Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

We have to get rid of pain in ass. She will not let me have good time. We should take her out.” “Take her out where?” Hanni grinned. “You know. Take her out. Waste her. Bang bang. Curtains.” “Hanni, I don’t think we’re going to be able to waste the baroness, but I agree she’s not going to make things pleasant for us.” “Then we must plan way to make her go home.” “Make it not nice for her here. She likes to eat. Serve her very little food.” “For someone straight from the convent, you are quite devious,” I said. “What means devious?” “Sneaky.” “Oh, like pulling a fast one,” she said, beaming. “Yeah. Sure thing, baby.

We know already ample experience that it does not require much cleverness or much learning to be a governor, for there are a hundred round about us that scarcely know how to read.

Welcome... to the Filthy Frank Show. If you're feeling suicidal, you've come to the right place. 'Cause I wanna fucking kill myself as well.

We live in a society where every business has a huge scope. Even if you open a shop selling snakes people will buy it. Thinking they will direct them to their neighbors house.

Well, Ben says you have to be married to get a girl pregnant. And me and Cindy are not married, so she couldn't get pregnant, see?

Well," he said. "I hope to God I never make forty -- I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

Well done girl, I . . I admire your treachery.' Ecruba hissed at Edith.

Well tarnation you're a meanie pants aren't you?" ~Miss Mary~

Well, thank the gods,' he sighed. 'Oh? And what would it be you're thanking them for?' Bahzell inquired, and Brandark grinned. 'For making roads and letting us find one. Not that I'm complaining, you understand, but this business of following you cross-country without the faintest idea where I am can worry a man.

Well?" said Loki. "What about you, Heimdall? Do you have any suggestions?" "I do," said Heimdall. "But you won't like it." Thor banged his fist down upon the table. "It does not matter whether or not we like it," he said. "We are gods! There is nothing that any of us gathered here would not do to get back Mjollnir, the hammer of the gods. Tell us your idea, and if it is a good idea, we will like it." "You won't like it," said Heimdall. "We will like it!" said Thor. "Well," said Heimdall, "I think we should dress Thor as a bride. Have him put on the necklace of the Brisings. Have him wear a bridal crown. Stuff his dress so he looks like a woman. Veil his face. We'll have him wear keys that jingle, as women do, drape him with jewels -" "I don't like it!" said Thor. "People will think... well, for a start they'll think I dress up in women's clothes. Absolutely out of the question. I don't like it. I am definitely not going to be wearing a bridal veil. None of us like this idea, do we? Terrible, terrible idea. I've got a beard. I can't shave off my beard." "Shut up, Thor," said Loki son of Laufey. "It's an excellent idea.

Well, I've got tomorrow morning off, so I thought I might spend that thinking about her. Basically, my plan is to maybe just romantically obsess over her but not really do anything about it.

Weird is just a side-effect of being awesome!

Well, so you don't get too cocky, I myself often complete the TV Guide crossword puzzle." He puffed out his chest. "In pen.

Well, looks like you won't be reaching nirvana anytime soon." She pushed a stray lock of hair off her forehead and sniffed. "Yes, I suppose that's true. I guess I'll just have to settle for a trip to Idaho.

Well, she asked him questions about his age and his attainments. The fact that he was a Catholic gave her pause, but when I explained to her that the present Pope was a well-meaning sort of chap, she said she was prepared to meet him halfway.

Well,' said Mrs. Erdleigh, speaking kindly, as if to a child who has proposed a game inevitably associated with the breakage of china, 'I know trouble will come of it if we do.

We may be pilgrims passing through this world, but let's not be grim-pills in the process!

Wenigstens hatte sie mich zur Freundin, ich nahm sie mit nach Hause und dort liebten wir gemeinsam mehrere Hamster zu Tode. Wer als Hamster in einem Kinderzimmer wiedergeboren wird, der hat in seinem vorherigen Leben etwas sehr Elementares falsch gemacht.

We’re animals, primates to be precise,” I pointed out. “Games are role playing from our hunter gatherer days.” “That's nothing to be proud of,” he said, in a fair imitation of Papa's manner.

We’re automatons in a symphony conducted by a lunatic and performed by blind idealists.” Damon

We're going to the Underworld," Izzy said. She bounced a little as she said it, her eyes bright and her tone implying that "the Underworld" was akin to "Candy Land.

We nearly had our asses handed to us in a sling by a bunny rabbit?

We're really awful animals. I mean, that dumb Barbra Streisand song, 'People who need people are the luckiest people in the world' - she's talking about cannibals. Lot's to eat.

Well, it all started when I figured out that the janitor at my high school was the Angel of Death…

We think we like or love some people until we see them regularly.

We sometimes try to impress people we just met by not trying to impress them.

We so need to work on your definition of relaxing.

We seldom look up to the person; we usually look up to their persona.

We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings who do them in public were large enough.

What about the old standby of kicking a guy in the groin?" "Try to." Love to...

We went to dinner the other night at a place that had a complimentary valet. I was disappointed when he only parked my car. I expected him to say, "You're a handsome man and eloquent of speech" since it was complementary and all, or at least, "You are dressed far better than that hobo over there and smell less odiferous" Alas it was not to be,

What are you working on?" Elizabeth asked. Nate could hear her tapping a pencil on her desk. She took notes during their conversations. He didn't know what she did with the notes, but it bothered him. "I have a lecture at the sanctuary in four days." Why, why had he told her? Why? Now she'd rattle down the mountain in her ancient Mercedes that looked like a Nazi staff car, sit in the audience, and ask all the questions that she knew in advance he couldn't answer.

What are summer teeth? Summer in their mouth, Some are elsewhere.

What do you call a rifle with three barrels? A trifle.

What do you mean, is that it? I just saved his career and the CIA from ruin and he calls me a perfidious ass." "What's perfidious mean?" Ace asked from the driver's seat. "You deceived him and stole his girlfriend out from under his nose," Julia said to Conrad. "I think technically 'ass' is a pretty mild revilement." "Revilement?" Ace looked at one and then the other in his rearview. "This is some kind of spy talk, isn't it? Okay, I'm down with it. Just tell me what it means.

What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said "no-no!", forgot the "o" and decided to become a nun!

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

What if I wanted to rule the world?" she asked lightly. "I might desire to sit on a throne of skulls and be the universe's dark queen." "I'd totally help you with that," Jared told her. " I am so willing to be a minion, you have no idea. I will throw people into aquariums full of mutant octopi and sharks with lasers on their heads on command.

We skipped right over Walmart on the ladder down.

What better time to be kind to a beautiful stranger than when she’s weak, and rocking a schnoz like the Godfather?

What did Finnick Odair want?” he asks. I turn and put my lips close to Peeta's and drop my eyelids in imitation of Finnick. “He offered me sugar and wanted to know all my secrets,” I say in my best seductive voice. Peeta laughs. “Ugh. Not really.” “Really,” I say. “I'll tell you more when my skin stops crawling.

What does God look like?' 'Don't ask me. God's God. He's everywhere. watching what we do, judging whether it's good or bad. 'Sounds like a soccer referee.

What does it take to be a writer? 1) Foolhardily believing that someone might actually be interested in reading what you've written. 2) Spending an enormous amount of time writing it as well as you can. 3) Accepting that, at best, you'll probably be paid something around 25 cents an hour for your efforts.

Whatever lies in the soul, can never be stolen.

What happens," called out Max, "if you win?" "We die anyway, but I become legend" I explained

What is even happening here?" Will said, looking to each of us and the back to wherever the cougars had wandered off to. "Am I drunk? Hanna, they just pinched my ass and this one"- he motioned to George- "wants to claim me for his own. A little help?" Hanna took a drink off her frilly drink, complete with big pink umbrella and some sort of neon glow stick. "I don't know, you seem to be doing pretty well on your own there," she said, then took another long pull of her straw.

What I know now is that gallant young men rarely get pussy. Put it on a sampler and hang it in your kitchen.

What if everything about me is totally made up? What if I’m actually…I don’t know. A wanted fugitive in the States.” “Julia.” He reached across the table and grabbed her hand. “Nobody makes up being a high school math teacher.” “That’s why it’s the perfect disguise!” He shook his head. “Nobody.

What is serious in laughing, worrying, grieving, mourning, concerning about anything which is temporary? Well, it is funny, actually, when you know life isn't immortal.

What level of personal are we talking about?" she mumbled. "I don't mind discussing my periods in graphic detail, but I'm probably going to stay quiet about the jar of fingernail clippings I carry with me at all times.