Best 31 quotes of Maria Bamford on MyQuotes

Even if you're disgusting, and everyone is creeped out by you and thinks you're gross, you know, keep doing what you love!

Get out of your house and go see some live performance, for God's sake. There are people creating things just outside your window.

Here's the Middle East. Here's the mosque, here's the church, open the temple, everybody's MAD!

I can't stand makeup commercials. 'Do you need a lipstick that keeps your lips kissable?' No, I need a lipstick that gets me equal pay for equal work. How about an eye shadow that makes me stop thinking I'm too fat?

I do some compassionate mindfulness every day. It's like a Buddhist thing. I tell myself that I'm doing a good job, that kind of thing. It makes me feel better.

I express things through characters because I have a fear that my own voice is irritating because thats been said to me.

I feel bad about that, that I worship celebrities... but their moods create weather.

I find it creatively satisfying to write material and say it out loud in a public place, whether or not anyone's listening.

If you're ever if you're ever thinking, “Oh, but I'm a waste of space and I'm a burden,” remember: that also describes the Grand Canyon. Why don't you have friends and family take pictures of you from a safe distance? Revel in your majestic profile?

If you stay alive for no other reason do it for spite

I get sort of short with people and start grumbling and clearing my throat - in honor of my father - when I'm impatient. It's very charming.

I have received more fulfillment and adulation than I would ever know what to do with in terms of show business.

I just love that part of comedy, where you see somebody's jokes develop. They try something new to see what works, and I just love that part.

I love festivals because they seem like more of an artsy, supportive attitude - which benefits a more theatrical performer sometimes with having theater and other non-club venues, as well as the audience being filled with other artists. It's nice to be with other comics, as usually at other road gigs, I'm solo for the most part.

I love support groups, people talking about their feelings.

I'm not looking for much, I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of s**t that I don't need, that I refuse to share with others.

I think taking vacations and turning off the phone and only doing emails or social media for a specific short amount of time helps with work/life balance. If I'm checking it all day I start to feel cuckoo-bird. So I just do it once or twice a day instead of a thousand. And then remembering that it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter.

I think the Internet has made it easier for people to connect with things that they really like, as well as provide a more personal experience, of 'I found this!' and then you can pass it to friends.

I would've been able to write anything about mental-health crises had I not felt good.

My mom is very religious and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case I'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli.

My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time

People get really irritated by mental illness.

Schizophrenia is hearing voices, not doing voices.

Some of my friends and family have tried to challenge me to do jokes that aren't as self-deprecating, where I genuinely express my own opinion in my own voice.

Sometimes I worry I don't want to get married as much as I'd like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough.

There's a reason I'm a stand-up comedian. I think there may be some laziness inherent in that job. It's the four-hour work week, on some level. I mean, I work at it, but it's not that kind of... it's just not the hours at all. So I was extremely grateful for the job. It was super, super fun, and I'm surprised that I made it.

Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I'm so hungry.

Time flies when you are anxious!

Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.

I sleep hard; I dream harder!