Best 15 722 of Humor quotes - MyQuotes

By Anonym 13 Sep

Joan Rivers

But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Dani Alexander

Peter to Austin: "Hard-ons don't make you think less. They make you think stupid. Which makes me think you must have one 24/7.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Leo Durocher

I've never questioned the integrity of an umpire. Their eyesight, yes.

By Anonym 17 Sep

William Shakespeare

Nay, 'twill be this hour ere I have done weeping. All the kind of the Launces have this very fault. I have received my proportion, like the prodigious son, and am going with Sir Proteus to the Imperial's court. I think Crab, my dog, be the sourest-natured dog that lives. My mother weeping, my father wailing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat wringing her hands, and all our house in a great perplexity, yet did not this cruel-hearted cur shed one tear. He is a stone, a very pebble stone, and has no more pity in him than a dog. A Jew would have wept to have seen our parting. Why, my grandam, having no eyes, look you, wept herself blind at my parting. Nay, I'll show you the manner of it. This shoe is my father. No, this left shoe is my father. No, no, this left shoe is my mother. Nay, that cannot be so neither. Yes, it is so, it is so -- it hath the worser sole. This shoe with the hole in it is my mother, and this my father. A vengeance on't! There 'tis. Now, sir, this staff is my sister, for, look you, she is as white as a lily and as small as a wand. This hat is Nan, our maid. I am the dog. No, the dog is himself, and I am the dog -- O, the dog is me, and I am myself. Ay, so, so. Now come I to my father: 'Father, your blessing.' Now should not the shoe speak a word for weeping. Now should I kiss my father -- well, he weeps on. Now come I to my mother. O, that she could speak now like a wood woman! Well, I kiss her -- why, there 'tis: here's my mother's breath up and down. Now come I to my sister; mark the moan she makes. Now the dog all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a word!

By Anonym 16 Sep

Nick Hornby

I took her outside on to a little roof terrace that looked like it never got the sun at nay time of the day r year, but there was a picnic table and a grill out there anyway. Those little grills are everywhere in England, right? To me they've come to represent the trumph of hope over circumstance, seeing as all you can do is peer at them out the window through the pissing rain.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Richard Benson

Q: Explain the concept of homeostasis? A: It is when you stay at home all day and don’t go out.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Amy A. Bartol

That's prehistoric," I say, narrowing my eyes. "And a Saer?" "Scary cat," Wayra fills in. "How scary?" "You see me running?" Wayra counters grimly.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Michael Summers

I had a dream about you last night. We moved into a cabin in the countryside. I couldn't handle the spiders. You couldn't handle my drama. I moved back to the city.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Belva Rae Staples

You'll never get anything done by sitting on your hands or by wringing them. Try getting them dirty for a change and you'll be surprised by how much you can accomplish.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Sol Luckman

shadow side: (n.) self you encounter when you do not look in the mirror.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Genereux Philip

These Hoes Just Gon Fuck Who Ever Poppin , You Better Be Careful, When you fuck em' Raw!

By Anonym 19 Sep

Doughlas Adams

We apologize for the inconvenience - God's Final Message to His Creation

By Anonym 15 Sep

Ibrahim Hanif

Confidence is the underwear of achievement

By Anonym 14 Sep

Billy Connolly

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Melika Dannese Lux

I used to ask myself, ‘Sergei, would you rather spend your money on drink or women?’ and thanks to the club, I spend it on both and am called a patron of the arts.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Henny Youngman

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Donald Barthelme

He gives her his Art History lecture. ‘Then you get Mo-net and Ma-net, that’s a little tricky, Mo-net was the one did all the water lilies and shit, his colors were blues and greens, Ma-net was the one did Bareass on the Grass and shit, his colors were browns and greens. Then you get Bonnard, he did all the interiors and shit, amazing light, and then you get Van Guk, he’s the one with the ear and shit, and Say-zanne, he’s the one with the apples and shit, you get Kandinsky, a bad mother, all them pick-up-sticks pictures, you get my man Mondrian, he’s the one with the rectangles and shit, his colors were red yellow and blue, you get Moholy-Nagy, he did all the plastic thingummies and shit, you get Mar-cel Du-champ, he’s the devil in human form….’ She’s asleep.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Bill Bailey

Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'

By Anonym 13 Sep

Mitch Hedberg

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Troy Soos

I had only four hairs worth shaving, but I managed to inflict five cuts attempting to remove them.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Yatin Patel

High Maintenance; I don’t like to live in place that snows a lot, albeit I’d love to visit one. I won’t marry a super model, albeit date one.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Gloria Gaynor

People always want to ask me about my drug problem - I never had a drug problem; I had a self-esteem problem!

By Anonym 17 Sep

Pete Abilla

No cookie is a good cookie

By Anonym 13 Sep

Bob Monkhouse

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jodi Picoult

Babies don't come with instruction booklets. You'd learn the same way we all do -- you'd read up on dinosaurs, you'd Google backhoes and skidders. And you don't need a penis to go buy a baseball glove.

By Anonym 14 Sep

John Ruskin

The best work never was and never will be done for money.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Barack Obama

I've got daughters. Nine years old and six years old. First of all, I'm gonna teach them about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don't want them PUNISHED with a baby.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Bauvard

Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?

By Anonym 15 Sep

Alan Beck

Boys are found everywhere- on top of, underneath, inside of, climbing on, swinging from, running around or jumping to. Mothers love them, little girls hate them, older sisters and brothers tolerated them, adults ignore them and Heaven protects them. A boy is Truth with dirt on its face, Beauty with a cut on its finger, Wisdom with bubble gum in its hair and the Hope of the future with a frog in its pocket. A boy is a magical creature- you can lock out of your workshop, but you can't lock him out of your heart. You can get him out of your study, but you can't get him out of your mind. Might as well give up- he is your captor, your jailor, your boss and your master- a freckled-faced, pint-sized, cat-chasing bundle of noise. But when you come home at night with only the shattered pieces of your hopes and dreams, he can mend them like new with two magic words- 'Hi, Dad!

By Anonym 17 Sep

Kylie Gilmore

Liz pasted on a smile, trying to appear normal in light of the fact that he had possibly incriminating knowledge on her from the background check. She hoped her application for a marriage license with Craig wasn't in the report. Or her long shopping record for organization systems from The Container Store. Or her many Internet searches for breeds of nonshedding dogs (she was waiting for the house with a yard before getting one). Or her long-time obsession with new cleaning products.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Cecelia Ahern

So I left my wonderfully intelligent family and soaked myself in the bath and considered drowning myself. Then I remembered I still had chocolate cake left over from yesterday so I came back up for air. Some things are worth living for.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Rodney Romig

When you’re poor and hungry and frightened of failure, you often don’t have the luxury of high values, lofty goals, and social conscience. Funny how fear and poverty will acid-wash your value set, burn away all the flimflam and artifice and learned morality and leave you with nothing but the urgency of survival. - Dr. Dan Trix - Chasing the Horizon.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Zoe Sugg

Rekao sam ti,” he whispers in my ear. “What does that mean?” I say. “I told you so, in Croatian. You didn’t say I couldn’t say it in Croatian.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Candace Bowen Early

Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Hubert Martin

It only took a corny joke, but the smile I saw shone brighter than a glare, more profound than a star. And the best thing... it was so genuine. It was so her. I never thought I could fall more in love.

By Anonym 20 Sep

John Steinbeck

While the churches, bringing the sweet smell of piety for the soul, came in prancing and farting like brewery horses in bock-beer time, the sister evangelism, with release and joy for the body, crept in. silently and greyly, with its head bowed and its face covered.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Frank Carson

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Cat Patrick

There was an awkward silence Until I throw a rock at it

By Anonym 20 Sep

Lewis Carroll

Why it's simply impassible! Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible? Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!

By Anonym 16 Sep

Manu Dhawan

In a caffeinated state of mind, I talk many languages. A few hours later, I say hello to a known stranger.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Gennifer Albin

What do you have in mind? Rebuild the city?" Eric asks. "Or should we skip to the repopulating part?" "Shut up," Jost commands. "You aren't funny." "Why? That's the nice part of getting stuck on a completely forsaken piece of dirt." "You better hope that you find someone to help you do it then, because she's taken. I'm sure there's a nice dog around here somewhere. Maybe you should stick to your own species," Jost says.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Piccolo Fortunato

Interns, unite: you have nothing to lose but your unpaid positions!

By Anonym 18 Sep

Kd Williamson

She turned to Stephanie. "I'm going to the bathroom. You coming?" "Yes, since women have to travel in pairs." Tonya chuckled. Once that were around the corner, Stephanie pounced. "Holy crap! I've never seen you like that before. Not that I ever had the chance, but holy shit, Tonya, you need to jump on this train. I think it's coming for you whether you want it to or not.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Bauvard

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Lisa Kleypas

There was some kind of commotion going on in the suite, which shouldn't have been a surprise considering it was his family's suite. The air was filled with cursing, exclamations, and grunts of physical combat. "Leo?" Beatrix appeared from the main receiving room and hurried over to them. "Beatrix, darling!" Leo was amazed by the difference the past two and a half years had made in his youngest sister. "How you've grown--" "Yes, never mind that," she said impatiently, snatching the ferret from him. "Go in there and help Mr. Rohan!" "Help him with what?" "He's trying to stop Merripen from killing Dr. Harrow." "Already?" Leo asked blankly, and rushed into the receiving room.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Rachel Gibson

He’d spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he’d been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home

By Anonym 13 Sep

Jerry Coleman

Even though the ball was doubled, they got it anyway.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Stella Lennon

I'll meet you outside," I said. No way was I actually doing to shout 'I have to pee' at the top of my lungs.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Kathy Griffin

To this day, the behavior of straight men is something I’ve never been able to wrap my head around. Have you ever met one? They’re really weird. Sometimes they want to have sex without A Chorus Line playing in the background. Yuck. How is that even possible?

By Anonym 16 Sep

Eloisa James

He rarely saw a doorway without advancing through it as if he owned it. Since he owned a good many doorways, he would have pointed out that this was a reasonable assumption.