Best 2245 quotes of Mark Twain on MyQuotes

A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase.

A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

A banker is somebody who lends you an umbrella & takes it away as soon as it starts raining.

A banquet is probably the most fatiguing thing in the world except ditchdigging. It is the insanest of all recreations. The inventor of it overlooked no detail that could furnish weariness, distress, harassment, and acute and long-sustained misery of mind and body.

A banquet is probably the most fatiguing thing in the world except ditch digging.

A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat.

A brown spotted lady-bug climbed the dizzy height of a grass blade, and Tom bent down close to it and said, "Lady-bug, lady-bug, fly away home, your house is on fire, your children's alone," and she took wing and went off to see about it -- which did not surprise the boy, for he knew of old that this insect was credulous about conflagrations, and he had practised upon its simplicity more than once.

A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.

A Christian's first duty is to God. It then follows, as a matter of course, that it is his duty to carry his Christian code to the polls and vote them... If Christians should vote their duty to God at the polls, they would carry every election, and do it with ease... it would bring about a moral revolution that would be incalculably beneficent. It would save the country.

A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle.

A "classic" is a book that everybody praises but nobody has read

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A conspiracy is nothing but a secret agreement of a number of men for the pursuance of policies which they dare not admit in public

A country without a patent office and good patent laws is just a crab, and can't travel any way but sideways and backways.

A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom, and custom supersedes all other forms of law.

A crowded police docket is the surest of all signs that trade is brisk and money plenty.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

Adam and Eve entered the world naked and unashamed - naked and pure-minded. And no descendant of theirs has ever entered it otherwise. All have entered it naked, unashamed, and clean in mind. They entered it modest. They had to acquire immodesty in the soiled mind, there was no other way to get it. ... The convention mis-called "modesty" has no standard, and cannot have one, because it is opposed to nature and reason and is therefore an artificiality and subject to anyone's whim - anyone's diseased caprice.

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.

Adam was not alone in the Garden of Eden, however, and does not deserve all the credit; much is due to Eve, the first woman, and Satan, the first consultant.

Adam was the author of sin, and I wish he had taken out an international copyright on it.

Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law.

Additional problems are the offspring of poor solutions.

All men are ignorant, just on different subjects.

A discriminating irreverence is the creator and protector of human liberty.

A distinguished man should be as particular about his last words as he is about his last breath. He should write them out on a slip of paper and take the judgment of his friends on them. He should never leave such a thing to the last hour of his life, and trust to an intellectual spurt at the last moment to enable him to say something smart with his latest gasp and launch into eternity with grandeur.

A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to you than the ninety-and -nine which you had to work for, and money won at faro or in stock snuggles into your heart in the same way.

A dozen direct censures are easier to bear than one morganatic compliment.

A dream...I was trying to explain to St. Peter, and was doing it in the German tongue, because I didn't want to be too explicit.

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.

A friend is someone who stays in when the rest of the world has gone out.

After a few months' acquaintance with European 'coffee' one's mind weakens, and his faith with it, and he begins to wonder if the rich beverage of home, with it's clotted layer of yellow cream on top of it, is not a mere dream after all, and a thing which never existed.

After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; ... I should be sorry to have that voice fall silent and pass out of my life.

Against a diseased imagination demonstration goes for nothing.

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.

Agassiz does recommend authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus in it makes brains. But I cannot help you to a decision about the amount you need to eat. Perhaps a couple of whales would be enough.

Age enlarges and enriches the powers of some musical instruments - notably those of the violin - but it seems to set a piano's teeth on edge.

A gentleman is a man who can play the banjo, but doesn't.

A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo and doesn't.

A gifted person ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French in thirty days, and German in thirty years.

A good and wholesome thing is a little harmless fun in this world; it tones a body up and keeps him human and prevents him from souring.

A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.

A good legible label is usually worth, for information, a ton of significant attitude and expression in a historical picture.

A good memory and a tongue tied in the middle is a combination which gives immortality to conversation.

A great, great deal has been said about the weather, but very little has ever been done.

A group of men in evening clothes looks like a flock of crows, and is just about as inspiring.

A habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.

A half-educated physician is not valuable. He thinks he can cure everything.