Best 15 722 of Humor quotes - MyQuotes

By Anonym 13 Sep

Frank Carson

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Lida Sideris

She swore she'd never turn into her P.I. father...but that was before she ran over the body.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Darynda Jones

suddenly I’m that chick from Fatal Attraction. Next thing you know, I’ll be boiling rabbits.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Christopher Moore

You're right [Joshua], I have taught you nothing. I could teach you nothing. Everything that you needed to know was already there. You simply needed the word for it. Some need Kali and Shiva to destroy the world so they may see past the illusion to divinity in them, others need Krishna to drive them to the place where they may perceive what is eternal in them. Others may perceive the Divine Spark in themselves only by realizing through enlightenment that the spark resides in all things, and in that they find kinship. But because the Divine Spark resides in all, does not mean that all will discover it. Your dharma is not to learn, Joshua, but to teach." "How will I teach my people about the Divine Spark?" ... "You must only find the right word. The Divine Spark is infinite, the path to find it is not. The beginning of the path is the word.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Terry Pratchett

Wisdom is one of the few things that looks bigger the further away it is.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Spike Milligan

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?

By Anonym 18 Sep

Patience Johnson

Some people want to kill goliath but they do not want to attend to sheep. How can God use you to kill giants if you cannot follow simple instructions?

By Anonym 16 Sep

Susan Juby

Earl had let Bertie off the porch for some fresh grass and I didn't want Dr. Eustace to see her. She still looked as though we'd put Hannibal Lecter in charge of her shearing and had hired the special effects team from Night of the Living Dead to bandage her.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Nicki Elson

The Old Testament is actually pretty raunchy. You might enjoy it.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Marian Keyes

He'd done his walls with paint from Holy Basil. God, I yearned for their colors. I hadn't been able to afford them myself but I knew their color chart like the back of my hand. His hall was done in Gangrene, his stairs in Agony and his living room--unless I was very much mistaken--in Dead Whale. Colors I personally very much approved of.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Tyler Barton

We skipped right over Walmart on the ladder down.

By Anonym 17 Sep

John Green

Maybe Harry Potter is real and you're not.

By Anonym 16 Sep

G. G. Silverman

Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Lois Greiman

I'd love to go out with you, but I'd hate to deprive some village of its idiot.

By Anonym 15 Sep

R. E. Butler

Are you sure you guys will all…fit?” The looks on his brothers’ faces had Orion almost laughing loudly, but he held himself in check so he didn’t embarrass Syd or make her think she couldn’t ask them questions. But he couldn’t help but smile at Sterling’s proud grin and Crux’s worried frown. Sterling clearly took the question as a compliment, while Crux was most likely now wondering if it was possible.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Christopher Moore

It’s sarcasm, Josh.” “Sarcasm?” “It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.” “Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.” “There you go, you got it.” “Got what?” “Sarcasm.” “No, I meant it.” “Sure you did.” “Is that sarcasm?” “Irony, I think.” “What’s the difference?” “I haven’t the slightest idea.” “So you’re being ironic now, right?” “No, I really don’t know.” “Maybe you should ask the idiot.” “Now you’ve got it.” “What?” “Sarcasm.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Gabrielle Union

You can love what you see in the mirror, but you can't self-esteem your way out of the way the world treats you.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Colby Buzzell

The other day, we went somewhere, and did something.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Sharon Cameron

Surely there was not another soul in England that could delude themselves like I could.

By Anonym 17 Sep

B. Snow

No. I'm done with it. Dating...is apparently not for me." "So, what, you're just going to do hookups?" "No, I can't do that. The whole 'emotional connection' thing. God, I'm a girl." "You're definitely not a girl. You're a nice guy whose dick is just tightly connected to his heartstrings. Nothing wrong with that. I'm actually kind of envious.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Pat R

Masturbating the meaning of life since 1987. #lovewithmeneverdies

By Anonym 16 Sep

Stephen King

If you'd told em you killed a blind gramma, they'd have stayed to eat the pizza and cake. Free is free.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Jennifer Egan

But Phoebe loved her mother best as she was now, wistful, out-of-step, her laugh tinged always with sadness, as if things were only funny in spite of themselves.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Crystal Woods

Searching through Monster.com while on the clock feels like being on Tinder while still married.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Stephen King

PRECOGNITION, TELEPATHY, BULLSHIT! EAT MY DONG, YOU EXTRASENSORY TURKEY!

By Anonym 16 Sep

Laura Kreitzer

How ya doing?” Gabby’s face came into view, and she grinned down at me. She’d stopped doing her healing thing, and the pain rushed in. “I’m just peachy,” I quipped, throat scratchy. “Only hurts when I breathe or blink or exist, if I’m being honest.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Lin Xun

Some critics argue about the exact number of millions of people murdered in the socialist Wholecaust (of which the Holocaust was a part) under Stalin, Mao, Hitler, and other socialists. I remember the retort of the historian Dr. Rex Curry: a million murdered here, a million murdered there, pretty soon you are talking a lot of people.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Charles Bukowski

Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Cynthia Hand

Okay, that was, I have to say, about the cheesiest thing I ever heard in my life,” I say to Angela as we’re milling around afterward. We hug, so Billy can take our picture. “I mean, seriously. Just be? You should write ads for Nike.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Henny Youngman

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

By Anonym 19 Sep

Zita Steele

What is this vision? It is a presentimiento! A foreboding ominous happy confusing feeling that strikes a person when they are dreaming and sleepwalking and when they gaze into a mirror!

By Anonym 17 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Millions of sane people would each be sexually attracted to their own parent or child if they were not related to them.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Margery Allingham

Albert Campion: 'I’m serious!' Lugg: 'That’s unhealthy in itself.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Cassandra Clare

The door buzzer sounded again. The two boys exchanged a single look before both bolting down the narrow hallway to the door. Jordan got there first. He grabbed for the coatrack that stood by the door, ripped the coats off it, and flung the door wide, the rack held aboe his head like a javelin. On the other side of the door was Jace. He blinked. "Is that a coatrack?" Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. "If you'd been a vampire, this would have been a lot more useful." "Yes," said Jace. "Or, you know, just someone with a lot of coats.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Dylan Moran

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Benjamin Franklin

Nor is it of much Importance to us to know the Manner in which Nature executes her laws; 'tis enough to know the Laws themselves.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Richie Norton

This is how you get through life: duck.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Marcel Achard

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.

By Anonym 18 Sep

Jillian Dodd

She shocks the hell out of me when she asks, "Did you get engaged, Jade? She looks at me seriously. It's really hard for me not to just laugh hysterically in her face, but I refrain from doing so because I'm a good friend, and I realize that she's in distress. But her next question very nearly blows me away.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Sabrina Zbasnik

Gods take whoever designed this crawlspace and jam them inside a sardine can. Then put that sardine can inside a pill box and shoot both into a black hole. Ugh, and I am having a very long discussion with Orn and his habit of throwing old candy sticks through the grates!

By Anonym 16 Sep

Tanisha Gangwar

Get Something which you deserve, don't cry for something what you want.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Natasha Leggero

If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.

By Anonym 20 Sep

Jd Robb

When she brought Mira up, Eve gave Roarke another glance. "Don't talk to him," she warned. "He can get bitchy when he's in this deep. I don't know if we have any of that tea stuff." "I had it stocked, and I don't get bitchy. Bloody, buggering HELL." Eve just rolled her eyes and got the tea.

By Anonym 14 Sep

Will Rogers

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

By Anonym 16 Sep

Margaret Atwood

I used to jog but it's bad for the knees. Too much beta carotene turns you orange, too much calcium gives you kidney stones. Health kills.

By Anonym 19 Sep

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The world economy would collapse if a significant number of people were to realize and then act on the realization that it is possible to enjoy many if not most of the things that they enjoy without first having to own them.

By Anonym 17 Sep

Benny Bellamacina

Old age is not just for grown up's

By Anonym 20 Sep

Rosen Trevithick

When it comes to your self-esteem, it is best not to value the opinions of deluded psychopaths.

By Anonym 13 Sep

Olivia Robertson

everybody fancies they have that rare thing, a sense of humour.

By Anonym 15 Sep

Tina Fey

This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in ten thousand pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over fourteen thousand dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.