Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Once she even successfully argued on behalf of my older brother, Dan, getting a BBGun, a weapon which he promptly turned against his younger siblings, outfitting us in helmet and leather jacket and instructing us to run across Eaton Park while he practiced his marksmanship. Today he is a colonel in the army and the rest of us are gun-shy.

One can hardly do anything productive when one knows there is cake in the fridge.

One day in 1948 or 1949, the Brentwood County Mart, a shopping complex in an upscale neighborhood of Los Angeles, California, was the scene of a slight disturbance that carried overtones of the most spectacular upheaval in twientieth-century music. Marta Feuchtwanger, wife of émigré novelist Lion Feuchtwanger, was examining grapefruit in the produce section when she heard a voice shouting German from the far end of the aisle. She looked up to see Arnold Schoenberg, the pioneer of atonal music and the codifier of twelve-tone composition, bearing down on her, with his bald pate and burning eyes. Decades later, in conversation with the writer Lawrence Weschler, Feuchtwanger could recall every detail of the encounter, including the weight of the grapefruit in her hand. “Lies, Frau Marta, lies!” Schoenberg was yelling. “You have to know, I never had syphilis!

One day we found them. They must of been holding a gook convention or something, cause it seem like the same sort of deal as when you step on a anthill and they all come swarming around.

One headline read: ‘West Ham supporters set light to a yacht.’ Now, if that boat was a yacht, then it probably only needed two paddles to row it. But if the headlines were exaggerated, the events of that night weren’t. Some nasty things happened that night. It was inevitable when you had a thousand young men down for a football match with nowhere to stay and nowhere open. [...] It was well into the wee hours before we at last found somewhere to crash out. We met a bird and bloke who were local, and for some unknown reason they offered us the use of their flat on the seafront. Needless to say, we showed our appreciation of their generosity by guzzling the spirits cabinet dry and trashing the flat. The bloke was so pissed he was half joining in while the bird, who we all thought was a bit odd, was going mental. In fact, she was like a fucking animal. - Jimmy Smith

One man's Mona Lisa is another man's velvet Elvis.

One of my favorite quotes is: "... If I strike you it ain't going to be in your fancy.

One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made that weird sigh when you sat down on it. I'm not a germaphobe or anything like that, but it is weird to think about all the ass time this seat had seen before we moved in. This is a horrible invention. What's the plan? You want to create a toilet seat so comfortable that you can fall asleep while you're taking a shit? You're going to show up late for work or end up like Elvis.

One of the fundamental axioms of masculine self-regard is that the tools and appurtenances of a man's life must be containable within the pockets of his jacket and pants. Wallet, keys, gum, show or ball game tickets, Kleenex, condoms, cell phone, maybe a lighter and a pack of cigarettes: Just cram it all in there, motherfucker.

One of our professors described a lecture as 'a mystical process by which the notes on the pad of the lecturer pass on to the pad of the student, without passing through the mind of either'.

One of the most common and most dangerous misbeliefs is that it is impossible for someone to be stupid just because they are a doctor or a lawyer.

One of the things I love about labeling myself as an author is that I can read books and call it "researching writing styles." --Mike Mankoff

One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

One should never marry a man who doesn't own a decent set of scissors.

One thing I’d realized in the last year was that there were some things no one could give you permission to do. All the same, it didn’t mean you couldn’t or shouldn’t do them— particularly when it came to the big things, like saving the world, or journeying to a supernatural seam between realities, or bringing your boyfriend back from the dead.

One thing I have to give Christians; were it not for Sunday, every day of the week would be a workday.

One year I went as a pirate, but from then on I went as a hobo. It's a word you don't hear anymore. Along with 'tramp,' it's been replaced by 'homeless person,' which isn't the same thing. Unlike someone who was evicted or lost his house in a fire, the hobo roughed it by choice. Being at liberty, unencumbered by bills and mortgages, better suited his drinking schedule, and so he found shelter wherever he could, never a bum, but something much less threatening, a figure of merriment, almost.

Ongetwijfeld vroeg hij zich af waarom ik voor een overledene klopte.

Only Boiled Seeds are afraid of failure.

Only the great warriors fall down from their horses; one would not fall who rides a donkey cart.

Only few moments of love has greater value than entire life

On the topic of winning, and the lottery: You can't lose if you don't play, therefore not losing , is winning!

On the toilet no one is a star. Remember that and you will go far in life.

Opportunity comes to everyone it depends on you whether you take it or leave it. Learn to take risks and play hard because at the end you'd be thankful for your struggle.

On those who judge, illusions are entertaining; In honestly, I find error in some of their truth.

Opera?" Trelon asked tiredly, "What the hell is opera?" "I'll tell you what it is! It is the screeching of the death birds, that 's what it is! Capturing Cara (Dragon Lords of Valdier, #2)

Optimism is a gift, but one that must be carefully controlled. Your hopeful optimism will get us all killed!

Or should I say that he is like the hand that is able to scratch your itchy parts with the perfect amount of strength!

Ooooohh, I heard you had an STD, but I thought it was just a rumor. Does it really burn?" - Moose in reference to Jadyn's "burning bush" -

Opposities are married.

Orange is the New Black is a really boring porn.

Otis," I said. "Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis." "I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay." Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.

Otis! Will you PLEASE stop killing me!

Our atheist thoughts go out to his family following their loss.

Our guy has a property office, John. And I don't mean the Property Office here in One PP. I mean the huge fucking storage facility. A guy in there, with access to thousands of fucking handguns. Even the ones that other people would be keeping an eye on, like Son of Sam's piece, for fuck's sake - a guy in there who'll just boost them and give them to our guy to kill people with. And if the guns are too famous, he'll cut his own slugs out of the bodies and walk away. This guy, our guy, he's actually starting to scare me a bit right now." "A couple of hundred kills to his name didn't do that?" "Meh. I dream about killing two hundred people every fucking night." "You know," said Tallow, "whenever I'm in danger of forgetting you're CSU, you always find a way to remind me.

Pardon me Mam,I'm new in town, could you please show me the way to your house?

Panty Melter: an exceedingly rare species of man blessed with so many desirable attributes he effortlessly gains access into a girl's panties.

. . . parent could embarrass their kids during the teenage years, but only a true virtuoso could embarrass them into their twenties and beyond.

Part of my soul goes into each quote I write. A book of my quotes can be yours for just $19.99.

Patients, beings who want to be rehabilitated, send me questions See? I answer them real fast, 1 2 3 done Like so You get?' Toby said, his pale green fingers clattering across the keyboard. 'I think so,' I said, shifting in my chair. 'Okay hear we go First question: I just moved to a new city and there's a school next door All the kids, every last student, wear the same clothes Are they all related Is this one of those mafia families I need to be careful around You know the answer? Toby asked, swiveling to face me. 'Perhaps,' I said after thinking a moment. It took a second to distinguish when the question ended and when Toby's remarks started. 'You sure, I can check real quick 1 2 3 I check that fast,' Toby said, his words zooming out of his mouth while Google search engine popped up on his computer screen.

Patriotism is the narcissism of countries.

Overflowing with the milk of human kindness, the family had invited everyone they could think of, including people they cordially disliked.

Pan Bilbo ho naučil i číst a psát — nic zlýho tím ovšem nemyslel a doufám, že z toho nic zlýho nevzejde

Paranoid? Probably. But just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that there isn't an invisible demon about to eat your face.

Paranoid means you are aware of 10% of the problem

Passing their toilet training is the very last thing that some adults did that has made their parents proud of them.

Passion + Vision +Skill + Mentoring = Success.

Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.)

People ask me where I got my x-ray powers. I inherited them from my parents in parental supervision. Erase the dots and your doubts if you think that I was 'raysed' alone.

People are so poor around these parts, they eat their cereal with a fork to save on milk. They gotta take the bus to do a drive-by