Best 878 quotes of George Carlin on MyQuotes

George Carlin

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    George Carlin

    Abraham Maslow said that the fully realized person transcends his local group and identifies with the species. But the election of Ronald Reagan might've been the beginning of my giving up on my species. Because it was absurd. To this day it remains absurd. More than absurd, it was frightening: it represented the rise to supremacy of darkness, the ascendancy of ignorance.

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    George Carlin

    A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.

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    George Carlin

    A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics?

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    George Carlin

    A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch.

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    George Carlin

    A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

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    George Carlin

    A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

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    George Carlin

    A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

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    George Carlin

    All Christian religions are outer-directed. "Who can I convert?" "Let's go to this country and make them Christians." "Wear this." "Do that." "No, don't worship that way. Worship this way or I'll kill you - for the good of your soul, of course." Meanwhile, followers of Eastern religions are sitting in the middle of their minds, experiencing a bliss and a level of consciousness that Western man can't begin to approach.

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    George Carlin

    All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.

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    George Carlin

    All patriarchal societies are either preparing for war, at war, or recovering from war.

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    George Carlin

    All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

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    George Carlin

    All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World peasants are poor they will send us drugs, and as long as we are empty we will ask for this little plant.

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    George Carlin

    A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt

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    George Carlin

    A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

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    George Carlin

    Always do whatever's next.

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    George Carlin

    Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

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    George Carlin

    An art thief is a man who takes pictures.

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    George Carlin

    And now gay people want to get married... Haven't they suffered enough?

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    George Carlin

    And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National

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    George Carlin

    And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.

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    George Carlin

    And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.

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    George Carlin

    And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

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    George Carlin

    And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.

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    George Carlin

    And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.

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    George Carlin

    And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." "The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those "miracles.

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    George Carlin

    An entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself. An artist is on a journey: they don't know where they're going, what is going to happen, but they know they are not there yet, and there is some continuity and growth. I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.

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    George Carlin

    Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, "Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing?" It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do.

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    George Carlin

    An outsider longing to be on the inside is the same as the soloist longing to work in an ensemble. I get great satisfaction in being a part of the proper - for me - community. I'm uncomfortable with various social groupings and clusterings. But when I'm in the right group, doing the right thing, I get as much satisfaction out of that as anyone who does it all the time.

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    George Carlin

    Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies.

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    George Carlin

    Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.

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    George Carlin

    A pear is a failed apple.

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    George Carlin

    A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality - and it's not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing - it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street.

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    George Carlin

    Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us.

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    George Carlin

    As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

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    George Carlin

    A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don't these people communicate?

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    George Carlin

    As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.

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    George Carlin

    As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

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    George Carlin

    As much as I love my family, I enjoy it when the house is empty, because then I know I'm truly alone, as we all are on the planet, after all. Every atom in us is originally from a star. And during my moments of aloneness, I'm most mindful of that; that I'm just another group of matter randomly but wonderfully arranged. That's when I feel my immortality.

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    George Carlin

    As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.

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    George Carlin

    As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

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    George Carlin

    As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.

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    George Carlin

    At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three.

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    George Carlin

    At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

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    George Carlin

    At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure

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    George Carlin

    Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards

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    George Carlin

    Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

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    George Carlin

    A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.

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    George Carlin

    Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

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    George Carlin

    Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

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    George Carlin

    Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.