Best 61 quotes of Spike Milligan on MyQuotes

Spike Milligan

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    Spike Milligan

    A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush

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    Spike Milligan

    All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

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    Spike Milligan

    And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

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    Spike Milligan

    Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive! First World War a Mistake!

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    Spike Milligan

    Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

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    Spike Milligan

    Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.

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    Spike Milligan

    A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

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    Spike Milligan

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

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    Spike Milligan

    Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.

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    Spike Milligan

    Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light

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    Spike Milligan

    Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

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    Spike Milligan

    Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

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    Spike Milligan

    For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

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    Spike Milligan

    Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse

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    Spike Milligan

    How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

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    Spike Milligan

    I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.

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    Spike Milligan

    I can speak Esperanto like a native.

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    Spike Milligan

    If a robin redbreast in a cage Puts all heaven in a rage, How feels heaven when Dies the billionth battery hen?

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    Spike Milligan

    If you kill me, I promise you - you will never take me alive.

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    Spike Milligan

    I have got so low that I have asked to be hospitalized and for deep narcosis (sleep). I cannot stand being awake. The pain is too much... Something has happened to me, this vital spark has stopped burning - I go to a dinner table now and I don't say a word, just sit there like a dodo. Normally I am the centre of attention, keeps the conversation going, - so that is depressing in itself. It's like another person taking over, very strange. The most important thing I say is 'good evening' and then I go quiet.

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    Spike Milligan

    I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

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    Spike Milligan

    I'm a hero wid coward's legs, I'm a hero from the waist up.

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    Spike Milligan

    I'm a hero with coward's legs.

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    Spike Milligan

    I'm Irish. We think sideways

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    Spike Milligan

    In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

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    Spike Milligan

    I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

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    Spike Milligan

    I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

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    Spike Milligan

    Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

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    Spike Milligan

    I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

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    Spike Milligan

    I told you I was sick.

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    Spike Milligan

    It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

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    Spike Milligan

    Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.

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    Spike Milligan

    Listen, someone's screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently

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    Spike Milligan

    Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

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    Spike Milligan

    Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

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    Spike Milligan

    Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

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    Spike Milligan

    My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

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    Spike Milligan

    My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

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    Spike Milligan

    My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

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    Spike Milligan

    Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

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    Spike Milligan

    One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?

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    Spike Milligan

    Only on the third class tourist class passengers' deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.

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    Spike Milligan

    On the Ning Nang Nong Where the Cows go Bong! And the Monkeys all say Boo! Theres a Nang Nong Ning Where the trees go Ping! And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo On the Nong Ning Nang All the Mice go Clang! And you just cant catch em when they do! So its Ning Nang Nong! Cows go Bong! Nong Nang Ning! Trees go Ping! Nong Ning Nang! The mice go Clang! What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!

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    Spike Milligan

    Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

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    Spike Milligan

    Render any politician down and there's enough fat to fry an egg.

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    Spike Milligan

    Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

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    Spike Milligan

    The most difficult book I have ever read was a manual on the use of iron bangles by A.J. Thompson.

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    Spike Milligan

    This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it's meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in

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    Spike Milligan

    To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.

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    Spike Milligan

    We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!