Best 15 722 of Humor quotes - MyQuotes

By Anonym 18 Sep

Terry Pratchett

That's Third Thoughts for you. When a huge rock is going to land on your head, they're the thoughts that think: Is that an igneous rock, such as granite, or is it sandstone?

By Anonym 16 Sep

Seanan Mcguire

If it had been my decision, you would still be sleeping, and I would be hoping every hour of every night you lived was filled with the foulest of dreams.” “My only nightmare in this moment is the quality of the mattress you saw fit to place me on,” said Simon. “Really, brother, have you never heard of lumbar support?

By Anonym 16 Sep

Ilona Andrews

Go play your games with Jim. I'll find you both when I need you." Arrogant asshole. "I tell you what, if you find us before those three days run out, I'll cook you a damn dinner and serve it to you naked." "Is that a promise?" "Yes. Go fuck yourself.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Compton Gage

You are alone. But you seems not afraid- though you weary with your groaning; wandering far off in the wilderness and your eyes, consumed because of your grief; waxed old while you're still young.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Cassi Clark

In case you haven't heard, let me tell you now, babies do not come out knowing how to breastfeed.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Charles Schulz

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Why me?", then a voice answers "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Ellen Degeneres

Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate offers!

By Anonym 16 Sep

Ljupka Cvetanova

His boat sank. They were all on his side.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Sheldon Lee Compton

{T}here hung that mirror still. Splotches like mold or something had collected from the corners toward the middle, but Brown was able to see enough of himself in it to feel a fair amount of disgust. No more than the usual amount. He scratched at his chin growth. Did a rat eat your razors? That's what his daddy would say. He wished his chin jutted out more like Clint Eastwood or James Dean or whotheheckever. Instead, you could barely see his chin, it hid so far back against his neck.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Allison Van Diepen

I must do whatever I can to find the best partners possible." "Did you kick their butts?" He frowned. "The buttocks are among the least sensitive places to hit someone." I laughed. "It's a figure of speech." "To kick butts. Interesting.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

By Anonym 18 Sep

Leigh Bardugo

She’d been so docile that Nina had become concerned. “Maybe she’s not getting enough blood to her brain?” she’d murmured to Matthias.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lisa Kleypas

Alone-sex didn't count. It's like the difference between thinking to yourself or having a good conversation with someone----the pleasure is in the exchange." -Liberty Jones

By Anonym 16 Sep

Daniel Pinkwater

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Eat pudding. Books are good. Eat pudding. If kids read a lot. Eat pudding. They'll get so they can think clearly. Eat pudding. And if enough kids read and think. Eat pudding. We will have world peace. Eat pudding. Thank you very much. Eat pudding.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Katherine Mcintyre

Are you telling me Kara Orris is afraid of rain?” Hunter’s grin twisted into a smirk as his eyes lit up, relishing his new discovery with absolute delight. “Why, that’s adorable!

By Anonym 19 Sep

A. A. Gill

Venice is a Dorian Gray city. Somewhere up there in the world's attic, there's another place with the haggard, poxed and ravaged face of unspeakable evil. And I suspect it's Cardiff.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Anna White

I can't say for sure if I'm better off, since I have no way of knowing what would have been. I could have traveled to exotic places and kissed exotic men in the moonlight. Or I could have ended living alone in a dumpy apartment with the flesh eating virus I contracted from a public toilet. Could haves are always a great unknown.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Bertolt Brecht

Carpenter: "Call Shen Te, someone! She's good!" Shui Ta: "Certainly. She's ruined.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Honeya

If u want to work in Corporate, then u should know how to play Chess.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Shel Silverstein

True story This morning I jumped on my horse And went for a ride, And some wild outlaws chased me And shot me in the side. So I crawled into a wildcats cave To find a place to hide But some pirates found me sleeping there And soon they had me tied To a pole and built a fire Under me---I almost cried Till a mermaid came and cut me loose And begged to be my bride So I said id come back Wednesday But I must admit I lied. Then I ran into a jungle swamp But I forgot my guide And I stepped into some quicksand And no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get out, until I met A watersnake named Clyde Who pulled me to some cannibals Who planned to have me fried But an eagle came and swooped me up And through the air we flied But he dropped me in a boiling lake A thousand miles wide And you’ll never guess what I did then--- I DIED

By Anonym 17 Sep

Montaigne

Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Elias Zapple

The table was covered with food like roast chicken, roast potatoes, roast parsnips, roast turkey, roast liquorice and, the centrepiece, a roasted knight.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Louis De La Forge

The spirits of the brain are directly connected to the testicles. This is why men who weary their imagination in books are less suitable for procreative functions...

By Anonym 16 Sep

S. E. Jakes

How the hell did you know where I was?" Prophet demanded. Cillian said simply, "Don't bother searching your phone for chips." "Then how did you know?" "Prophet, I know everything." Fuck him. Cillian did.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Douglas Adams

He wondered if it was safe to grin. Very slowly and carefully, he grinned. It was safe.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Mark Twain

No! You mean you're the late CHarlemagne; you must be six or seven hundred years old, at the very least." "Trouble has done it, Bilgewater, trouble has done it; trouble has brung these gray hairs and this premature balditude.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was and is still a prince.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Rachel Caine

I love it when you talk dirty physics.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Holly Hood

It was a little difficult to take him seriously when he sang along to a song about a woman taking another woman's man.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Devon Ashley

I asked you here today because the police department asked me to assess your mental health." I huffed and rolled my eyes. "Already? Seriously? It's been a week." I am fucking sunshine.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Olivia Cunning

The past can't be changed," she said. "The future can't be predicted. All we really have is the present. So none of that matters to me.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Iris Murdoch

Christ, I loathe women. But I can't get going on the other tack either. And you needn't blush and look coy, I never fancied you. I know what you got up to with Fritzie Eitel! No—but I'd have had old Wilfred if he'd asked me. What did old Wilfred do for sex? No one ever knew. Perhaps he didn't have any, and if so good on him.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Terry Pratchett

We got the spell exactly right. Except for the ingredients. And most of the poetry. And it probably wasn’t the right time. And Gytha took most of it home for the cat, which couldn’t of been proper.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Hank Moody

When it comes to emotions, women know how to paint with the full set of oils, while men are busy doodling with crayons.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Erma Bombeck

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Lois Greiman

Beauty is only skin deep, but who gives a shit what's under their skin anyway?

By Anonym 15 Sep

George Carlin

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Oscar Wilde

It is a very dangerous thing to know one’s friends.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Chandan Sharma

If I'll be funnier than this, I'll become a joke.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Michelle M. Pillow

When people get into their 30s plus "boyfriend" sounds weird...if you really think about it. Instead, I think we should universally start using the term "manfriend" or "snookie bookie cuddles pie".

By Anonym 16 Sep

Sean Danker

Explosives, explosives. Feels like all we ever do is blow things up. Not very Evagardian." "Or extremely Evagardian, depending on your perspective," Deilani said.

By Anonym 16 Sep

L. T. Vargus

Every time I write a personal check, I feel like I've gone back in time. What year is it? Who's president? Do I even have the right to vote?

By Anonym 15 Sep

Gina Barreca

Boys are rewarded for playing games where they line up by height and then run into walls. Perhaps I'm making that up--or perhaps you should do a Google search for "Guy Runs into Wall for Fun." Not only do women hold up half the sky; we do it while carrying a 500-pound purse. From age sixteen to age twenty, a woman's body is a temple. From twenty-one to forty-five, it's an amusement park. From forty-five on, it's a terrarium. Bring your sense of humor with you at all times. Bring your friends with a sense of humor. If their friends have a sense of humor, invite them, too

By Anonym 16 Sep

Russell Beland

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man".

By Anonym 16 Sep

Michael Summers

I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world’s best ventriloquist.

By Anonym 16 Sep

C. B. Cook

I'm your friend, and friends don't let friends die.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Samuel Butler

Peter remained on friendly terms with Christ notwithstanding Christ's having healed his mother-in-law.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Edward Harris

The difference between a man and a woman is whether to ask for directions.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Steven Ivy

The problem with all politicians is that they are human.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Tana French

How's Alison getting on?' Conway snorted. 'Tucked up in the sick room like she's dying in some season finale. Little fadey voice on her and all. She's having a great old time.