Best 339 quotes in «sarcastic quotes» category

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own.

Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter.

Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.

Everything I write is personal, really. Even when I'm sarcastic, it's quite personal. And on this record, from the production to the singing to the performances, I got it really honest. To the modern ear, it seems soft. When you hear it against other things, it seems vulnerable. Lyrically and musically, though, this is more subtle. And, yes, it's asking a lot of someone who's used to being hit over the head with bright neon to listen to this.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does.

For hearts that are kindly, with virtue and peace, and not seeking blindly a hoard to increase; for those who are grieving o'er life's sordid plan; for souls still believing in heaven and man; for homes that are lowly with love at the board; for things th

Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.

Everyone knows what a hypocrite is. That's the guy who gripes about the sex, violence and nudity on his VCR.

For your information, I would like to ask a question.

Good women are no fun... The only good woman I can recall in history was Betsy Ross. And all she ever made was a flag.

German in the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

God forbid that any book should be banned. The practice is as indefensible as infanticide.

He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends.

He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser.

He has inhibited discussion by designating admonition as the method of dealing with a heretic- and the first method, too, because he is not a Christian. This is so that he would not seem to require correction again and again and before two or three witnesses as though he were a Christian. He ought to be corrected for the very reason that he is not to be disputed with. In addition, this is said because a controversy over the Scriptures can, clearly, produce no other effect than help to upset either the stomach or the brain.

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else. This is not advice, it is merely custom.

He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style.

He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.

Her face was her chaperone.

Her skin was white as leprosy.

He's a trellis for varicose veins.

He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright.

He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea, and that was wrong.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

I find myself to be quite sarcastic, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't get that.

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one.

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

He's so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code.

He's liked, but he's not well liked.

He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.

He was about as useful in a crisis as a sheep.

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with.