Best 294 quotes of Joan Rivers on MyQuotes

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.

After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.

Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.

A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.

All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young'; it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.

A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: "Run your own race, put on your blinders.

And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.

Any form of complacency is the kiss of death for any professional.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.

As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.

At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds. I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off. It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom. My best birth control now is to leave the lights on.

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

Better laid than never.

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

Boy George is all England needs. Another queen who can't dress.

But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.

Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh.

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.

Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Don't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

Every time I get on an airplane I figure it's gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.

Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.

Happiness, at my age, is breathing