Best 888 quotes in «witty quotes» category

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

A poet can survive everything but a misprint.

A politician thinks of the next election. A statesman, of the next generation.

A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.

Art is 'I'; science is 'we'.

A promiscuous person is a person who is getting more sex than you are.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

As an actor, you can really play the intensity and gravity and seriousness of the moment, and just rely on the circumstances being funny. The joke is kind of the situation you're in, or the way you're reacting to something, as opposed to the characters just saying something witty.

As marriage produces children, so children produce care and disputes; and wrangling.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Atheism Explained is a gem. It is clear, informative, well-argued, provocative, often witty, and unfailingly interesting. David Ramsay Steele ranges over so many issues that I should be surprised if he were right about everything, but it makes for a most stimulating read. The book is in a different league from Richard Dawkins's The God Delusion, and deserves much greater success.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

At once, it’s clear I cannot gush. We try me playing cocky, but I just don’t have the arrogance. Apparently, I’m too “vulnerable” for ferocity. I’m not witty. Funny. Sexy. Or mysterious By the end of the session, I am no one at all.

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

A witty illustration or an apt story will accomplish more than columns of argument.

A witty and informative professor posits that more authors do not choose titles borrowed from Shakespeare's sonnets and plays for the reason some people claim not to have partners: "All the good ones are taken.

A witty quote proves nothing.

A witty vicar once said that a good marriage is like a pair of scissors with the couple inseparable joined, often moving in opposite directions, yet always destroying anyone who comes between them. The trick is for the blades to learn to work smoothly together, so as not to cut each other.

A woman can be sexy, charming, witty or shy with her shoes.

A woman may have a witty tongue or a stinging pen but she will never laugh at her own individual shortcomings.

A zebra does not change its spots.

A zen couch potato is a person who contemplates the nature of televised existence.

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!

Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.

Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.

Beauty without wit offers nothing but the enjoyment of its material charms, whilst witty ugliness captivates by the charms of the mind, and at last fulfils all the desires of the man it has captivated.

Before we get too depressed about the state of our politics, let's remember our history ..... Many forms of Government have been tried, and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. What is amazing, is that despite all the conflict, our experiment in democracy has worked better than any form of government on earth

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

Being a journalist is good if you want to write books: it teaches you to get beyond the blank screen. My books have been described as froth but there's scope to be witty and ironic about everything in life.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Being witty was the only side effect of being depressed that was working for me.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Between funny and witty Falls the shadow

But you want to know about the influence of books on my life, and as I've said, there was only one. Seneca. . .Maybe that sounds dull, but the letters aren't - they're witty. I think you learn more if you're laughing at the same time.

Critchley and Webster’s fierce, witty exploration of Hamlet makes most other writing about Shakespeare seem simpleminded.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

Children and zip fasteners do not respond to force ... except occasionally.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off.