Best 3518 quotes in «humour quotes» category

I don't know who you are; you could be an axe murderer for all I know. How am I supposed to trust you and follow you? For that matter, follow you where?" Gabe inquired. "Search yourself, what do your instincts tell you?" Uri asked. "That you're a crazy nut job and freaking me out!" Gabe snapped back.

I don’t know why Kate was trying to impress him, as far as I could see the guy had all the allure and social grace of a psychotic slug with halitosis and a bad head cold.

I don’t know whether Asimov realized he was saying this as well, but as an old historical materialist, if only as an afterthought, he must have realized that he was saying too: No one here will ever look at you, read a word you write, or consider you in any situation, no matter whether the roof is falling in or the money is pouring in, without saying to him- or herself (whether in an attempt to count it or to discount it), 'Negro...' The racial situation, permeable as it might sometimes seem (and it is, yes, highly permeable), is nevertheless your total surround. Don’t you ever forget it...! And I never have.

I don't like good habits. They strike me as being so easily broken.

I don’t know where she comes up with this stuff. Her mind... it’s like I’ve come upon this secret vault that science will someday discover — or probably never discover. Which is fine by me. Kind of like when there’s a band I really like but nobody knows about them. I want people I like to hear them, but when the whole world jumps on the bandwagon I get pissed. Because I found them first. Unless, of course, it’s one of my bands... in which case the world is more than welcome to jump. But Heaven... I’d prefer it if nobody else jumps on her.

I don’t think I like that boy.” He growled, glaring for effect, just in case I hadn’t figured out his oh-so-subtle interpersonal cues. “He’s a sweet kid,” I insisted, folding the gray blazer over my arm. “He’s a teenage boy,” Cal said, his dark eyes narrowed. “They’re all sexual deviants under the surface. I should know. I was a teenage boy once.” “Thousands of years ago,” I countered. “Times may change, but testosterone does not.

I don't think you have talent!! But... I guess Fuuka will do. I have no choice!

I don't think I'd want Mickey Mouse pimping for me anyway.

I don't want to settle down because God has satisfied me and heard my prayers. I want to stay hungry and thirsty for the things of God.

I do think your brother grows more peculiar every day,' I complain to Edward when he comes to my rooms in Whitehall Palace to escort me to dinner. 'Which one?' he asks lazily. 'For you know I can do nothing right in the eyes of either. You would think they would be glad to have a York on the throne and peace in Christendom, and one of the finest Christmas feasts we have ever arranged; but no: Richard is leaving court to go back north as soon as the feast is over, to demonstrate his outrage that we are not slogging away in a battle with the French, and George is simply bad tempered.

I doubt I could get a tan anyway. I love pyjamas.

I'd rather teach you how to make BREAD than give you a SLICE from my BREAD.

I dream of books!

I'd watch his smooth chest rise and fall with each steady breath, I'd watch the pulsating of his stomach when he laughed, and I'd never forget to make a comment or two about the wispy trail of grey fuzz that lined up perfectly centre with his body - and I thought that straight lines didn't exist in nature. "Look at that old man hair," I'd say, purposely trying to get a reaction from him. Sometimes I'd even run my hand over his stomach so that he'd feel it. He'd grab my hand to make me stop, or pretend that he was going to hit me as he laughed with me. "At least I don't have a grizzly bear ass like somebody I know.

I envy the man to snatch him up. This will be the only time in life I’m siding with Freud and experiencing ‘penis envy’. There will never be a repeat. Can’t be associated with too much crazy, I’m juggling enough on my own.

I fall off horses," he explained to Loghain with a sickly grin. "It's this thing I do.

If an angry bull is running toward you, and your pants become wet despite holding the red cloth, make sure the other side of the cloth is white.

If an Artist falls in love with you, you will live forever.

If asked which words one associated with the Sahara, only the most dedicated surrealist might be expected to offer "whale".

If blending in was an Olympic sport, Justin Monaghetti would have won gold. He took comfort from this. Even at primary school, when kids called him names, they tended to go with ‘Justin Mona-spaghetti’, or other equally idiotic options. They never made fun of his face though – it had, as far as he could tell, no distinguishing features.

I feel fresh.

I fell head over heels for her, and now, I have a stitch on my nose.

I felt like I had been run over by ‘Big Bird’ driving a London bus.

If God give you a status, don't turn yourself to a statue. Don't become a monument. God still want to reside inside you but not in a monument.

If God gives you a gift and you don't know what to do with it, it won't make you happy. Some of you God gave a wonderful husband but you can't make a home and some of you God gave a wonderful wife but you can't make a good husband. Some of you can't even unwrap the gift so that you can appreciate it.

If God can help us locate demands, He can also help us locate the leaks.

If heaven was created only for the most stupid clown, then Mr Bean could have been the only righteous man on earth.

If heaven really exists: then heaven is the job, hell is unemployment, while life is merely an interview.

If I could do it all again, I would start three hundred years ago, and write twice as fast.

If I could split myself into five people, I would still be behind on my writing schedule. I see now why James Patterson cloned himself so many times.

If I don't keep this job, then my only future career-options are working in Argos, or being a prostitute,' I say, wildly. 'Maybe you could work in Argos as a prostitute,' my mother says, merrily. She appears to be enjoying this conversation. 'They could list you in the catalogue, and people could queue up, and wait for you to come down the conveyor belt.

If I had followed every urge I ever had, I would have had much more sex and killed a lot more people

If I have to face the end of human existence, I want to look totally smoking when it happens. Now shut the hell up.

If I have found favor in thy sight, and if it be possible, and if I be meet therefore, shew me then whether there be more to come than is past, or more past than is to come.

If I let you go are you going to hit me again?” “What do you think?” “Then I’m not going to let you go.

If I like you, you are lucky to have my forgiveness. But if I don’t, the possibilities are endless…

If I should be available to everyone, I will eventually end up with nothing to give to anyone. So the greatest gift you can receive from me is my time. Count yourself lucky if I give you a minute of my hour.

I firmly disagree with anyone who says humans are the most advanced, or the most intelligent species on the planet. In fact, only three animals have ever threatened to kill me: humans, their dogs, and a particularly aggressive species of house spider.

If I should ask thee how great dwellings are in the midst of the sea, or how many springs are in the beginning of the deep, or how many springs are above the firmament, or which are the outgoings of paradise: Peradventure thou would say unto me, ‘I never went down into the deep, nor as yet into hell, neither did I ever climb up into heaven.

I find that when people laugh it's usually because they're connecting and identifying in a way that they hadn't considered. That's my payoff. I'm not interested in other people thinking differently. I don't care. I'm just like yeast - I eat sugar and I shit alcohol. And there's a huge culture that goes with that. Alcohol creates massive shifts in world history, and it changes people's lives. People get pregnant because of alcohol. But the yeast doesn't give a fuck. The yeast isn't going, "I really want to help people loosen up and bring passion into Irish people's lives".

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

If i understand correctly, he said, I'm to fight the duel because, if I refuse, I'll be hanged. If I fight I'm to allow my opponant to injure me because if i wound him I'll be put to the rack. What charming alternatives. Maybe I should save you the bother? I'll thump my head against the pine tree and render myself helpless. Will that grant you satisfaction? - 273

If it’s taking to long to get up the career ladder, get a career lift.

If it’s God you’re worried about, the Lord Jesus said that we needn’t keep to the old ways anymore. They had their day years ago.

If I wanted you to understand, I would explain it better.

I flinch. Maybe you have to be male to understanding that castration can't be reduced to finger-scissors and some onomatopoeia.

I flow like a butter in the nailed pan I stole. I also kept the nail, to polish and use as a means of teleportation.

If negative emotions have gain access into your heart, it is because you have given it attention. If memories of pain and hurt dominates your heart, it is because you gave them attention. How can a memory hurt you when it has only happened? It can only hurt you when you give it attention.

If natural selection can create creationists it can manage a caterpillar with a face on its arse.

If my husband is working for Rose, he should not come to Mary for salary at the end of the month.