Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

The fact that the biblical book Hebrews is not an epistle of St Paul, or of any other apostle, is proved by what it says in chapter two.

The first pitch to Tucker Ashford is grounded into left field. No, wait a minute. It's ball one. Low and outside.

The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'That is exactly why it's a good thing that I'm on TV.'

The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.

The game in St. Louis has been halted in the fourth inning because of rain. I'll bet they have the jacuzzis going there.

The function of abundance is not to possess things but to use them and gather experiences.

The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

The great thing about university is that they incline you to get up and do it, from the Classics to modern plays, to the humor that Monty Pythons made popular.

The guys in my band are great-we watch movies, we eat pizza, take walks, read books. Everybody has a really great sense of humor. And my boyfriend comes and visits me on the road.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The happiness of those who want to be popular depends on others; the happiness of those who seek pleasure fluctuates with moods outside their control; but the happiness of the wise grows out of their own free acts.

The habit of being happy enables one to be freed, or largely freed, from the domination of outward conditions.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.

The humorist has a good eye for the humbug; he does not always recognize the saint.

The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.

The hugely popular Windows 95 operating system revolutionized the software world thanks to its capability of accomplishing the seemingly impossible task of making Bill Gates even richer than he already was.

The inability to forget is far more devastating than the inability to remember.

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

The idea that Bill Gates (one of the founders of Microsoft) has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he, by peddling second rate technology, led them into it in the first place...

The ignorant ever shun and dread the gifted and enlightened.

The Jews are returning to their land of unbelief. They are spiritually blind and desperately in need of their Messiah and Savior.

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

Their is no defense against criticism except obscurity.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.

The joy of joys is the person of light but unmalicious humor.

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

The law of levity is allowed to supersede the law of gravity.

The law often permits what honor prohibits.

The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress.

The lure of the distant and the difficult is deceptive. The great opportunity is where you are.

The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train.

The man who tells me an indelicate story does me an injury.

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

The man who is truly good and wise will bear with dignity whatever fortune sends, and will always make the best of his circumstances.

The meek shall inherit the Earth, but not its mineral rights.

The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

The most fatal disease of friendship is gradual decay, or dislike hourly increased by causes too slender for complaint, and too numerous for removal.

The most profound indication of social malignancy ... no sense of humor. None of the monoliths could take a joke.