Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

At the other end....was provided a deep and cushioned seat. Here, on the cushion, lay a folio tome, probably of the Chronicles of England, or other such substantial literature; even as, in our own days, we scatter gilded volumes on the centre-table, to be turned over by the casual guest.

A vine from one tree shot out, tripping Blaise. He and Merewyn rolled to the ground. Varian stood between them and the trees, which shot blast after blast at him. He deflected them, but even so the heat from the fire was scorching. 'Go, Blaise,' he said. 'Get Merewyn out of here.' Blaise nodded before he crawled to Merewyn under the barrage. 'Hold!' The blast stopped as the three of them froze into place. Again the woman appeared in the fire to stare at them maliciously. 'What is it you do?' 'I'm crawling,' Blaise answered.

Awoke to find three vultures sitting on the fence. Realizing they were a portent of impending death I shot them.

A wise man is someone who knows how to convert obstacles into resources.

A woman calls from Seaview to say her linen closet is missing. Last September, her house had six bedrooms, two linen closets. She's sure of it. Now she's only got one. She comes to open her beach house for the summer. She drives out from the city with the kids and the nanny and the dog, and here they are with all heir luggage, and their towels are gone. Disappeared. Poof. Bermuda triangulated.

A woman is a flower.

A word to the wise an't nesisary its the stupid ones who need the edvise.

Aw, come on, admit it—you feel like Cinderella, don’t you?” “No, Darren, I don’t. And do you know why?” “No, sugar, you tell me why.” “Because I’m a man. I’ve got a big fat one and I like to fuck other guys.” Darren was laughing over the phone now, and it made Reece grin. “And Ben isn’t a prince, he’s a cop. A big, sexy cop who fucks like a machine. He’s a man. I’m a man. We’re men.” He nodded sharply. “Now fuck off. I’m arranging flowers.

A weapon needs a wielder; it should not be permitted to start its own fights." "You are not my wielder; you are naught, a forgotten ghost, not even a memory." "Maybe, but you are still a weapon.

A woman on an online dating site asked if I'd ever had an STD. I told her my high school prom date was named 'Chlamydia.

Balls is good, dude. Balls is just - it's straight up. You know what you're getting with balls. Death is what you're getting.

Basker possesses three kinds of bite: a snap, a nip, and then something like a buzz saw and an angle grinder mounted on a bear trap.

Basset Hounds never get scared. We’re fearless, resolute and know how to season a good lamb chop.

Beauty lies in the LIES of the beholder!

BABY BOY, FASHION IS NOT FOR ADVERTISING YOUR FAVE SEX ACTS ON YOUR SHIRT. UNH-UNH, NO IT'S NOT !

Be brave to share your story! Each of our stories, have a golden treasure for a specific need.

Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you.

Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a man is jealous of his own car, house, wardrobe, or salary.

Before her birth was she an idea? Before her birth was she dead? And after her birth she would die? What a thin slice of watermelon.

Be generous with your smile and try not to frown. And you will see my children; your smile will never let you down ☺

Behind every man is a woman that can easily flirt.

Being able to write a tale within a Tweet some would say was mighty sweet

A writing day is like any other day. Except I live in my pajamas, I forget to eat, and I suddenly look up, wondering when day turned into night.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

Be calm on your wedding day; she won’t kill you in front of a hundred people, no matter what you've done.

Before we got married we asked our grandfathers, whose own marriages had lasted forty years or more, "What is the secret to a happy marriage? And they paused, looked down at their chicken salad, and said, 'You really have to like each other. After the attraction, you really have to like the person.'" ...our mothers tolds us...ask him how his day was. Take an interest in his profession.

Behind every humorist who delights in knifing hypocrites is a major self-critic.

Being a monk was the strangest and most perverted way of life imaginable. Monks spent half their lives putting themselves through pain and discomfort that they could easily avoid, and the other half muttering meaningless mumbo jumbo in empty churches at all hours of the day and night. They deliberately shunned anything good—girls, sports, feasting and family life.

Being bigheaded can be as irritating and as dangerous as being small-minded.

... Being a Mom is hard, but trying to remain rational while hungry is even harder.

Being rich or famous is the only profound thing that some people have ever said.

Being Wise & Being Smart are two different things anyone can be smart but those who master the art of knowing what to overlook in this journey called life deserves to be called Wise

Believe in something, and let that something be yourself.

BELIEVE so DEEPLY that you no longer question that it is possible

Bessie was News, Leaders, and Gossip; Enid was Features, Make-up and general Sub. Whenever they were at a loss for copy they would mercilessly pillage ancient copies of Punch or Home Chat. An occasional hole in the copy was filled with a ghoulish smudge - local block-making had clearly indicated that somewhere a poker-work fanatic had gone quietly out of his mind. In this way the Central Balkan Herald was made up every morning and then delivered to the composition room where the chain-gang quickly reduced it to gibberish. MINISTER FINED FOR KISSING IN PUBIC. WEDDING BULLS RING OUT FOR PRINCESS. QUEEN OF HOLLAND GIVES PANTY FOR EX-SERVICE MEN. MORE DOGS HAVE BABIES THIS SUMMER IN BELGRADE. BRITAINS NEW FLYING-GOAT.

Best timepass for idle person is to find another and gossip, without realising that there are superlative degrees of idle, idler, and idlest.

Better days are coming! They're called Saturday and Sunday.

Be wary the treasure you pluck is not attached to the toe of a dragon.

Big people never scare me. I am a little man. I can easily hide.

Birds are waterproof.

Błogosławiony ten, co nie mając nic do powiedzenia, nie obleka tego faktu w słowa.

Bookstores should be broken down into two sections: books that suck and books that don’t suck.

Boys are just dogs

Borman's dumping urine. Urine [in] approximately one minute." Two lines further along, we see Lovell saying, "What a sight to behold!

Both of you be safe," Nessa said, looking to Turner. "Welcome to my messed up home, by the way." "Messed up?" Turner asked. "They seem like a loving bunch, all willing to kill each other off. What's family if there isn't any drama?" Turner winked at Nessa, and she nodded in reply. Drama was what the sidhe were all about.

Boric, feeling dizzy and light-headed, shambled toward Randor’s corpse, which was still making an impressive effort to pump blood to Randor’s head. His head unfortunately lay some three feet away — an insurmountable distance for even the most robust circulatory system.

Boys are raw materials that women manufacture into products called men.

Boredom is probably more frequent and more tormenting if you do not have sight or hands.

Breeze strolled over to the table and chose a seat with his characteristic decorum. The portly man raised his dueling cane, pointing it at Ham. 'I see that my period of intellectual respite has come to an end.' Ham smiled. 'I thought up a couple beastly questions while I was gone, and I've been saving them just for you, Breeze.' 'I'm dying of anticipation,' Breeze said. He turned his cane toward Lestibournes. 'Spook, drink.' Spook rushed over and fetched Breeze a cup of wine. 'He's such a fine lad,' Breeze noted, accepting the drink. 'I barely even have to nudge him Allomantically. If only the rest of you ruffians were so accommodating.' Spook frowned. 'Niceing the not on the playing without.' 'I have no idea what you just said, child,' Breeze said. 'So I'm simply going to pretend it was coherent, then move on.' Kelsier rolled his eyes. 'Losing the stress on the nip,' he said. 'Notting without the needing of care.' 'Riding the rile of the rids to the right,' Spook said with a nod. 'What are you two babbling about?' Breeze said testily. 'Wasing the was of brightness,' Spook said. 'Nip the having of wishing of this.' 'Ever wasing the doing of this,' Kelsier agreed. 'Ever wasing the wish of having the have,' Ham added with a smile. 'Brighting the wish of wasing the not.' Breeze turned to Dockson with exasperation. 'I believe our companions have finally lost their minds, dear friend.' Dockson shrugged. Then, with a perfectly straight face, he said, 'Wasing not of wasing is.

Briar stood, pushing up her sleeves. 'It's about to get all nonfiction in here'.