Best 361 of Mitch Hedberg quotes - MyQuotes

Follow
Mitch Hedberg
By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there's other people out there, but you also know that the person who came to see you again is there. You're like, "I hope he's happy again.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll drive for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. What kind of emergency is this? I need to not stop now. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care, it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, "This is what I'm doing for sure." I was so excited.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.