Best 15 722 of Humor quotes - MyQuotes

By Anonym 20 Sep

Shirley Jump

You know you're about as forthcoming as a mime.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Greg Milner

When you have two notes from two different performances Auto-Tuned, it sounds like a car horn. And then you add harmonies, and it starts to sound like baby seals honking." - Tom Lord-Alge on Auto-Tune

By Anonym 14 Sep

Dennis Miller

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Mary Sage Nguyen

I will always choose to be an imbecile. I couldn't cut it as an old fashion, and dry gal.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Terry Pratchett

At last the magic caught, and she managed to vault clumsily onto it before it trundled into the night sky as gracefully as a duck with one wing missing.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Lois Greiman

I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet

By Anonym 16 Sep

Stella Lennon

I'll meet you outside," I said. No way was I actually doing to shout 'I have to pee' at the top of my lungs.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Aditya Iyengar

It seems we would rather have a past filled with great scientists than just great artists and writers who could dream up these wonderful and awe-inspiring creations. It's a strange irony: we're spending our time trying to find the truth in our past, but creating myths of ourselves in the present.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Janet Evanovich

As much as I disliked Eddie Kuntz, I could sort of identify with a man who got a stiffie over banana cream pie.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Diana Gabaldon

Amphora,” he murmured against the wide, sweet curve of her lips. His hands slid over the wide, sweet curve of her hips, cupping smoothness cool and solid, timeless and graceful as the swell of ancient pottery, promising abundance. “Like a Grecian vase. God, you’ve got the most beautiful arse!” “Jug-butt, huh?

By Anonym 19 Sep

Darrell Calkins

The trick is in genuinely appreciating the elements of apparent resistance while you are engaging them. Not to oppose or remove them as much as to creatively fold them into one’s linear line of movement, exploiting them and making the necessary adjustments as you go.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Shannon Hale

[Razo] knocked, peered inside, then jumped and shut the door, quiet as brushing two feathers together. He smiled at his own stealth, then swaggered right into a chair, banging it against the wall. You oaf. He cut short his swagger and began to move with exaggerated sneakiness.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Geoff Dyer

In the cramped confines of the toilet I had trouble getting out of my wet trousers, which clung to my legs like a drowning man. The new ones were quite complicated too in that they had more legs than a spider; either that or they didn't have enough legs to get mine into. The numbers failed to add up. Always there was one trouser leg too many or one of my legs was left over. From the outside it may have looked like a simple toilet, but once you were locked in here the most basic rules of arithmetic no longer held true.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Cassandra Clare

This is a powder that when applied to the air causes ghosts to become visible,” Henry said. Magnus tilted the jar of shining grains up to the lamp admiringly, and when Henry beamed in an encouraging fashion, Magnus removed the cork. “It seems very fine to me,” he said, and on a whim he poured it upon his hand. It coated his brown skin, gloving one hand in shimmering luminescence. “And in addition to its practical uses, it would seem to work for cosmetic purposes. This powder would make my very skin glimmer for eternity.” Henry frowned. “Not eternity,” he said, but then he brightened. “But I could make you up another batch whenever you please!” “I could shine at will!” Magnus grinned at Henry

By Anonym 16 Sep

Nancy T. Lucas

I’m after a mugger,” said Scout. “A hugger?” said Clyde. He was a little deaf. “I would imagine you receive plenty of hugs. They probably come to you. Why would you have to go after them?” “NO!” said Ike. “MMMMugger, you nitwit.” He made m-m-m-m noises with his lips.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Marissa Meyer

To be weak.' 'Excuse me?' 'That is his deepest fear. To be, in essence, without power.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Scott Westerfeld

They'll be fine," Wickersham said. "Practice makes perfect." I had to ask. "You practice running away?" "We knew we'd make enemies. Other organizations have fire drills; we have oh-shit-someone-found-our-ass drills.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There probably was a time when the idea of having a toilet inside a house was repulsive.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Ron White

People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Mithat Terje

Hayır ya, hayır! Seks olmadan yaşamak. Bak düşün! Diyorum ki kötü bir şey olmasa. Misal, belki de çayı şekersiz içmek gibi. Başlarda acıdır, ama şekerli içtiğin yıllarda çayın tadını aslında hiç almadığını fark edersin ve artık şekersiz çay ile çok daha mutlusundur. Yok, olmaz. Baksana, balın tadını almasan, balın olmadığı için üzülür müsün? Yine de bal yiyen insanlara bakıp merak etmemek var mıdır?

By Anonym 16 Sep

E. M. Benton

I never said you had to like it. You have to accept it. No regret." -Clare Harding.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Paula Weisflock

A Goddess Adventure represents a combination of heart, head, and soul work

By Anonym 15 Sep

Oscar Wilde

There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Colson Whitehead

The doctor was a frequent visitor at Miss Trumball's establishment, preferring it to the Lanchester house, whose girls had a saturnine disposition in his opinion, as if imported from Maine or other gloom-loving provinces.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Janvier Chouteu-chando

When faced with difficulties, a humble, understanding, appreciative and selfless person finds it easy to win a friend. On the other hand, a temperamental, egoistic, condensing, self-absorbed, self-conceited and narrow-minded person who lacks the basic sense of humility easily loses friends when in distress.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Kimi Alexandre

Never let your character say "how could it get any worse"....it always does.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jim Norton

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Hilary Mantel

In order not to make a liar out of Henry or Katherine, one or the other, the committee men think up circumstances in which the match may have been partly consummated, or somewhat consummated, and to do this they have to imagine every disaster and shame that can occur between a man and a woman alone in a room in the dark.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Wil Wheaton

As an adult, getting paid thousands of dollars a week to say, “Aye, Sir. Course laid in” is a seriously sweet gig, but when I was a teenager, it sucked.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Vann Chow

While I still did not know what self- actualization that sat on the top level of the pyramid meant, I could believe that if I knew I would be able to say something positive about it as well in my life.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Runa Magnus

A problem isn't a real problem till you decide to make it a problem... so what's the problem again?

By Anonym 18 Sep

Lois Greiman

She may be an old flame, but she still smokin'.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Daniel Younger

This existenitalist stuff sure is crap

By Anonym 15 Sep

Criss Jami

An assumption is the joke; truth the punchline.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Anna White

After giving it some thought, I've decided to name my monkey mind Ricky Bobby. I was thinking about Latin names like Javier, but I don't want to make my jumping, distractable self sound mysterious and sexy. Ricky Bobby makes me laugh. A name like that seems silly, not strong. Just a goofy little thing that doesn't know what to do with its hands, likes to go fast, and loves tiny, infant, baby Jesus.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Robert Galbraith

I was nearly christened Eric Bloom Strike,' he said and Robin choked on her water. He laughed as she coughed into a napkin. 'Let's face it, Cormoran's not much bloody better. Cormoran Blue—' 'Blue?' 'Blue Öyster Cult, aren't you listening?' 'God,' said Robin. 'You keep that quiet.' 'Wouldn't you?

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bill Cosby

I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

You cannot really stop aging. You can only delay or hide some of its effects.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Bill Engvall

My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that ... discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was ... gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!

By Anonym 19 Sep

John Collier

There are some young almond tress, which ordinarily look as if drawn by a childish hand. Now, as the wind sets their weak branches gibbering, they seem like shamanistic scratches on the white bone of the brittle bright night.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Bauvard

Use condoms; it’s wise not to gamble with your children's future.

By Anonym 16 Sep

E. L. James

From: Anastasia Steele Subject: Moaning Date: May 31 2011 19:39 EST To: Christian Grey Gotta go. Laters, baby. ..... From: Christian Grey Subject: Plagiarism Date: May 31 2011 16:41 To: Anastasia Steele You stole my line. And left me hanging. Enjoy your dinner. Christian Grey CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Robert Benchley

She sleeps alone at last.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Chris Rock

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Douglas Adams

This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person is me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I’d gotten the time of the train wrong. I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table. I want you to picture the scene. It’s very important that you get this very clear in your mind. Here’s the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There’s a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase. It didn’t look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it. Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There’s nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies. You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know… But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn’t do anything, and thought, What am I going to do? In the end I thought Nothing for it, I’ll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, That settled him. But it hadn’t because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie. Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice…” I mean, it doesn’t really work. We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away. Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and st back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies. The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who’s had the same exact story, only he doesn’t have the punch line.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Julie Miller

You're Miss F's boyfriend?" Danny looked up in disbelief, his gaze following Jim around the room. "You're real?" Tommy echoed the same surprise. "Dude, I thought she was some sad old lady like my mom, making up stories about her dead boyfriend." "Shut up, Tommy." Jim paused near her desk. "You talked about me? You said I'm your boyfriend?" "Dead boyfriend," Danny corrected. "Shut up." Natalie and Jim silenced the frightened vandals in unison. "We were reading Romeo and Juliet," she explained, trying to diminish the importance of the boys' nervous rambling that had revealed far more than she cared to. "Talking about love and tragedy." "They were like, from rival gangs," Tom informed Jim unnecessarily. "Enough, Tommy." The seventeen year-old chose now to remember something she'd taught in class? "These are the two boneheads who've been giving you grief?" Natalie nodded."I thought I'd handled it." Jim holstered his gun and pulled out his phone. "I don't know if I'm flattered to learn that you claimed to love me, or pissed off to hear that you think of us as a tragedy.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mark Twain

A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Nicole Mckay

A brick could be used for note delivery, from the KKK.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Janvier Chouteu-chando

Male writers who never find the stabilizing force of an understanding woman in their lives usually end up as the jaded figures of their days, the types who give much artistic expression to the world, but who are lonely in their overcrowded worlds of love.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Mary Kate

One of the most amazing things that we often forget is this: God never forgets us! Face it; you could hide under a rock, BUT, God will still be beside you saying, "Rock bottom, already?