Best 205 of Discworld quotes - MyQuotes

By Anonym 20 Sep

Terry Pratchett

You couldn't be a real copper in Ankh-Morpork and stay sane. You had to care. Anda caring in Ankh-Morpork was like opening a tin of meat in the middle of a piranha school.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Many things went on at Unseen University and, regrettably, teaching had to be one of them. The faculty had long ago confronted this fact and had perfected various devices for avoiding it. But this was perfectly all right because, to be fair, so had the students.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Terry Pratchett

History was full of the bones of good men who'd followed bad orders in the hope that they could soften the blow. Oh, yes, there were worse things they could do, but most of them began right where they started following bad orders.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Are you staying with us? It could be dangerous,' said William, realizing that he was saying this to a vampire iconographer who undied every time he took a picture.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Terry Pratchett

You haven't heard of him? And he is a D'reg!" Mrs Goriff pulled at her husband's arm. "D'reg?" said Angua. "A warlike desert tribe," said Carrot. "Very fierce. Honourable, though. They say that if a D'reg is your friend he's your friend for life." "And if he's not your friend?" "That's about five seconds.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Terry Pratchett

That --ing zombie is going to end up on the end of a couple of --ing handy and versatile kebab skewers,' said Mr Tulip. 'An' then I'm gonna put an edge on this --ing spatula. An' then... then I'm gonna get medieval on his arse.' There were more pressing problems, but this one intrigued Mr Pin. 'How, exactly?' he said. 'I thought maybe a maypole,' said Mr Tulip reflectively. 'An' then a display of country dancing, land tillage under the three-filed system, several plagues and, if my --ing hand ain't too tired, the invention of the --ing horse collar.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Terry Pratchett

There had been a time when the continents were different, Rincewind understood, and then they'd sort of shuffled more comfortably together like puppies on a basket.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Terry Pratchett

The pen is mightier than the sword ... if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Terry Pratchett

That was a dhlang!" he said. "An evil spirit! The peasants down in the valleys hang up charms against them! But I thought they were just a superstition!" "No, they're a substition," said Susan. "I mean they're real, but hardly anyone really believes them. Mostly everyone believes in things that aren't real. Something very strange is going on. Those things are all over the place, and they've got bodies. That's not right. We've got to find the person who built the clock - " "And, er, what are you, Miss Susan?" "Me? I'm...a schoolteacher." She followed his gaze to the wrench that she still carried in her hand, and shrugged. "It can get pretty rough at break time, can it?" said Lobsang.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Another priest said,"Is it true you've said you'll believe in any god whose existence can be proved by logical debate?" "Yes." Vimes had a feeling about the immediate future and took a few steps away from Dorfl. "But the gods plainly do exist," said a priest. "It Is Not Evident." A bolt of lightning lanced down through the clouds and hit Dorfl's helmet. There was a sheet of flame and then a trickling noise. Dorfl's molten armour formed puddles around his white-hot feet. "I Don't Call That Much Of An Argument," said Dorfl calmly, from somewhere in the clouds of smoke.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Gods didn’t mind atheists, if they were deep, hot, fiery, atheists like Simony, who spend their whole life hating gods for not existing. That sort of atheism was a rock. It was nearly belief …

By Anonym 13 Sep

Terry Pratchett

I commend my soul to any god that can find it.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Terry Pratchett

It’s an inconvenience, true enough, and I don’t like it at all, but I know that you do it for everyone, Mister Death. Is there any other way?’ NO, THERE ISN’T, I’M AFRAID. WE ARE ALL FLOATING IN THE WINDS OF TIME. BUT YOUR CANDLE, MISTRESS WEATHERWAX, WILL FLICKER FOR SOME TIME BEFORE IT GOES OUT – A LITTLE REWARD FOR A LIFE WELL LIVED. FOR I CAN SEE THE BALANCE AND YOU HAVE LEFT THE WORLD MUCH BETTER THAN YOU FOUND IT, AND IF YOU ASK ME, said Death, NOBODY COULD DO ANY BETTER THAN THAT . . .

By Anonym 19 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Then it came to her. She did not deserve to die. And she was not alone. She never would be. Not while her land was beneath her boots. Her land. The land of the Achings. She was Tiffany Aching. Not Granny Weatherwax, but a witch in her own right. A witch who knew exactly who she was and how she wanted to do things. Her way. And she had not failed, because she had barely begun...

By Anonym 16 Sep

Terry Pratchett

In front of her the cat Greebo, glad to be home again, lay on his back with all four paws in the air, doing his celebrated something-found-in-the-gutter impersonation.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Two uniformed trolls were standing in front of Sergeant Colon's high desk, with a slightly smaller troll between them. This troll was wearing a slightly downcast expression. It was also wearing a tutu and had a small pair of gauzed wings glued to its back. " - happen to know that trolls don't have any tradition of a Tooth Fairy," Colon was saying. "Especially not one called' - he looked down - "Clinkerbell. So how about we just call it breaking and entering without a Thieves' Guild license?" "Is racial prejudice, not letting trolls have a Tooth Fairy," Clinkerbell muttered. One of the troll guards upended a sack on the desk. Various items of silverwear cascaded over the paperwork. "And this is what you found under their pillows, was it?" said Colon. "Bless dere little hearts," said Clinkerbell.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Wolves hate werewolves.' 'What? That can't be right! When she's wolf-shaped she's just like a wolf!' 'So? When she's human-shaped she's just like a human. And what's that got to do with anything? Humans don't like werewolves. Wolves don't like werewolves. People don't like wolves that can think like people, an' people don't like people who can act like wolves. Which just goes to show that people are the same everywhere.' said Gaspode. He assessed this sentence and added, 'Even when they're wolves.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Ye mustn't be afraid to ask for help. Pride is a good thing, my girl, but it will kill you in time.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Terry Pratchett

where actual evidence had been a bit sparse he had, in the best traditions of the keen ethnic historian, inferred from revealed self-evident wisdom* *Made it up and extrapolated from associated sources** **had read a lot of stuff that other people had made up, too.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Terry Pratchett

What a place! What a situation! What kind of man would put a known criminal in charge of a major branch of government? Apart from, say, the average voter.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Then Tak looked upon the stone and it was trying to come alive, and Tak smiled, and wrote All things strive. And for the service the stone had given, he fashioned it into the first Troll, and delighted in the life that came unbidden.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Terry Pratchett

The Great God Om waxed wroth, or at least made a spirited attempt. There is a limit to the amount of wroth that can be waxed one inch from the ground, and he was right up against it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Guilt was the grease in which the wheels of the authority turned.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Terry Pratchett

You're not suggesting that Vetinari tucks into a nice rat every day?" said Angua. "I've heard he uses rats as spies, so I don't think he'd use them as elevenses," said Carrot.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Terry Pratchett

But too much reading had taken its toll. William found that he now thought of prayer as a sophisticated way of pleading with thunderstorms.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Terry Pratchett

And then there was the much spoken of lock-up. It looked like a giant pepperpot built of stone. A flowering creeper grew up it, and, next to the door and restrained by a chain, there was an enormous pig. When it saw their approach it got on its hind legs, and, tottering somewhat, begged. "This is Masher," said Feeney. "His father was a wild boar, his mother was surprised.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Terry Pratchett

As we all know, the Discworld is a flat planet - like a geological pizza, but without the anchovies.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Terry Pratchett

She taught me so much, she said to herself. She built me as we were walking around after the sheep, and she told me all those things that I needed to know, and the first thing was to look after people. Of course, the other thing had been to look after the sheep.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Terry Pratchett

SOD YOU, THEN, Death said.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Terry Pratchett

On the Kite, the situation was being 'workshopped'. This is the means by which people who don't know anything get together to pool their ignorance.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Terry Pratchett

The trouble with being a god is that you've got no one to pray to.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Vimes was already lost. Oh, there was the sun, but that was just a direction. He could feel it on the side of his face. And the camel rocked from side to side. There was no real way of judging distance, except by haemorrhoids.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Someone broke from the scrum and, punching and kicking, staggered towards the Klatchian goal. "Isn't that man your butler?" said Ahmed. "Yes." "One of your soldiers said he bit a man's nose off." Vimes shrugged. "He's got a very pointed look if I don't use the sugar tongs, I know that.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Corporal Nobbs had been disqualified from the human race for shoving

By Anonym 16 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Don't you squire me. There's something going on down here, something wrong; I can feel it in my boots and, believe me, they're the most sensitive boots that ever were. The man who runs the village pub knows everything - I know that and so do you. If you're not on my side you're in my way and you know something, I can see it in your eyes. If it turns out you knew something of importance about the blacksmith you'll have invited yourself to be an accessory after the fact, with a free option, if I can get the bit between my teeth, of before the fact, which leaves you right in the middle, and that's a fact.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Then she wondered, not for the first time, about the differences between wizards and witches. The main difference, she thought, was that wizards used books and staffs to create spells, big spells about big stuff, and they were men. While witches - always women - dealt with everyday stuff. Big stuff too, she reminded herself firmly. What could be bigger than births and deaths? but why shouldn't this boy want to be a witch? She had chosen to be a witch, so why couldn't he make the same choice? With a start, she realized it was her choice that counted here too. If she was going to be a sort of head witch, she should be able to decide this. She didn't have to ask any other witches. It could be her decision. Her responsibility. Perhaps a first step toward doing things differently?

By Anonym 20 Sep

Terry Pratchett

When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtle would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds. This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Good evening, gentlemen!' said the vampire. 'Please pay attention. I am a reformed vampire, which is to say, I am a bundle of repressed instincts held together with spit and coffee. It would be wrong to say that violent, tearing carnage does not come easily to me. It's not tearing your throats out that doesn't come easily to me. Please don't make it any harder.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Terry Pratchett

If you're going to suggest I try dropping twenty feet down a pitch dark tower in the hope of hitting a couple of greasy little steps which might not even still be there, you can forget it," said Rincewind sharply. "There is an alternative, then." "Out with it, man." "You could drop five hundred feet down a pitch black tower and hit stones which certainly are there," said Twoflower.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Terry Pratchett

YOU WILL NOT TELL THE RIVERS NOT TO FLOW. YOU WILL NOT TELL THE SUN NOT TO SHINE. YOU WILL NOT TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD AND SHOULD NOT DO.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Terry Pratchett

It was a Guild of Assassins, after all. Black was what you wore. The night was black and so were you. And black had such style, and an Assassin without style, everyone agreed, was just a highly paid arrogant thug.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Terry Pratchett

It was funny how people were people everywhere you went, even if the people concerned weren't the people the people who made up the phrase "people are people everywhere" had traditionally thought of as people.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Terry Pratchett

I just think the world ought to be more sort of organized.' 'That's just fantasy,' said Twoflower. 'I know. That's the trouble.' Rincewind sighed again.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Terry Pratchett

HAVE YOU EVER BITTEN REDHOT ICE CUBE? THAT'S CURRY.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Terry Pratchett

The street was full of animals, milling around uncertainly. When animals are in a state of uncertainty they get nervous, and the street was already, as it were, paved with anxiety.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Still, he’d have to eat something and the dark brown goo that half filled the tin was the only available food in this vicinity that didn’t have at least six legs. He didn’t even think about eating mutton. You couldn’t, when it was looking at you so pathetically. He poked the goo with the stick. It gripped the wood like glue. “Gerroff!” A blob eventually came loose. Rincewind tasted it, gingerly. It was just possible that if you mixed yeasty beer and vegetables together you’d get— No, what you got was salty-tasting beery brown gunk. Odd, though…It was kind of horrible, but nevertheless Rincewind found himself having another taste.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Terry Pratchett

No-one likes being told it's their lucky day. That sort of thing does not bode well. When someone tells you it's your lucky day, something bad is about to happen.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Terry Pratchett

The three thieves looked around. As their eyes grew accustomed to the gloom, they received a general impression of armourality, with strong overtones of helmetness.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Have you ever really watched him? I bet he'd found out everything about Jabbar by the time he'd talked to him for ten minutes. I bet he knows the name of every camel. And he'll remember it all. People don't take that much interest in other people, usually.' Her fingers idly traced a pattern in the sand. 'So he makes you feel important.' 'Politicians do that-' Vimes began. 'Not the way he does, believe me. I expect Lord Vetinari remembers facts about people-' 'Oh, you'd better believe that!' '-but Carrot takes an interest. He doesn't even think about it. He makes space in his head for people. He takes an interest, and so people think they're intesting. They feel... better when he's around.