Best 888 quotes in «witty quotes» category

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.

It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities.

It's a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.

It's very witty and it's great to see teenage characters have control that way. And you can actually hear about sex and pot and it's okay, it's not completely bad and you can't say that to teenagers.

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.

It is my opinion that a man's soul may be buried and perish under a dung-heap, or in a furrow field, just as well as under a pile of money.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants

I've been blessed, because the type I started in was competition based. It was about being witty and smart and innovative and different. I don't get backlash like some of the reality shows today because that's not who I am.

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.

I've been enjoying 'Life on the Mississippi' by Mark Twain that I picked up at the airport randomly. It's very witty and interesting to read about his time as a steamboat pilot.

I've never had a humble opinion. If you've got an opinion, why be humble about it?

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

I want my brain to slide back into the slot it was meant to be in, rest there the way it did before the fall of last year, back when I was young, witty, and my teachers said I had incredible promise.

I was so amazingly witty when I had the No. 1 movie, you have no idea. People laughed at every single one of my jokes. Then when I hadn't had a hit for three or four years, some of these same people pretended they didn't see me when I walked in the room.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.

I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.

I would rather stay positive and get 50 percent good results, than stay negative and get 100 percent bad results!

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.

Judges ought to be more learned, than witty, more reverend, than plausible, and more advised, than confident. Above all things, integrity is their portion and proper virtue.

Laugh not too much; the witty man laughs least: For wit is news only to ignorance. Lesse at thine own things laugh; lest in the jest Thy person share, and the conceit advance.

Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

Let's have some new cliches.

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

Liverpool's grand opera also gave us some light comedy - on hearing the news that the house of goalkeeper Pepe Reina was burgled, and his Porsche stolen, while he was heroically saving penalties at Anfield, fans took a typically witty line: police were said to be interviewing a man from the West London area, a certain Frank Lampard, whose whereabouts on Tuesday between 7.45pm and 10.15pm are unknown. Indeed.

Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive.

Let's say you have $1,000,000 tied up in your little company and suddenly your advertising isn't working and sales are going down. And everything depends on it. Your future depends on it, your family's future depends on it, other people's families depend on it. Now, what do you want from me? Fine writing? Or do you want to see the goddamned sales curve stop moving down and start moving up?

Love is like a war; easy to start but hard to end and you never know where it might take you.

Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.

Letting Go: A Little Bit at a Time is filled with big ideas that just might change your life. Wise, witty, and important.

Love is the only passion which includes in its dreams the happiness of someone else.

Man is a being with free will; therefore, each man is potentially good or evil, and it's up to him and only him (through his reasoning mind) to decide which he wants to be.

Luckily the script [of X-files episode] was written wonderfully and that became who I was and I was quirky, and I was kind of agitated and not entirely happy, but at the same time, witty.