Best 54 quotes in «funny book quotes» category

...but Tact and Sensitivity were not Gobber's strong points, and he took the first five minutes to come up with "Hiccup copped it. SORRY," and the spent the second five minutes tearing his beard out.

Church's boss was a dick too--justice!

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Dylan: What was that? Is Brooke breaking shit now? I know she's upset but she needs to remember where she is,Joey.HANDLE IT. Sweet Christ. Why couldn,t she be on bed rest at her mother's? Me: Ease up on the shouty caps,cupcake. Everything is under control. Dylan:BETTER BE.(I love you) Me: BITCH.(love you too)

Eagles, buffalos and deserts vast, it’s no good living in the fucking past.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Do flat-earthers believe that other planets are also flat?

Erroh has a plan. A simple plan. It'll never work.

Dogs are angels full of poop.

Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.

Holy hell, did she love her a good dimple. And this one was deadly. She needed to get him to stop smiling. Now.

How are you feeling?" "Like I fell out a burning building onto pavement, you?" I grumbled. "Like I was pushed out of a burning building by a maniac," she retorted, a small smile playing across her face.

(If plan KTB kill the bastard) didn't work, well, gray would resort to Plan B: Operation Oh Sh**

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.

His only real financial failure came at the age of thirteen when, in an uncharacteristic error of judgement, he invested £200,000 of his own savings in wooden socks, an invention that never caught on as he had hoped.

It was if the devil himself had devised the perfect earthly torture for Lady Alicia Lawrence. “Now how will I occupy myself when I get to hell?

Men know that most women want to have an emotional connection with someone before they sleep with them. Men know that a lot of women think it's romantic to be friends first, and then the friendship blossoms into a relationship. Men know that they have to jump through all these hoops first, before they can get laid. And that's really all romance and courtship is to a man: hoops he has to jump through to get laid.

My mortgage isn’t getting any cheaper and I can’t run that Ferrari on faith alone," Revernd Jones said. "Don’t get me wrong, the Big Man Upstairs does what he can but I’ve never once seen him filling up the tank of my car.

My bosses would be beyond pissed if tomorrow's New York Times read: "Solid gold tiger eats stupid couple who were taking photos of it with their camera phone.

My mortgage isn’t getting any cheaper and I can’t run that Ferrari on faith alone," Reverend Jones said. "Don’t get me wrong, the Big Man upstairs does what he can but I’ve never once seen him filling up the tank of my car.

She took a step toward him. “You? Mr. Sexy Ass Bad Boy Extraordinaire. A virgin. And you expect me to believe that?

Roaches should never trust humans. We’re all doomed.

She wasn’t impressed with either his determination or the muscles rippling under his T-shirt. At all. She was also a liar. (Elaina)

Sean was stung. "I do not fuck everything that has a pulse," he said haughtily. "I have my standards. I limit myself to endoskeletal organisms. I always go for vertebrates. And I dont't do reptiles. Ever.

Suddenly, a voice called from the darkness. Taylor leapt like a salmon, then became rooted to the spot like a tin of salmon.

The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart,' the inventor said. 'The hamster generates heat by running on the wheel. If you get a big enough hamster, it will keep your whole face warm.

Sadly for you, I think I'm going to live, Simi. You can stop slapping me now. I've already lost enough sense. Can't afford to lose any more brain cells. I really really need my last three before I forget how to spell my name. It's hard enough to pronounce." Nick "well, poo. Not poo that you'll live, 'cause the Simi would probably miss you if you died, but poo that I'll miss all that good old salty boy meat. Though we needs be fatting you up some to make you really good eats. Hmmm." Simi

Someone once said writing and gardening are similar pursuits. Tell you what, I'd have one fucked up garden if that were the case.

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

There was a part of my brain that wanted to ask if his wife had a beard, verify my theory. I told that part of my brain to shut up.

Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public.

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.

Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747? -About 20 pounds. -Yo mama carries more passengers. -Not everyone's been on a 747.

Yo Mama’s so poor, when I lit her house on fire, the cockroaches came out singing, “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

Yo Mama's so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

You belong in an insane asylum, you know that?" "Maybe my next case...

You know why horror-movie characters always get killed? Because they've never seen horror movies. They don't know how it works. Right? But we do. So no one go into the basement alone. No one go screaming off into the woods alone. No one has any sex.

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.

And so the cycle of innocence found, lost, found again, and finally lost is complete. Just as a peanut is neither a pea nor a nut… and a thighmaster is neither a thigh nor a master… so our hero learned that Netflix and Chill means neither Netflix nor Chill. And if you’re just learning this for the first time, welcome to the end of your innocence.