Best 3653 quotes in «humorous quotes» category

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

Gandhi has sound economic and cultural reasons for encouraging the revival of cottage industries, but he does not counsel a fanatical repudiation of all modern progress. Machinery, trains, automobiles, the telegraph have played important parts in his own colossal life! Fifty years of public service, in prison and out, wrestling daily with practical details and harsh realities in the political world, have only increased his balance, open-mindedness, sanity, and humorous appreciation of the quaint human spectacle.

Get your mind unbound and free; and then from the loosest, highest, best place you have, with the fastest and most humorous mind you can get together, you can reach out and make a try at understanding Spirit.

God always has another custard pie up his sleeve.

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.

God is indeed dead. He died of self-horror when He saw the creature He had made in His own image.

Give me a museum and I'll fill it.

God has a brown voice, as soft and full as beer.

Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them.

Goresthorpe Grange is a feudal mansion - or so it was termed in the advertisement which originally brought it under my notice. Its right to this adjective had a most remarkable effect upon its price, and the advantages gained may possibly be more sentimental than real. Still, it is soothing to me to know that I have slits in my staircase through which I can discharge arrows; and there is a sense of power in the fact of possessing a complicated apparatus by means of which I am enabled to pour molten lead upon the head of the casual visitor.

Good wine needs no bush, And perhaps products that people really want Need no hard-sell or soft-sell TV push. Why not? Look at pot.

Good women are no fun... The only good woman I can recall in history was Betsy Ross. And all she ever made was a flag.

Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you're able to persecute.

Go to humorous events at comedy clubs and watch laughable movies.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens, or I shall burst.

Grove giveth and Gates taketh away.

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.

He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon.

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.

He had never seen a woman doctor before, and his whole conservative soul rose up in revolt at the idea. He could not recall any biblical injunction that the man should remain ever the doctor and the woman the nurse, and yet he felt as if a blasphemy had been committed.

Hell is a half-filled auditorium.

Hell is paved with good samaritans.

He gave me a copy of The Declaration of Independence, then he got a tattoo that says Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death. I think my boyfriend wants his freedom.

He hadn’t a single redeeming vice.

He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.

Having plead guilty, I do not believe that I am any different than the vast majority of the members of Congress.

Here was my first lesson on the resolutely maintained untidiness and ill-health of the English upper orders. In baggy evening dress and old before their time, they displayed gapped and tangled teeth in loosely open mouths. Gently shedding dandruff, they lurched across the lawn. When they stood at the bar they looked like Lee Trevino Putting.

Hemingway was a jerk.

Here is the piece. If you can't say fornicate can you say copulate or if not that can you say co-habit? If not that would have to say consummate I suppose. Use your own good taste and judgment.

he's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something

He was by no means opposed to hard labour on principle, for he would work away at a cricket-match by the day together, - running, and catching, and batting, and bowling, and revelling in toil which would exhaust a galley-slave.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic.

How can one better magnify the Almighty than by sniggering with him at his little jokes, particularly the poorer ones?

He that plays the king shall be welcome- his Majesty shall have tribute of me; the adventurous knight shall use his foil and target; the lover shall not sigh gratis; the humorous man shall end his part in peace; the clown shall make those laugh whose lungs are tickle o' th' sere; and the lady shall say her mind freely, or the blank verse shall halt fort.

How can I lose to such an idiot?

How glorious it is - and also how painful - to be an exception.

History is written by the victors.

Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

I admire that about the Republicans: The evidence does not faze them. They are not bothered at all by the facts.