Best 110 quotes of Zach Galifianakis on MyQuotes

When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, "Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at least, there is a delirium that starts kicking in on the fifteenth hour, and that can help. Below the just thirteenth hour is where I have a concern, because everybody's so tired.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.

You write things that are of interest to you. There's no focus group.