Best 136 quotes of Billy Connolly on MyQuotes

,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.

A fart is just your arse applauding.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!

American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head -- supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.

A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

Don't vote, it only encourages them.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.

I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That's what girls do. I think I am a girl really.

I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.

I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.

I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.

I'd never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I've been learning more about it as I've been doing interviews. I didn't even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?

I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

If you're going to do an interview about a movie or anything like that, you're vulnerable. You say stupid things. Or if you're applying for a green card you feel very vulnerable and you're likely to spout out something stupid in the middle of it all.

If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.

I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.

I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

I just believe in the movie. I don't care what the book was like. I don't care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I've got.

I like Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.

I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.

I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I'm desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I'm going back, but I'm not. I'd rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.

I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.

I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

I'm a huge film star... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f--ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f--ing Muppet movie.

I?m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America. . . . People shout: "Hey ? I know you! You're That Guy.".

I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.

I'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I've done, I've never done any research.