Best 339 quotes in «sarcastic quotes» category

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    If you wish to be part of my life, the door is always open.The door remains open if you choose to leave..but don't just hover in the doorway with indecision because you're blocking the traffic!

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    I'm still furious with you," she murmured, kissing a line down his chest. "Oh, God, please don't be furious," he choked out quickly. "Every female I know is furious with me. Rosalyn throws tantrums, and Charlotte hasn't spoken to me or written since you left." He moved his hands to unbutton her gown. "The morning I thought you'd sailed out of my life I started drinking and didn't stop until I'd finished two bottles. For three days I had a blistering headache, and Nedda couldn't for the life of her stop banging things." He groaned. "And I can't even begin to tell you about your sisters.

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    I'll never understand ninety-nine percent of humanity. - Enoch

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    In every day and in every way, we're all that much closer to death.

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    I have a new found respect for Atlas.

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    I needed to make choices for me, whoever I was. I’d say I needed to find myself, if that didn’t sound like I was heading into the Himalayas, taking only a backpack stuffed with angst and clean underwear

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    I really do mean to offend you, you know.

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    I stared at the phone, thankful it stopped bouncing right before tumbling over the edge. If I told Mom I needed another phone, she’d have a llama

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    I sort of fell." "Percy! Six hundred and thirty feet?

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    It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing

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    It pains me to admit this, but Roger was a good sight less stupid than most children.

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    In the battle of DNAs, your DNA will always win against the DNA of your father.

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    Little-known fact about cheerleaders: They keep schedules that would make grown marines cry.

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    It’s so obvious that you’re gonna ask a good looking dude to be with you for the rest of your holiday while you only know his name for like 2 hours, 32 minutes, 12 seconds.” “Trisha! Being mean is my job! June, you’re so predictable, like, it’s not a shock for us if you’re gonna ask a good looking dude to be with you for the rest of your holiday while you only know his name for like 2 hours, 33 minutes, 2 seconds.

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    It was a master surgeon, him that ampytated me - out of college and all - Latin by the bucket, and what not; but he was hanged like a dog, and sun-dried like the rest, at Corso Castle.

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    Never trust your colleagues. Work politics are founded by them.

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    Madame will forgive me for not perceiving her busyness. It is a sign of the highest breeding to be able to be busy whilst appearing idle to the uninformed observer.

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    My maid never sweeps under the bed so I asked her to do so today. Found a pen, three pairs of shoes and the man I had lost two years ago.

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    No, but as a vampire, I'm able to detect subtle shifts in emotional energy.

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    One time, I went to a restaurant and I asked the waiter for some food for thought. He left, came back, and tried shoving a sirloin in my ear.

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    Perfect! Now we're being chased by hoards of monkeys! Perhaps you would care to name their species as we're attacked, just so I can appreciate the special traits of said monkey as it kills me!" "At least when the monkeys are harassing you, you dont have any time to harass me!

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    Murderous thieves make their home here." She failed to keep the tremor from her voice. "Absolutely," Jonas replied. "Dangerous animals too." "Without a doubt." She slanted a look toward him. "Perfect place for you." He repressed a snort. "Oh, such compliments, your highness. You're going to make me blush.

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    Nietzsche said ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,’” Jim said to me as we slogged along another trash-strewn roadside." “Yeah, right,” I said. “How about radiation?

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    So what's it to be, Bear?" Dev lifted his leg and gave a sarcastic slap to his thigh. "By golly, I'll take door number two, Bob. You know the one that calls for straight suicide with a side of mutilation and pain? Sign my hairy ass up for that and don't be late.

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    Politics to me was the whining of an old braggart too proud to admit his faults and too vain to try something new. All of their agendas and manifestos were nothing but a lucrative offer to deceive the fools and encourage the clever in deceiving more fools.

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    So, you're telling me the zoo commissioned you to make a zombie panda in order to avoid a potential international incident.

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    The Black Pit of Despair is temporarily closed for renovations. We apologize for any inconvenience.

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    The jusitce is blind. Turn the surveillance cameras off!

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    PRINT the ticket, take the ride!

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    The problem is that in this jail there are too many mosquitoes, they don't let me sleep.

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    The only difference between having an affair here and having an affair there was that the American men would always ended up losing half of his estates over a woman he was infatuated just as much as the next tramp who would come his way, while Japanese men would only earn more respect from their subordinates through the possession of much younger women, as a sign of prowess and affluence, while their wives at home, as if there were rule books distributed nationally on the “proper” marriage etiquette for all young Japanese women to read before they enter into the matrimony, would turn a blind eye on their disloyalty quietly.

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    The worst thing about the dead rising? (Other than, you know, all the zombies?) The smell. Nothing kills the mood like the odor of three day old road kill and poo... -Katherine Anita Cho(KyCH)

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    The more silent you are at bed during times of crisis, the more are the chances of an amicable, dignified and a not so counterproductive interchange of romantic exuberance.

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    There you are," Cardan says as I take my place beside him. "How has the night been going for you? Mine has been full of dull conversation about how my head is going to find itself on a spike.

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    Time is a taunter of cheated hearts

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    This Jacoby character, regardless of how dreamy he may appear, is aiding and abetting my captivity. Not exactly the kind of guy you want to bring home to meet mom.

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    Wait-you mean the Mall, as in a bunch of museums in DC that we would wander around and I'd pretend like I understood modern art while really thinking, holy crap, a gremlin could have painted that and for all we know did, or the mall, as in picking out a new pair of shoes, eating food that's terrible for us, and making up life stories for all the people that pass us?" 'I can see now that I must have meant the second.' "What a smart boy.

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    Understandably she had a lot of suitors, just like any other girls in China with two arms and legs.

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    Unalloyed Joy of Life has become a trademark; starting from the day, when the world economy has come to a standstill.

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    Well, you are a wolf, I don't think it's a good idea to start the habit of you sleeping in the bed, you know, with all the shedding and what-not.

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    We’re automatons in a symphony conducted by a lunatic and performed by blind idealists.” Damon

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    wen thectaste of my own medicine is given to me results into silent treatment,its not bitter therefore i enjoy the medicine i gave you too.

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    We went to Mexico, had some tequlia, eloped with a pair of drug smugglers, and took part-time jobs as exotic dancers. You know, same old, same old.

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    When friends become overfriendly - smell fish!

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    While I still did not know what self- actualization that sat on the top level of the pyramid meant, I could believe that if I knew I would be able to say something positive about it as well in my life.

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    Welcome to the 21st century cosmopolitan world where biased thoughts preside over unbiased deeds, simple gestures become overrated gossip materials and injustice is a part of long term justice.

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    Why do I feel a song coming on?" said Bean. The sarcastic words slipped out of him unbidden.

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    Why did you ask me to live with you? Werewolves hate vampires.” “I don’t,” said Kyle.” I’m not too fond of their kind, though.” He jabbed a finger at Jace. “They think they’re better than everyone else.” “No,” said Jace. “I think I’m better than everyone else. An opinion that has been backed up with ample evidence.” Kyle looked at Simon. “Does he always talk like this?” “Yes.

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    You are free.You were born free and you can do whatever you want but between the limits

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    You can make fun of yourself and people will laugh at you. If you’re smart, you’ll end up as a comedian. If you’re not, you’ll end up as a clown.