Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

  • By Anonym

    Grubb goes back, back... He's under the warning track and makes the play.

  • By Anonym

    Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

  • By Anonym

    Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

  • By Anonym

    Half the people you know are below average.

  • By Anonym

    Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

  • By Anonym

    Happiness is like coke — something you get as a by-product in the process of making something else.

  • By Anonym

    Happiness should always remain a bit incomplete. After all, dreams are boundless.

  • By Anonym

    Have a sense of humor about life - you will need it. And be courteous.

    • humor quotes
  • By Anonym

    Hats off to drug abusers everywhere.

  • By Anonym

    Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

  • By Anonym

    Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It's like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.

  • By Anonym

    Have you heard his new song? 'Cause he thinks he's a black man now.

  • By Anonym

    Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

  • By Anonym

    Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate offers!

  • By Anonym

    Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

    • humor quotes
  • By Anonym

    Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

  • By Anonym

    Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'

    • humor quotes
  • By Anonym

    Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

  • By Anonym

    Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

  • By Anonym

    Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!

  • By Anonym

    Hearing Mass is the ceremony I most favor during my travels. Church is the only place where someone speaks to me and I do not have to answer back.

  • By Anonym

    Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem? That's an unemployment solution right there, folks! It's called natural selection.

  • By Anonym

    Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

  • By Anonym

    Heaven will be inherited by every man who has heaven in his soul.

  • By Anonym

    Hector Torrez, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican?

  • By Anonym

    Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

  • By Anonym

    He comes back with the script, and it's racist like a 1940's Newspaper.

    • humor quotes
  • By Anonym

    He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

  • By Anonym

    He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.

  • By Anonym

    He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.

  • By Anonym

    He is like a female llama surprised in her bath.

    • humor quotes
  • By Anonym

    Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

  • By Anonym

    He has such a patronizing tone and manner, and such a sarcastic sense of humor. I found him rather brutal, a kind of elegant brutality which appealed. No, I think he came pretty much off the page.

  • By Anonym

    He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot.

  • By Anonym

    Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven... Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.

  • By Anonym

    Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

    • humor quotes
  • By Anonym

    He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

  • By Anonym

    He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want.

    • humor quotes
  • By Anonym

    Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and answer to, all of life's problems.

  • By Anonym

    He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

    • humor quotes
  • By Anonym

    Hi folks, I'm Gerry Gross!

  • By Anonym

    High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know.

  • By Anonym

    His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

  • By Anonym

    His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

    • humor quotes
  • By Anonym

    His wry sense of humour and his stalwart courage were an inspiring example to so many. His ability to laugh at Life's idiosyncrasies and himself in a self deprecating way taught that most valuable of lessons: 'to be of good cheer, no matter what Life threw at you, and ever to find the hope that dwells in every human heart'.

  • By Anonym

    Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

  • By Anonym

    Houston has its largest crowd of the night here this evening.

  • By Anonym

    Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes.

  • By Anonym

    How are you gonna make an 'idol' from the type of person you're trying to avoid in real life?

  • By Anonym

    How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?