Best 361 of Mitch Hedberg quotes - MyQuotes

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Mitch Hedberg
By Anonym 15 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting." Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? "Hello? Hold on, man, I'm only on 'Enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good, I can see why they hired you!

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll still be like what, so now he's got me yellin. Man that tree is far away

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", but then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky.