Best 15 722 of Humor quotes - MyQuotes
I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it.
She swore she'd never turn into her P.I. father...but that was before she ran over the body.
suddenly I’m that chick from Fatal Attraction. Next thing you know, I’ll be boiling rabbits.
You're right [Joshua], I have taught you nothing. I could teach you nothing. Everything that you needed to know was already there. You simply needed the word for it. Some need Kali and Shiva to destroy the world so they may see past the illusion to divinity in them, others need Krishna to drive them to the place where they may perceive what is eternal in them. Others may perceive the Divine Spark in themselves only by realizing through enlightenment that the spark resides in all things, and in that they find kinship. But because the Divine Spark resides in all, does not mean that all will discover it. Your dharma is not to learn, Joshua, but to teach." "How will I teach my people about the Divine Spark?" ... "You must only find the right word. The Divine Spark is infinite, the path to find it is not. The beginning of the path is the word.
Wisdom is one of the few things that looks bigger the further away it is.
One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?
Some people want to kill goliath but they do not want to attend to sheep. How can God use you to kill giants if you cannot follow simple instructions?
Earl had let Bertie off the porch for some fresh grass and I didn't want Dr. Eustace to see her. She still looked as though we'd put Hannibal Lecter in charge of her shearing and had hired the special effects team from Night of the Living Dead to bandage her.
The Old Testament is actually pretty raunchy. You might enjoy it.
He'd done his walls with paint from Holy Basil. God, I yearned for their colors. I hadn't been able to afford them myself but I knew their color chart like the back of my hand. His hall was done in Gangrene, his stairs in Agony and his living room--unless I was very much mistaken--in Dead Whale. Colors I personally very much approved of.
We skipped right over Walmart on the ladder down.
Maybe Harry Potter is real and you're not.
Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.
I'd love to go out with you, but I'd hate to deprive some village of its idiot.
Are you sure you guys will all…fit?” The looks on his brothers’ faces had Orion almost laughing loudly, but he held himself in check so he didn’t embarrass Syd or make her think she couldn’t ask them questions. But he couldn’t help but smile at Sterling’s proud grin and Crux’s worried frown. Sterling clearly took the question as a compliment, while Crux was most likely now wondering if it was possible.
It’s sarcasm, Josh.” “Sarcasm?” “It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.” “Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.” “There you go, you got it.” “Got what?” “Sarcasm.” “No, I meant it.” “Sure you did.” “Is that sarcasm?” “Irony, I think.” “What’s the difference?” “I haven’t the slightest idea.” “So you’re being ironic now, right?” “No, I really don’t know.” “Maybe you should ask the idiot.” “Now you’ve got it.” “What?” “Sarcasm.
You can love what you see in the mirror, but you can't self-esteem your way out of the way the world treats you.
The other day, we went somewhere, and did something.
Surely there was not another soul in England that could delude themselves like I could.
No. I'm done with it. Dating...is apparently not for me." "So, what, you're just going to do hookups?" "No, I can't do that. The whole 'emotional connection' thing. God, I'm a girl." "You're definitely not a girl. You're a nice guy whose dick is just tightly connected to his heartstrings. Nothing wrong with that. I'm actually kind of envious.
Masturbating the meaning of life since 1987. #lovewithmeneverdies
If you'd told em you killed a blind gramma, they'd have stayed to eat the pizza and cake. Free is free.
But Phoebe loved her mother best as she was now, wistful, out-of-step, her laugh tinged always with sadness, as if things were only funny in spite of themselves.
Searching through Monster.com while on the clock feels like being on Tinder while still married.
PRECOGNITION, TELEPATHY, BULLSHIT! EAT MY DONG, YOU EXTRASENSORY TURKEY!
How ya doing?” Gabby’s face came into view, and she grinned down at me. She’d stopped doing her healing thing, and the pain rushed in. “I’m just peachy,” I quipped, throat scratchy. “Only hurts when I breathe or blink or exist, if I’m being honest.
Some critics argue about the exact number of millions of people murdered in the socialist Wholecaust (of which the Holocaust was a part) under Stalin, Mao, Hitler, and other socialists. I remember the retort of the historian Dr. Rex Curry: a million murdered here, a million murdered there, pretty soon you are talking a lot of people.
Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.
Okay, that was, I have to say, about the cheesiest thing I ever heard in my life,” I say to Angela as we’re milling around afterward. We hug, so Billy can take our picture. “I mean, seriously. Just be? You should write ads for Nike.
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
What is this vision? It is a presentimiento! A foreboding ominous happy confusing feeling that strikes a person when they are dreaming and sleepwalking and when they gaze into a mirror!
Millions of sane people would each be sexually attracted to their own parent or child if they were not related to them.
Albert Campion: 'I’m serious!' Lugg: 'That’s unhealthy in itself.
The door buzzer sounded again. The two boys exchanged a single look before both bolting down the narrow hallway to the door. Jordan got there first. He grabbed for the coatrack that stood by the door, ripped the coats off it, and flung the door wide, the rack held aboe his head like a javelin. On the other side of the door was Jace. He blinked. "Is that a coatrack?" Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. "If you'd been a vampire, this would have been a lot more useful." "Yes," said Jace. "Or, you know, just someone with a lot of coats.
You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.
Nor is it of much Importance to us to know the Manner in which Nature executes her laws; 'tis enough to know the Laws themselves.
This is how you get through life: duck.
When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.
She shocks the hell out of me when she asks, "Did you get engaged, Jade? She looks at me seriously. It's really hard for me not to just laugh hysterically in her face, but I refrain from doing so because I'm a good friend, and I realize that she's in distress. But her next question very nearly blows me away.
Gods take whoever designed this crawlspace and jam them inside a sardine can. Then put that sardine can inside a pill box and shoot both into a black hole. Ugh, and I am having a very long discussion with Orn and his habit of throwing old candy sticks through the grates!
Get Something which you deserve, don't cry for something what you want.
If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.
When she brought Mira up, Eve gave Roarke another glance. "Don't talk to him," she warned. "He can get bitchy when he's in this deep. I don't know if we have any of that tea stuff." "I had it stocked, and I don't get bitchy. Bloody, buggering HELL." Eve just rolled her eyes and got the tea.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
I used to jog but it's bad for the knees. Too much beta carotene turns you orange, too much calcium gives you kidney stones. Health kills.
The world economy would collapse if a significant number of people were to realize and then act on the realization that it is possible to enjoy many if not most of the things that they enjoy without first having to own them.
Old age is not just for grown up's
When it comes to your self-esteem, it is best not to value the opinions of deluded psychopaths.
everybody fancies they have that rare thing, a sense of humour.
This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in ten thousand pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over fourteen thousand dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.