Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

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    A more popular book on the market was called, “Verdad for Our Family,” in which Fergus’s older brothers Angus and Wallace Smith explained in detail how their youngest sibling had warped facts, stolen ideas, memories, and identities from others, told outright lies about family members and misrepresented living and deceased people to advance himself. The whole town of Garlick bought a copy of that book, and Angus and Wallace soon found themselves on the Texas bestsellers list and steadily gaining popular momentum.

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    Am I sure how old I am? Wait, let me get out all my fingers and toes so I'm sure I haven't miscounted.

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    Among all the machines, motorcar is my favorite machine.

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    Am I to blame for the fact that our dear departed prince decided to play sheep on the day of the Grand Mechoui?”* *Actually, Goblin was to blame. And he treasured the memory. That braggart prince, always going around telling everyone he was a shape-shifter… Goblin had shown him shape-shifting! He’d found a spell that turned the prince into a sheep and sent it to the cooks with a kick to the rump. Such a fat specimen had been put on the spit without hesitation, and any question about its provenance had only surfaced as it had turned back to human form upon death. Good times.

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    AN ACADEMIC DEFINITION of Lynchian might be that the term "refers to a particular kind of irony where the very macabre and the very mundane combine in such a way as to reveal the former's perpetual containment within the latter." But like postmodern or pornographic, Lynchian is one of those Porter Stewart-type words that's ultimately definable only ostensively-i.e., we know it when we see it. Ted Bundy wasn't particularly Lynchian, but good old Jeffrey Dahmer, with his victims' various anatomies neatly separated and stored in his fridge alongside his chocolate milk and Shedd Spread, was thoroughgoingly Lynchian. A recent homicide in Boston, in which the deacon of a South Shore church reportedly gave chase to a vehicle that bad cut him off, forced the car off the road, and shot the driver with a highpowered crossbow, was borderline Lynchian. A Rotary luncheon where everybody's got a comb-over and a polyester sport coat and is eating bland Rotarian chicken and exchanging Republican platitudes with heartfelt sincerity and yet all are either amputees or neurologically damaged or both would be more Lynchian than not.

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    Amphora,” he murmured against the wide, sweet curve of her lips. His hands slid over the wide, sweet curve of her hips, cupping smoothness cool and solid, timeless and graceful as the swell of ancient pottery, promising abundance. “Like a Grecian vase. God, you’ve got the most beautiful arse!” “Jug-butt, huh?

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    Amy Curry," I could still hear him intoning, "never end a sentence with a preposition!" Irked that after six years he was still mentally correcting me, I told the Mr. Collins in my head to off fuck.

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    A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.

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    Amo i Martini, ma due al massimo. Tre, e sono sotto al tavolo. Quattro, e sono sotto il cameriere.

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    A muffin what? Are you asking me to eat you or something?

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    A música afeta as nossas emoções e pode levantar-nos ou baixar-nos o moral. Um bom exemplo disto é a forma como as bandas sonoras dos filmes nos dão pistas sobre como reagirmos à cena que estamos a ver – romance, humor e tensão são ampliados pela música que os acompanha.

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    An aged monk led me to the infirmary. "He's got the place to himself. Once the other invalids learned there was a dragon coming they miraculously got well! The lame could walk and the blind decided they didn't really need to see. He's a panacea.

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    Among other things, I’m afraid of cows.” “Because of their size?” Helen asked sympathetically. “No, it’s the way they stare. As if they’re plotting something.

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    Among the dragons, the prohibition against asking direct questions did not exist, and-as Harrier discovered immediately-dragons were even more outrageous gossips than sailors.

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    An assumption is the joke; truth the punchline.

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    An artist is identical with an anarchist,' he cried. 'You might transpose the words anywhere. An anarchist is an artist. The man who throws a bomb is an artist, because he prefers a great moment to everything. He sees how much more valuable is one burst of blazing light, one peal of perfect thunder, than the mere common bodies of a few shapeless policemen. An artist disregards all governments, abolishes all conventions. The poet delights in disorder only. If it were not so, the most poetical thing in the world would be the Underground Railway.' 'So it is,' said Mr. Syme. 'Nonsense!' said Gregory, who was very rational when any one else attempted paradox.

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    An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet

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    An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' But eating too many, is quite enough-plenty. And you'll have to go see the good doc anyway.

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    Analyzing dreams is much like walking on water. There are a limited number of people who do it well.

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    An Angry female catawyld? Conquered. An outraged female dragon? Defeated. A woman who might pin him to the wall with green-eyed fury? Out of the question.

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    An apple a day feeds the tapeworm to stay.

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    An arrogant man whose arrogance we see from his own behaviour is more tolerable than a humble man whose humility we hear of from his own mouth.

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    An ax came through the door. Then two firefighters. They looked down at and assistant mall manager crying and wearing a melted toupee, sitting cross-legged next to a mall cop with a bleeding ankle and a mouth full of paper. One of the firefighters look at the other. "Not again.

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    And a beautiful garden, not far from a beautiful lake, and I said it sounded perfectly perfect.

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    A nationalist will blindly follow his country to his death out of love for it. A patriot will stand up for and even against his country to his death out of love for it.

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    ...and, according to my nearest and dearest, practically a half-witted bachelor at that.

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    Anastasia: Five hundred guests should be plenty. Jack: Yes, five hundred guests sounds like a nice small wedding.

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    Amy let him lead her to the dance area. She gasped when he immediately tugged her body against his. Clearly Erik had not learned the dance rules taught at St. Francis High School. He didn’t leave room for air, much less a holy presence.

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    An action made by a unwitting man, shall not define, nor justify a common though and interpretation.

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    A natural, polite smile deceives no one.

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    ....and Colin threw his head back to let out a laugh so loud and brazen in its bum-lickery that it resonated through the office window.

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    And as the wicked are always ungrateful, and necessity leads to evil doing, and immediate advantage overcomes all considerations of the future, Ginés, who was neither grateful nor well-principled, made up his mind to steal Sancho Panza's ass.

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    An autobiography is inherently incomplete unless the last page is written on the eve of the author's demise.

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    And after the army, nothing in real life scared me. Except a shovel. And churches still put the fear of God into me…

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    And dozens of tiny hands reached up, and cast back dozens of tiny hoods. The robes fell away, revealing a motley of brightly-colored, dwarfish creatures, perched atop one another’s shoulders, brandishing outlandish tubes of a shiny substance none present had ever seen before. With preternatural speed and precision, they were trained upon the wild-eyed Romans, and after a few frantic pumping motions, streams of fluid arced through the air towards them. Wherever they landed, upon flesh or armor, steam burst forth, and the soldiers screamed in agony. Many of them were seasoned, having put down rebellions throughout the Empire, but all of their training and experience failed them in the face of elves wielding super soakers. Super soakers filled with battery acid.

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    And Hatta was a lying liar who lies!

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    „...And he doesn't like you to call him Mr. McStabby, you know." "Have you ever seen him cutting up that meat? He is like an artist with slicing. And that knife is as long as my arm. Mr. McStabby it is.

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    And even if he weren't, a person can't hold on to another person forever. At some point, their muscles give out, or the authorities get called.

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    And for once, Donald Rumsfeld, in the news at the time over the Iraq war made sense to me: "As we know," he said, famously, "there are known knowns-things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns-things we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns- things we don't know we don't know.

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    And he kissed me . . . slow. Agonizingly, maddeningly, painfully slow. I loved kissing. I also loved what it usually led to, but I was especially loving this part with Leo. The beginning, when everything is new and exciting, and everything in the entire world boils down to sweet feathering lips and quiet sighs. When the stars fade and the earth ceases to turn, its axis forgotten in the wake of things like: which way will you lean and which way will my neck naturally turn, and is it possible that I can actually detect your fingerprints, because my skin seems so alive right now and my nose just brushed yours and the tiny groan that just rumbled from deep in your chest is the most erotic sound imaginable, and gee your hair smells terrific

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    And how is Jamie doing?" "Fine. He seems to be spending a lot of time in the shower," I noted quietly, my voice so low that even Jamie's super hearing couldn't pick it up. Dick chuckled, followed by Zeb and Gabriel. "What?" "Remember that summer I turned thirteen and my mom complained that she couldn't ever get me out of the bathroom?" Zeb asked. "Yeah, but that's because you were-" I slapped my hand over my mouth. "Oh!" "Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting," Zeb said. ""It's one big, horrifying miracle." "Augh!" I grumbled.

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    And how should we behave during this Apocalypse? We should be unusually kind to one another, certainly. But we should also stop being so serious. Jokes help a lot. And get a dog, if you don't already have one.

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    And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.

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    And his voice sounds like a good-bye.

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    And I don’t have a weird thing with Simon Snow,” Cath said. “I’m just really active in the fandom.”
 “What the fuck is ‘the fandom’?” “You wouldn’t understand,” Cath sighed, wishing she hadn’t used that word, knowing that if she tried to explain herself any further, it would just make it worse.

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    And if Germans do have systematic minds, this is just as likely to be because their exceedingly erratic mother tongue has exhausted their brains' capacity to cope with any further irregularity

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    And his computer's spell-check always forces him to capitalize the word "Internet". Come on; World War Two earned it's capitalization. The Internet just sucks human beings away from reality.

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    And here is the shocking plot twist: as farmers produced those extra calories, the food industry figured out how to get them into the bodies of people who didn't really want to eat 700 more calories a day.

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    And even if we did, which we didn't, it's none of your business." "Okay." "I just wanted you to know." "Okay." "If you say okay one more time, I'm going to punch you in the solar plexus." His eyebrows jump. "The solar plexus, huh?" "Yes," I say. "I'm not exactly sure where that is, but I will find out. And then I will punch you there. Hard.

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    And fair warning, as part of my tortured-soul thing I have to start being mean to you. Apparently that will make me seem strong and make you seem weak. Because strong nowadays means being a total dick.