Best 10 quotes of Dave Allen on MyQuotes

A good storyteller never lets the facts get in the way.

Am I the Irish comedian with half a finger? No, I'm the Irish comedian with nine and a half fingers.

Goodnight, thank you, and may your God go with you.

How could I have not known about Ume? An Austin trio fronted by a whirling dervish of singer guitarist who in the standard PR band head shot looks like she wouldn't hurt a fly; yet give her a guitar, a Marshall stack and a mic and stand back, way back. She shreds. File under - Do Not Overlook and Go Tell Your Friends

I don't go out of my way to be outrageous, I just go out of my way to look at things.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

It's the behaviour of your company and its people that form your reputation, and your reputation is your brand

My church accepts all denominations - fivers, tenners, twenties.

We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work - and then we retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock.

This is the story of a man who always made the wrong choice. He could have had either two jobs; he picked the dead end. He could have married either of two women; he picked the nag. He could have invested in either of two businesses; he picked the one that went bankrupt. Finally, he decided to abandon his old life, to change his identity and start again. He goes to the airport and finds he can get on either two flights; he chooses the plane with the engine that explodes over the Atlantic. So, he's in mid-air, in an airplane struggling to stay aloft, surrounded by panicking passengers. He goes down on his knees in prayer and begs, "St Francis, help me!" The Heavens open, and a divine light floods the cabin. An angelic voice asks, "St Francis Xavier or St Francis of Assisi?