Best 37 quotes of Milton Jones on MyQuotes

Milton Jones

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven't done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.

  • By Anonym
    Milton Jones

    You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.