Best 52 quotes of Tommy Cooper on MyQuotes

Tommy Cooper

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

  • By Anonym
    Tommy Cooper

    Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!