Best 15707 quotes in «humor quotes» category

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right'.

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity.

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

I didn't have all the expectations and the publicity. It probably made me work harder and learn more. It was a blessing in disguise.

I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents... my dad told me "You're good; you should be a computer programmer." I said, "You're bad... you should be a caveman.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".

I didn't notice him coming, but he didn't seem to be looking for an autograph signature

I'd like to punch out a really old lady. There'd be no repercussions.

I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

I do have to say that I think that President Obama is the greatest President in the history of all of our Presidents, and that he can do no wrong in my book. So how's that for prejudice on the Democratic side?

I do not believe the homosexual community deserves minority status. One's misbehavior does not qualify him or her for minority status. Blacks, Hispanics, women, etc., are God-ordained minorities who do indeed deserve minority status.

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me.

I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.

I don't have a very quick sense of humor.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

I don't know about Willie Davis. He's not as young as he used to be.

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

I don't like jokes in speeches. I do like wit and humor. A joke is to humor what pornography is to erotic language in a good novel.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I don't make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this >>>

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

I don't know how many sacred cows there are today. I think there's a little confusion between humor and gross passing for humor. That's kind of regrettable.

I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.

I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's back home, in the file. Under d...for doughnut.'

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I don't mean he missed him, but he just didn't get him when he put the tag on him.