Best 279 quotes of Jeff Foxworthy on MyQuotes

[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

All these years I've sat in airports and kind of drawn people and put like Far Side captions on them.

A lot of people up North, they think everybody from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I told them, 'I'm just dating my sister and couldn't swear that it wasn't a weather balloon.'

Any job that posts a price list for your body parts is a bad job.

As a comedian I appreciate every kind of comedy. You decide for yourself what you're going to do.

As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.

As an actor, there was that freedom of not having to worry about lights or marks or other people. It was just going out there and having fun with the character.

As an individual, as a household, you can't spend more money than you're bringing in. You can do it for a little while, but you end up going broke and you end up losing everything you have. That is the path that we're on as a country, and it scares me to death.

Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.

Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.

By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

Children that play outside develop better problem solving skills and have a stronger ability to work within a group.

Comics don't usually have very long careers, and I'm 22 years into this.

Country music is about new love and it's about old love. It's about gettin' drunk and gettin' sober. It's about leavin' and it's about comin' home. It's real music sung by real people for real people, the people that make up the backbone of this country. You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.

Country music is about new love and it's about old love.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

Every generation thinks they invented sex, which is the stupidest assumption in the world because if that was the case, you wouldn't even be here.

Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!

How is a redneck divorce similar to a tornado? You know that somewhere, somehow, someone is gonna lose a trailer.

I actually had a chance to be in Delta Farce, but I couldn't do it because I read the script.

I always wore cowboy boots and drove a truck, and talked like this. So everywhere I would go in comedy people would say, "Foxworthy, you ain't nothing but a redneck from Georgia!" It kind of became a formula joke.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

I don't necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I'm a comedian and I have a Southern accent.

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

If most people wanted to be incognito, they put on a fake beard or mustache. If I wanted to I'd just shave mine off.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

If the veins in the back of your legs look like the street map of greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's babydoll.

If you ahve ever unloaded your pickup by backing up really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck.

If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.

If you don't have anything good to say about someone, you must be talking about Hillary Clinton.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.

If you have more fish on your wall than pictures, you might be a redneck.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Canada

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.

If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.

If you're a redneck, you have that blood flowing through your veins. That's almost on the bucket list, to hear "Freebird" live.

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass, you might be a redneck.

If your stomach blocks your view of your feet, cover it up! The only people who should be wearing belly shirts are people who don't have bellies. Now those little baby spare tires are kinda cute; tractor tires aren't! Especially if they've got hair on them!