell

If Miss Beresford had not been in such a hurry to marry a poor country clergyman, there was no knowing what she might not have become. But Dixon was too loyal to desert her in her affliction and downfall (alias her married life).

By Anonym 18 Sep

William Shakespeare

Such a mad marriage never was before.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Thabang Gideon Magaola

Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents any more.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Mark W. Boyer

The more she turned right the more I turned wrong.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Robert Philemon Kanyike

Marriage is a labaratory, where the specimen is you yourself.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Trisha Ashley

He let me go so suddenly I staggered. ‘So you settled for respectable dullness, Angel, while I settled for—’ ‘Disreputable excitement!’ I finished for him, rather tartly. ‘And I don’t know why you think my life is dull – especially since we moved here.’ (That was true at least!) ‘Anyway, I’d rather have dullness than be a hanger-on on the fringes of the sort of life you lead.’ ‘You know nothing about the sort of life I lead.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Lailah Gifty Akita

Love protects and preserves in all times.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lailah Gifty Akita

A joyful soul, a grateful spirit full of love and light!

By Anonym 17 Sep

Isaac Marion

Me agarro el estómago de nuevo. —Me siento vacío... Me siento...muerto. Él asiente. —Matri...monio.

By Anonym 18 Sep

J. R. Scott

So, do you not owe it to yourself to bend Andrew’s will to be your own? To make him lose himself to you, so you are one? Is that not why we marry one another? To be one mind, one flesh? -- Mistress Malena Darke

By Anonym 15 Sep

Seth Adam Smith

Darling, I would follow you through the blackest midnight—just not without my trousers!

By Anonym 17 Sep

Amit Abraham

Marriage is a necessary evil

By Anonym 17 Sep

Jane Austen

Mrs. Allen was one of that numerous class of females, whose society can raise no other emotion than surprise at there being any men in the world who could like them well enough to marry them. She had neither beauty, genius, accomplishment, nor manner.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Tennessee Williams

Some single men stop drinking when they git married and others start!

By Anonym 16 Sep

Anthony Trollope

He never quarreled with his wife, but he never talked to her;--he never had time to talk, he was so taken up with speaking.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Jane Austen

It is always incomprehensible to a man that a woman should ever refuse an offer of marriage. A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Scott Schafer

Sure, I was married..."once." Which is why, even to this very day, "never again" continues to be my favorite number.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Pawan Mishra

You need to be my wife to win with me.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Lailah Gifty Akita

Love endures every circumstance; Love never loses hope, never loses faith and never gives up.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Ellen Hopkins

Tying the know means slipping a noose around love and choking it to death.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Bill Maher

First of all understand that I get it. That there are millions and millions of women who are steely eyed realists. And millions and millions of men who are anything but. However. For lack of a better term I would say that the feminine values are the values of america : Sensitivity is more important than Truth. Feelings are more important than Facts. Commitment is more important than Individuality. Children are more important than People. Safety is more important than Fun. I always hear women say 'Y'know married men live longer'. Yes. And an indoor cat also, lives longer.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Oliver Markus Malloy

No two dogs are alike. And yet, all dogs have something in common that makes them dogs, and makes them different from cats. The same goes for men and women. The trouble starts when cats don't realize that dogs are different. Dogs think differently, and perceive the world differently, than cats do. I'm a dog. You're a cat. And a dog knows better what it's like to be a dog than a cat does.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Tayari Jones

I like my mimosas like I like my men...transparent.

By Anonym 15 Sep

David W. Jones

Comparing marriage to football is no insult. I come from the South where football is sacred. I would never belittle marriage by saying it is like soccer, bowling, or playing bridge, never. Those images would never work, only football is passionate enough to be compared to marriage. In other sports, players walk onto the field, in football they run onto the field, in high school ripping through some paper, in college (for those who are fortunate enough) they touch the rock and run down the hill onto the field in the middle of the band. In other sports, fans cheer, in football they scream. In other sports, players ‘high five’, in football they chest, smash shoulder pads, and pat your rear. Football is a passionate sport, and marriage is about passion. In football, two teams send players onto the field to determine which athletes will win and which will lose, in marriage two families send their representatives forward to see which family will survive and which family will be lost into oblivion with their traditions, patterns, and values lost and forgotten. Preparing for this struggle for survival, the bride and groom are each set up. Each has been led to believe that their family’s patterns are all ‘normal,’ and anyone who differs is dense, naïve, or stupid because, no matter what the issue, the way their family has always done it is the ‘right’ way. For the premarital bride and groom in their twenties, as soon as they say, “I do,” these ‘right’ ways of doing things are about to collide like two three hundred and fifty pound linemen at the hiking of the ball. From “I do” forward, if not before, every decision, every action, every goal will be like the line of scrimmage. Where will the family patterns collide? In the kitchen. Here the new couple will be faced with the difficult decision of “Where do the cereal bowls go?” Likely, one family’s is high, and the others is low. Where will they go now? In the bathroom. The bathroom is a battleground unmatched in the potential conflicts. Will the toilet paper roll over the top or underneath? Will the acceptable residing position for the lid be up or down? And, of course, what about the toothpaste? Squeeze it from the middle or the end? But the skirmishes don’t stop in the rooms of the house, they are not only locational they are seasonal. The classic battles come home for the holidays. Thanksgiving. Which family will they spend the noon meal with and which family, if close enough, will have to wait until the nighttime meal, or just dessert if at all? Christmas. Whose home will they visit first, if at all? How much money will they spend on gifts for his family? for hers? Then comes for many couples an even bigger challenge – children of their own! At the wedding, many couples take two candles and light just one often extinguishing their candle as a sign of devotion. The image is Biblical. The Bible is quoted a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one. What few prepare them for is the upcoming struggle, the conflict over the unanswered question: the two shall become one, but which one? Two families, two patterns, two ways of doing things, which family’s patterns will survive to play another day, in another generation, and which will be lost forever? Let the games begin.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Oliver Markus

Only about 3 percent of animal species are monogamous. A couple of penguins, some otters and a few other oddball critters. To these select few it comes natural to mate for life and never look at another member of the opposite sex. Humans are not part of that little club. Like the other 97% of species, humans are not monogamous by nature. We just pretend that we are.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Aristophanes

Chorus of old men: How true the saying: 'Tis impossible to live with the baggages, impossible to live without 'em.