Best 63 quotes of David Spade on MyQuotes

A friend of Nicole Ritchie told the New York Post that Nicole is definitely pregnant.

Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early.

Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.

Hopefully, underlying all my jokes is an element of surprise.

Horrible date all through high school and college. Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!

How do you lay low but still do your job? Try to stay out there without being out there like Jenny McCarthy?

I can see getting married and having a family, because it is the next thing on the agenda. You can only do this for so long. I'm old, and my friends all have kids. And I'm single, still blow drying my hair!

I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.

I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.

If I try to cover too much ground, you start to get watered down and less interesting.

I have no detectable hair style.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary.

I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.

I'm always making fun of myself and my friends.

I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.

I'm scared of slipping up, of just doing a joke that makes me laugh.

I'm still blow drying my hair, just trying to keep doing stuff that's fun.

In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.

I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note.

I started doing the star turn and making a profit off it. Now I'm kind of one of them.

I talk to my dad all the time, he's more like my buddy than my father, and he's not happy that I use him in my act. But I tell him, I have to get something out of this.

I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.

It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.

It's good to do stand-up. It kind of wakes you up and makes you feel like you're doing something. You got the crowd right there. That's all fun.

It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.

It's hard for your mom to tell you she has an oral fixation and has to have something in her mouth. My step dad is in the kitchen winking at me. You down with OPP, yeah you know me. Exciting is and a special... What? Easy, and why do you know all the words? That's weird.

It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.

It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.

It wasn't a cutdown to call someone a Mexican. It would kill my career to refer to someone as Mexican today. It's like calling me an American.

I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.

I've got people who like Tommy Boy, but they're getting older and there's a whole new wave of college kids who see that and Joe Dirt, and Just Shoot Me is a little older, so I wanted stuff for everybody.

I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute girl. Say stuff to her like, Scream all you want, sugar. Ain't nobody gonna hear you!

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.

Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.

My career is just kind of crazy.

My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.

My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.

My school of thought is, anything goes, but I can't do that anymore.

MySpace is a great way to keep in touch with friends who you don't care enough about to actually have a conversation with, why bother calling to say "how are you," when you can just surf their page and post an mpeg of a guy farting on his cat.

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?

No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.

On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.

People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.

Seriously, you don't have to know English. It'd be nice, a nice little plus. We don't want miracles. You don't have to know the country's language. But just some shapes, that's all. A square. A little geometry.

Single guys get a bad rap.

Sometimes when I watch a TV season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it's not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years.

Spent most of the summer looking for shade. Driving around. Shade. Please? Driving in malls. I'll park a mile away I don't care. I'm just looking for a tree branch, anything. Long weed. Big leaf, get the front corner panel under it. Oh precious shade, I have it - you don't!