Best 107 quotes of John Oliver on MyQuotes

According to current Florida law you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following [the minor] and choose to ignore that, keep following the minor, get into a confrontation with them, and if at any point during that process you get scared you can shoot the minor to death, and the state of Florida will say, 'Well, look: you did what you could.'

Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.

Armando Iannucci is one of my heroes. As I was growing up, he was probably the most influential comic voice that I had.

As a general rule, no one should ever be allowed to say there is no history of racial tension here, because that sentence has never been true anywhere on Earth.

A Southern accent is not a club in my bag.

Attending a Sarah Palin rally was simultaneously one of the strangest and most chilling events of my life.

Australia turns out to be a sensational place, albeit one of the most comfortably racist places I've ever been in. They've really settled into their intolerance like an old resentful slipper.

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.

British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death.

By any rational metric, I am boring.

Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.

Congress never loses its capacity to disappoint you.

Democracy is like a tambourine, not everyone can be trusted with it.

Do you know how hard it is to kill 30 million people? It's a logistical nightmare.

Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends - they're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there.

Economics is like the Dutch language - I'm told it makes sense, but I have my doubts.

Every empire has to get sucked down the drain. As a British person, I know how it feels.

Florida, just because you're shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn't mean you have to act that way.

Having a human conversation is not something I've had any training in either as a comedian or as, you know, a human being.

Here in America, people come out to see what they've known you to do. In England it's like everyone comes out to tell you exactly how well they think you're doing.

I can't relax. I find vacations problematic.

I care about facts the way I care about oxygen and imbibing enough water a day to live.

I did sketch comedy, but I never did improv. So I've just tried to learn as I go.

I do not want to leave in [U.S.] ... I cannot make that clear enough to immigration authorities who may be listening to this interview. I don't want to leave, so please don't make me.

I don't know if there is some psychological thing of wanting to know where your doctor got his degree from before he comes into the medical room.

I don't think I'm identified as the anchorman, I think I'm identified as the impostor anchorman - there's a very clear line there ... I don't think it changes the way they respond.

I do one accent - my own. I can make it louder or quieter. That is the sum total of my vocal range. I thought I could do an American accent until I tried it in front of an American - the expression of horror is still burnt onto my retinas.

I feel more at home knowing I'm not really at home. It takes all the pressure off you trying to fit in!

I feel non-stop Brit shame!

If you’re asking me, would I have voted for Mitt Romney, the answer is absolutely not. Emphatically not. I cannot envision a world in which I would have voted for Mitt Romney unless I sustained a massive concussion.

If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum you’ve strangled someone in a bar fight.

I get nostalgic for British negativity. There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers. When you go back to Britain, everybody is just running everything down. It's like whatever the opposite of a hug is.

I guess the tone of jokes is often, at best, irreverent, but it always comes from a place of deep love.

I have a green card now, but they can take that away, yeah, they can take that away at any moment. So please don't; please let me keep it.

I'm always interested in audience interaction. Not so much aggressive audience interaction - I'm genuinely interested in how people see things.

I'm British. I don't really have access to my emotions on a daily basis.

I'm British; pessimism is my wheelhouse.

I'm British, so obviously I repress any powerful emotions of any kind in relation to anything.

I'm not really much of an actor, so when I started on 'The Daily Show', I was just trying to adopt the faux authority of a newsperson.

In improv, the whole thing is that it is a relationship between the two people, as a back and forth. In standup, you don't really want to be listening to what somebody is saying; you want to project your jokes into their face.

Iran is the middle child of the Axis of Evil. Iraq is the oldest child and gets the lion's share of the attention, and North Korea is the crazy baby.

I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes.

I really love stand-up. I'm more than happy to do it for nothing. I've come to America to do it for nothing. It's the American Dream: Work for free.

I think Americans still can't help but respond to the natural authority of this voice. Deep down they long to be told what to do by a British accent. That's why so many infomercials have British people.

I think being an outsider in general always helps you in comedy. I think it helps to have an outsider's eye. And so I have an outsider's voice. You know, as soon as I start talking, I don't belong here. And I think that helps in a way.

I think deep down, this planet yearns for the days of the British Empire again. They long once more to be treated that badly, that politely. We did far worse things than you can possibly dream of, but we did it with that certainly gentlemanly swagger... Dreadfully sorry, but we seem to have crushed your entire continent's infrastructure. Allow me to make it up to you by offering you a job 4,000 miles away. No, no, I insist.

I think I'm just a summer fling that people will soon forget.

I think it might honestly be time for the Sunshine State to officially change its motto to the Worst State.

I think puns are not just the lowest form of wit, but the lowest form of human behavior.