Best 199 quotes in «discworld quotes» category

We need to borrow your boat," said Vimes. "Bugger off!" "I'm choosing to believe that was a salty nautical expression meaning 'Why, certainly,'" said Vimes.

We're really good at it, Teppic thought. Mere animals couldn't possibly manage to act like this. You need to be a human being to be really stupid.

"We try to make guests feel welcome," said Dee, scuttling behind his desk. He pulled off his pointed hat and, to Vimes's amazement, put on a pair of thick smoked glasses. "You had papers?" he said. Vimes handed them over. "It says here "His Grace", the dwarf said, after reading them for awhile. "Yes, that's me." "And there's a sir." "That's me, too." "And an excellency." "'fraid so." Vimes narrowed his eyes. "I was blackboard monitor for awhile, too.

What a place! What a situation! What kind of man would put a known criminal in charge of a major branch of government? Apart from, say, the average voter.

What we're going to do is keep the peace. That's our job. We're not going to be heroes, we're just going to be ... normal.

When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtle would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds. This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.

where actual evidence had been a bit sparse he had, in the best traditions of the keen ethnic historian, inferred from revealed self-evident wisdom* *Made it up and extrapolated from associated sources** **had read a lot of stuff that other people had made up, too.

Winder's mind felt even fuzzier than it had done over the past few years, but he was certain about cake. He'd been eating cake, and now there wasn't any. Through the mists he saw it, apparently close but, when he tried to reach it, a long way away. A certain realization dawned on him. "Oh," he said. YES, said Death. "Not even time to finish my cake?" NO. THERE IS NO MORE TIME, EVEN FOR CAKE. FOR YOU, THE CAKE IS OVER. YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF CAKE.

When he was a boy he'd read books about great military campaigns, and visited the museums and looked with patriotic pride at the paintings of famous cavalry charges, last stands and glorious victories. It had come as rather a shock, when he later began to participate in some of these, to find that the painters had unaccountably left out the intestines. Perhaps they just weren't very good at them.

When new students tried an experiment that was particularly successful in terms of explosive force, the result was often a cross between a major factory refit and a game of Hunt-the-other-Kidney.

When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds. This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.

Wolves hate werewolves.' 'What? That can't be right! When she's wolf-shaped she's just like a wolf!' 'So? When she's human-shaped she's just like a human. And what's that got to do with anything? Humans don't like werewolves. Wolves don't like werewolves. People don't like wolves that can think like people, an' people don't like people who can act like wolves. Which just goes to show that people are the same everywhere.' said Gaspode. He assessed this sentence and added, 'Even when they're wolves.

You couldn't be a real copper in Ankh-Morpork and stay sane. You had to care. Anda caring in Ankh-Morpork was like opening a tin of meat in the middle of a piranha school.

You know zat another term for an iconographer would be ‘photographer’? From the old word ‘photus’ in Latation, vhich means—” “‘To prance around like an idiot ordering everyone about as if you owned the place,’” said William. “Ah, you know it!

Young Sam at this point had tired of petticoat company and had drifted over to an elderly goblin man who was working on a pot, and was watching with extreme fascination to the apparent pleasure, as far as Vimes could tell, of the elderly goblin. That's a lesson to us...I don't know what kind of lesson, but it's a lesson, he thought.

You're not suggesting that Vetinari tucks into a nice rat every day?" said Angua. "I've heard he uses rats as spies, so I don't think he'd use them as elevenses," said Carrot.

YOU WILL NOT TELL THE RIVERS NOT TO FLOW. YOU WILL NOT TELL THE SUN NOT TO SHINE. YOU WILL NOT TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD AND SHOULD NOT DO.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Ye mustn't be afraid to ask for help. Pride is a good thing, my girl, but it will kill you in time.

You haven't heard of him? And he is a D'reg!" Mrs Goriff pulled at her husband's arm. "D'reg?" said Angua. "A warlike desert tribe," said Carrot. "Very fierce. Honourable, though. They say that if a D'reg is your friend he's your friend for life." "And if he's not your friend?" "That's about five seconds.

And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure sign of someone who wears his underpants on his head.

And it came to pass that in time the Great God Om spake unto Brutha, the Chosen One: "Psst!

And, while it was regarded as pretty good evidence of criminality to be living in a slum, for some reason owning a whole street of them merely got you invited to the very best social occasions.

"And what would humans be without love?" Rare, said Death.

Despite rumor, Death isn't cruel--merely terribly, terribly good at his job.

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.

'Discworld' is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

Corporal Nobbs had been disqualified from the human race for shoving

As we all know, the Discworld is a flat planet - like a geological pizza, but without the anchovies.

Divide by cucumber error. Please reinstall universe and reboot.

Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.

Guilt was the grease in which the wheels of the authority turned.

His movements could be called cat-like, except that he did not stop to spray urine up against things.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease.

I imagine that fish have no word for water.

I commend my soul to any god that can find it.

If you put butter and salt on it, it tastes like salty butter.

I prefer to achieve immortality by not dying.

I like the idea of democracy. You have to have someone everyone distrusts.

Inside every sane person there’s a madman struggling to get out.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Most gods find it hard to walk and think at the same time.

Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.

Not a man to mince words. People, yes. But not words.

The pamphlet was very patriotic. That is, it talked about killing foreigners.

She was already learning that if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you.

Pets are always a great help in times of stress. And in times of starvation too, o'course.

There are no inconsistencies in the Discworld books; ocassionally, however, there are alternate pasts.

The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it's not murder if you do it for a god).